Did you know that your heart is a gold cauldron full of pink liquid? It's true. A witch told me so. Okay, so there's no good introduction to this so I'll just spill it. I went to a Summer Solstice Celebration sponsored by the Lincoln Wicca Contingency, otherwise known as "Star Trek fans searching for spiritual enlightenment Plains Chapter."

Now before pagans, Christians or any other religious groups begin to lambaste me, please understand that I am actually an open-minded person who enjoys sharing other people's religious or non-religious viewpoints. This is why I attended the Wicca gathering in the first place.

When I was first invited to the celebration, I was not sure what to expect. Local media would have me believe that these people practice witchcraft and cast spells, so I was expecting some loud chants, some fire and lightning and some serious off-road broomsticking.

What actually happened reminded me more of, well, my home church.

The celebration for the solstice took place at Holmes Lake Park, back behind some trees, just out of view of pretty much anyone. At my first arrival I was greeted in the designated parking area by Tom, a not-so-slender, 40-year-old (going on sixteen) with male-patterned baldness. Also, by my own assumption, probably a virgin. Our conversation went something like this:

ME: Hi. Is this the place for the, uh, celebration thingy?

TOM: Yes it is, would you like a video on what Wicca is all about? I also included the A&E Biography of Gene Rodenbury, creator of Star Trek.

ME; No, thanks. So, what exactly are we celebrating tonight?

TOM: The Summer Solstice.

ME: Yes, I knew that. But, what's the significance of it?

TOM: It's the first day of summer and the longest day of the year.

ME: Right, I've taken fifth-grade science. What's its symbolic or spiritual significance to this particular group?

TOM: Sure you don't want a video?

Tom then led two other newcomers and me down through the pine trees to an open field surrounded by more trees. There were numerous crows in the trees cawing loudly which at first, seemed a little creepy.

The creepiness subsided shortly when I looked at the crowd around me. We were all sitting in a very misshapen circle around an altar that was actually only an Igloo brand cooler with a gold piece of cloth on top of it.

There were flowers all around it, a chalice full of some liquid (I was guessing frog's blood or something witchy like that), and a candle.

I looked around, but I couldn't see where they were keeping the animals for the sacrifice. So I assumed Tom would be sacrificed, since he was probably a virgin after all.

The ceremony began when the leader, dressed in a white robe with a red stole, and a tiara kind of thing with a symbol that I am pretty sure is the insignia for "Sailor Moon," made us all stand up and be blessed.

The blessing involved the leader passing around some smelly grass-root kind of thing that was burning very slowly but emitting tons of disgusting fumes.

But apparently this was not enough to truly bless us all the way, so the leader put a dab of oil on everyone's head which reminded me a lot of an Ash Wednesday-type service. Now we were good to go.

After this we all sat down in the grass, and got eaten alive by bugs so that we could listen to the leader say stuff like:

"Shakti, Alchemy, Yesheti. We invoke thee mother earth. Shakti, Bruktos, Yeshoto, Younkers."

I'm pretty sure this was the liturgy section of this pagan church service. And as far as I can tell this translated into:

"We of the pagans invoke the planet to laugh hysterically at our homemade robes and shirts that we bought on sale at Spencer Gifts."

Next came the "sermon" or "meditation." This is what we did, and I am not making this up. Everyone sat in the lotus position (my second favorite) and "entered the spiritual realms of our own minds" as a "giant purple and black egg" came into our hands and magically turned us "into a pink mist." Out of which grew "a rose that reflected the inner beauty of our collective souls." Then a highly enlightened pagan bumblebee came and "pollinated us with the goodness," and some other stuff happened but, I can't really remember because I started to doze off.

After this, the really old lady of the group (who I could tell must have been special because she had her own crown made out of tin-foil, some rubber bands, sticks, and a peanut) began walking in a circle, pouring water on the ground, and singing.

Soon everyone was dancing around the circle, singing praises to the "Mother Earth," the "Brother Sun," and the "Horny Pervert Uncle Moon."

Before this point, I was somewhat turned on to what I was hearing and experiencing. But after the water, and the singing, I was no longer appreciative of what was going on. It comes down to this: I just don't like any religion with stupid hymns.

I did stay through the whole service, however, which did not last much longer, and only involved something that was very similar to communion only instead of bread and wine, we had moldy Nila Wafers and Musselman's apple juice.

Then we were forced to get to know a tree. That's right, befriend a tree. Get to know what makes it tick. Talk to it. Love it. And feel stupid when joggers catch us.

After the celebration everyone was invited to go to Village Inn, which, by the way, is pagan for "fine dining." I neglected the invitation however, feeling somewhat dejected and let down by the experience as a whole.

Call me crazy, but when I check out a new religion, I expect to see and hear something different than what I've been hearing all my life. But instead with Wicca, I got the same old same old. A little lecture, some singing, some communion, and that feeling that I'm really just not good enough to get to "heaven" after all.

But most of all, I was super disappointed that these "witches" didn't do anything witch-like at all! There was no frog's blood. There were no casting spells. There were no beautiful women from The Craft. Just lots of pentagrams and that was it.

Don't get me wrong. Wicca is a religion full of good-hearted people trying to do the best they can to fill their souls with something worthwhile. But it's just not for me. Myself, I prefer a true and realistic religion. One where I get to be a hypocrite, judge people unfairly, and cannibalize the Son of God.