Mary Sue - The True Story
In a distant snow village in the Artic, a beautiful girl named Mary Sue lived. Although everyone else in her village was an Eskimo, she was a princess, and anytime she walked somewhere, the snow melted and flowers sprang at her feet.
Well, one day Mary was walking through the frost-covered forest. She loved the forest, and anytime she entered, the birds would chirp, and the deer would prance next to her. On this particular day, Mary was wearing a beautiful blue sundress that complimented her shining golden hair and creamy skin. And although it was several degrees below freezing, Mary did not notice because the snow melted, and the flowers sprang at her feet. As she walked, she began to sing in a melodious voice.
Her voice was spectacular, and all who heard it fell under her spell. A nightingale flew to her and sat upon a branch of a tree, and it joined its voice to hers as well. Together the pair sang until the tune had reached its end. Mary then gently patted the little nightingale. “Ahh, my sweet little friend. Am I doomed only to find company among the birds and beasts of the forests? The Eskimos care not for me, for anytime I come near them, I melt their igloos.”
The nightingale chirped.
“Alas, am I doomed never to find my One True Love?” Mary sadly sat down near the riverbank – and since all the snow melted and flowers sprang at her feet, she found herself sitting on the only patch of green in the icy riverbank. Then, picking a rose from the random green patch, she began to pull off the petals, one by one. “Oh Great Spirit of Beautiful Girls Doomed to Live in the Artic Wastes, I would ask a boon of thee.” Taking a deep breath, Mary continued. “Please take me to my one true love.”
No sooner did Mary blink than she found herself sitting on another riverbank. This riverbank was in a deep forest, and all the trees were green. Confused, she began to walk around in aimless circles. “Perhaps if I begin to sing, my One True Love will find me.”
But as soon as she allowed the words to flow from her golden pipes, a big spider came. “Heeeeheeee. I’m going to eat you. I love Mary Sues who fall into Middle Earth. They always come here because they are always after Legolas.” The big black spider cackled as it crept towards the frightened girl. “But none of those girls ever made it to Prince Legolas. Do you want to know why?”
“Why?” she asked in a shaky voice.
“Mary Sues have been falling to Middle Earth for a very long time now, but they never get to Legolas because I always eat them first!” The spider was drawing closer, so Mary did the only thing she knew how to do.
She fainted.
When Mary woke the next morning, she was vaguely surprised to find herself in a silken bed and not in a spider stomach. Opening her beautiful blue eyes, she was confronted by the sight of a tall blond-haired warrior gazing anxiously down upon her. He smiled gently at her confused expression. “Fret not, dear heart. Praise Varda that we reached you in time. Else you have fallen prey to the spider.”
“Then I must be your One True Love!” she exclaimed as she sat up. Because she was perfect, she did not suffer any lightheadedness or dizziness. Quickly she told the blond prince, whom she surmised to be Legolas, the tale of the spider.
“Then it must be,” breathed Legolas. “For no Elf-maiden has captured my heart, and it must mean the Lady Varda herself wished us to marry.” He dropped to his knees and brought her slender hand to his lips. “Lady-,” he broke off. “I beg your pardon, but I do not know your name.”
Mary smiled. “My name is Mary. Mary Sue.”
He smiled again. “Mary. ‘Tis a lovely name, more than fitting for such a beautiful creature as yourself.” He kissed her gently. “Would you grant me the honor of allowing me take you to wife?”
“Oh yes.” She gracefully fell into his embrace.
*FIVE YEARS LATER*
Mary couldn’t fit into the bodice, no matter how hard she tried. For some reason, after giving birth to three children, her body hadn’t been able to return to its girlish figure. Sighing in disgust, she examined herself in the mirror. Her golden hair had lost its sheen, and her blue eyes had lost their sparkle. Her curvy figure was now one big pear, and she had pimples all over her face.
She sadly reached over and pulled on the dress that was big enough to fit three Elf maidens. After donning her dress, she made her way downstairs to the massive dining halls of King Thranduil. She had no idea where her children were, for after they had been born, she had allowed them to be whisked away to their nannies. And after the birth of their third child, Legolas had all but disappeared from their bed.
“It’s because I’m not beautiful anymore,” she sobbed into her porridge. “I need to go seek a beautician.” But since Elves were naturally beautiful, they did not have them. After deep thinking, Mary decided to go to the Dwarves. They had beauticians in spades. So she ran back to her room and packed a bag. She left a note on her table telling Legolas that she would come back beautiful again.
After three days of journeying, she finally reached Moria. After knocking the door and being greeted by several axes, she tremulously explained that she sought a beautician. The leader of the Dwarven guard gave her one look and then nodded in understanding. After much walking in deep, dark paths, she finally arrived in a room filled with strange inventions.
A male dwarf was inside, and he was mixing a strange sort of concoction. He looked up and gave her a sympathetic look. “Ah, come in, child, and have some ale!”
Mary curtsied. “I am Princess Mary.”
“What you are is a woman that needs help.” The dwarf pulled up a chair for her. “I am Quagmire, the most renowned beautician in Moria.”
“Please make me beautiful again.” Her big blue eyes filled with tears.
He looked at her with consideration. “Well, we have this substance that might help with your wrinkles.”
She nodded eagerly. “Oh yes!”
Quagmire pulled out a vial. “We will inject it into your skin. It is a common toxin found in some animals, and we have found that it creates smooth skin.” He flashed her a smile through his beard. “And as you can see, we Dwarves are in dire need of smooth skin. Our features are so craggy that they are probably deeper than the lava pits of Mount Doom.”
“In my old world, we used substances like that too. Except we called in Botox.”
“Whatever the name, it has the same effect.” So Quagmire gave Mary several Botox treatments. “As for the rest of you, I recommend that you stop eating Elvish sweet cakes all the time, go exercise, and keep your face oil-free.”
Mary nodded in understanding, and after paying the beautician with several of Thranduil’s gems that she had filched, she made her way back out. But as she journeyed home, she realized that her face was becoming too stretched. “Oh no, he gave me a Dwarven dosage!” She began shrieking so loudly that the birds that had once adored her flew away. But as she had no choice, she journeyed back home.
As soon as she got back to Mirkwood, she headed straight for the stables, where she knew her husband would be. But the sight that greeted her shocked her to her very bones.
A girl with dark hair and slanted eyes was currently in the arms of her husband. “A Chinese girl?” sputtered Mary. “Where did she come from?”
Legolas looked up at her, the same dazed gleam that he had when he had found Mary. “A few weeks ago, where I rescued from. Her name is Ming Sue.”
“Ming Sue?” Mary was beginning to have a horrible feeling in her stomach.
“Ming Sue. And she is my beloved.” Legolas kissed Ming’s forehead gently.
Mary shrieked again. “She can’t be your beloved! I’m your beloved!”
Legolas looked at her calmly. “Please calm down, Mary. You are frightening the horses.”
“But I injected Dwarven botox into my skin, just so I could be beautiful for you!”
“Mary, there are many still would love you. Why, those Dwarves…I’m sorry, Mary. But a heart cannot control where it loves.”
“I bore you three children!!!!”
Ming finally spoke. “Excellent! Then my children will have half-brothers and half-sisters!” Then Mary Sue did the only thing she could.
She fainted.
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