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Helpline 0800

by Graham Johnson

You have reached the Mental Health Team
Would you like to hold the line
You can listen to the music
You are caller number nine.

We are sorry for the short delay
We hope that you will wait
The doctors are all out to lunch
But you've moved to number eight.

We've lost another customer
He's died and gone to heaven
But don't feel sad it's not so bad
You've climbed to number seven.

Breathe in, breathe out and just stay calm
Your problems we can fix
We care you know, so please don't go
You've moved to number six.

You could try some gentle exercise
To make sure you're still alive
By the end of twenty press ups
You're sure to be at five.

We know this phone queue makes you mad
You want to scream and roar
But just keep calm and you will  find
You've moved again to four.

It gets a little tricky now
Please don't go  off your tree
But we've got a schizophrenic stuck
On numbers two and three.

The waiting has been worth it
Don't touch that loaded gun
Don't lose it now, don't touch that dial
You're next - you're number one.

Your patience is commendable
And I tell you this with sorrow
It's four o'clock we're closing now
Please call again tomorrow.

Graham is from Wellington and his poem was presented
at a 'Medical Health Service Conference' in NZ.