Jokes
Four!
An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question: 'What is 2 x 2 ?'
The engineer whips out his slide rule and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces: '3.99.'
The physicist consults his
technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces
'It lies between 3.98 and 4.02.'
The mathematician cogitates for a
while, oblivious to the rest of the world, then announces:
'I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!'
A noted philosopher looks up and asks quizzically, 'What do you mean by 2 x 2 ?'
The logician says 'Please define 2 x 2 ?'
The accountant closes all the
dors and windows, looks around carefully, then asks,
'What do you want the answer to be?'
The computer hacker breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer, '4'.
The Perils of Professionalism
A doctor, a lawyer, and a mathematician
are sitting around talking about the benefits of having a wife versus a
mistress.
The lawyer says: 'For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a
divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.'
The doctor says: 'It's better to have a wife because the sense of security
lowers your stress and is good for your health'.
The mathematician says: 'You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when
the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with
your wife - you can do some mathematics.
Black Belt Joke
A millionaire Martial Arts master had a
party every year for his new Black Belts. Each year he would gather the new
Black Belts around his huge swimming pool and issue a challenge to them:
'This pool is filled with man-eating sharks. Anyone brave enough to jump in and
swim all the way across can have on of three things:
My lovely daughter in marriage,
Half of my liquid cash or
All of my oil wells.'
Just then he heard a loud splash and turned to see a young Black Belt swimming
frantically across the pool, climbing out the other side with his clothing in
shred. Amazing, 'the master exclaimed, ' You're the first one to ever try it, do
you want my daughter's hand in marriage?'
'No' replied the student
'Half of my liquid cash?'
'No' he replied.
'Ahh, then all my oil wells.'
'No' replied the student.
'Then what do you want?' the master asked.
The young Black Belt replied: ' I want to know who the hell pushed me in
the pool!'
Middle age....
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, 'is my time up?' God said, 'No you have another 43 years to live.'
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have liposuction, a tummy tuck, a face lift and she even had someone to change her hair colour.
She was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years?' God replied, 'I didn't recognize you.'
Research
The UN made a research to all nations
with the following question:
'Give us your opinion to the solution of the insufficiency of nourishment
concerning the
rest of the world.'
Africa - didn't know what 'nourishment' was.
Western Europe - didn't know what 'insufficiency' meant.
China - wanted the word 'opinion' defined.
Middle East - wanted the meaning of 'solution' defined.
USA - wanted to know who was 'the rest of the world'.
A meeting is a collection of individuals who individually can do nothing, but who get together and collectively decide that nothing can be done.
Man makes gods
Myself
A monk said to Nasrudin: 'I am so detached that I never think of myself,
only of others!'
Nasrudin answered: 'I am so objective that I can look at myself as if I were
another person, so I can afford to think of myself!'
When
to do what
Mulla Nasrudin once disappeared from his desk for three weeks. Where have
you been, Nasrudin? You can't vanish for weeks on end without permission.'
'I was only following your instructions.'
'Explain yourself.'
'I went into your office to ask for a holiday. You weren't there, but I saw the
notice on your desk - 'Do it now' - and so I did.'
Fixed
ideas
'How old are you, Mulla?'
'Forty.'
'But you said that same last time I asked you, two years ago!'
'Yes, I always stand by what I have said.'