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Baby Boon or Parent Trap? Young professionals weigh the pros and cons of creating by Worth Civils After three years of marriage, Larry LaRusso '92 and Melanie LaRusso '93 realized something was missing from their lives. That something turned out to be someone, and on Nov. 19, 1999, Mallory LaRusso was born. The LaRussos' decision to have a child was not an easy one. They both had well-paying jobs and all of their free time to themselves. But they decided the sacrifices they would make in their careers and leisure time would be worth having a child. "That sacrifice was well-worth watching our child grow up and being there when she needs me," Melanie said. "Being a mom is more important than my career. It's the best move I could've ever made." Like the LaRussos, many couples debate whether to have children. Starting a family can mean interrupting a career, incurring additional expenses, losing free time and increasing stress. Many
Kathleen Mullan Harris, a UNC sociology professor and faculty fellow at the Carolina Population Center, says the main factor couples consider in having a child is economics, particularly the woman's career. The increasing number of women choosing to establish careers out of college, she said, has created a trend now stretching over two generations of women having children later. "Over the past 40 years, there has been a delay in the age of childbearing," Harris said. "This is partly due to a delay in the age of marriage, so naturally there is a delay in the age of childbearing. But it is due almost totally to women's work and career." According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the average age of first marriage is 24 for women and 25.4 for men. Harris said most couples who start families do so within about two years after marriage. Economics becomes a major factor in when to have children, she said, particularly when determining whether a woman can take maternity leave from her job. There are examples of fathers staying home to raise children while the mother pursues her career (related story, Page 4), but "the real focus is on the work career of the wife," Harris said. "Could they afford to have a child on just one income? If not, then the wife is working." In the case of the LaRussos, Melanie, 29, originally decided to take only a three-month maternity leave from her job as coordinator of the data management division at Rex Hospital in Raleigh. But after a little budgeting and a lot of soul searching, she decided to stay at home with Mallory. "We both grew up in families where the mothers stayed at home, and we wanted to do the same," she said. "It actually turned out to be the best decision for us, personally, knowing how we were raised." To make things easier, Larry, 30, changed jobs. He had been on the staff at the UNC General Alumni Association and now works at SAS Institute in Cary, closer to their home in Raleigh. "The move to SAS was done so we could more easily envision me staying at home and because of the potential for future growth," Melanie said. "Career-wise, it was a move for him to grow professionally and face new challenges." But at the same time, Melanie's career came almost to a halt, and took a while to absorb, she said. "I'm still adjusting to the whole stay-at-home routine. You lose that office camaraderie you're used to and all your relations at work. There's that feeling you've worked hard for a degree and [that you're] moving up, and now you're giving that up." To keep her foot in the door, Melanie still works two evenings a week at Rex Hospital, bringing in some supplemental income for the family. When she's at work—or out with the girls—Larry stays at home with baby Mallory. "He's been a very involved father," Melanie said. "He stayed at home right after she was born and was able to bond with her right away."
A Student, and a Parent Other couples, particularly those who are students, face different dynamics when having children. Melissa Guldbrandsen, a law student at UNC and mother of two-year-old Zander, said she has less time to study, among other things. "In retrospect, it's more of a challenge to be a student parent than I anticipated in terms of time," she said. "But having a child has forced us to prioritize." Melissa, 29, said having a child has prompted her and her husband, Thad, 28 and president of UNC's Student Parent Interest Network, to make decisions for the family instead of themselves. But the timing of the birth was important to them—they wanted to keep intact their individual interests, as well. "A major factor was balancing both of our careers with starting a family and recognizing that we wanted a truly egalitarian relationship, where neither sacrificed their career to have a family," she said. Before deciding to have a child, she was a schoolteacher and her husband was already in graduate school at UNC studying anthropology. Once they decided to start a family, Melissa made a career change from teaching to law school. "In thinking about our careers, we made the decision that then would be a good time to start a family," Guldbrandsen said. "It seemed to make sense to have our first child when we did, so I'll have the freedom to pursue a career without [taking] maternity leave." Additionally, Guldbrandsen said student life, while challenging, actually is compatible with parenting, compared with a full-time, out-of-the-house job. She said she is at home with Zander more during his waking hours, even though much of that time is spent studying. By having her first child when she did, Guldbrandsen leaves open the opportunity to pursue a career after graduating from law school, she said. She could put four to five years into her career and then take maternity leave again if she and her husband decide to have another child. The flip side is that she must raise a newborn while in law school, which also raises the question: "Is there really a good time to have a baby?" Not really, said Harris. "Among
women, there is no good time—
No Kids and No Problems The solution? Don't have children, says a contingent of couples and individuals who call themselves "childfree." Many national organizations exist with local chapters or Web communities dedicated to the movement, most prominently, NoKidding!, which has regular meetings in the Triangle area, and Childfree-by-Choice. "We don't have kids; we have dogs," said Brenda MacPherson, 34, of Houston, who said she and her husband, Scott, decided before they were married that they would not have children. The MacPhersons participate in ChildFree, an online community of people who share their view. "I really did not feel that maternal instinct, and I didn't want to give things up," MacPherson said. "If you're not wanting to give up travel, certain cars, time—any of those things—then you shouldn't have a kid. That's the feeling I have." Too many parents have children for the wrong reasons, she said, and she did not want to do the same. "Unless you're willing to give that time and energy, which I'm not, I think it's better that I don't have any kids. I'm doing the world a favor rather than just having one because that's the thing to do. There are enough bad parents out there that the world doesn't need one more." Being childfree allows the MacPhersons, who have been married for 15 years, to spend more time together, without the distraction and stress of children. The extra income also gives them a chance to travel to places such as Cancun and Tahiti, where they spent Christmas in 1999. "It strengthens our relationship so much," she said. "Our life is more complete. We're still the same as when we got married—best friends, holding hands, kissing and spending all of our free time with each other. We talk about how lucky we are to have time together and our relationship is so much different than anyone else we know." Harris argues that, in having children, a certain value is attached to pulling together as a family, reproducing one's genes and carrying on a family name. She also says
—and noble. "For [those couples] not having children, a notion of sacrifice and having to be selfless—that would be a con of remaining childfree, that they don't learn that," Harris stated. "They can live a pretty selfish life." The MacPhersons say they know that refrain well. Friends who are parents, and sometimes even strangers, often confront them about their choice to remain childless. They have even lost friends as a result of their decision—although, she says, the number of comments haven't been as frequent over the past five years. "They don't understand why I don't I have that strong need," she said. MacPherson also has strong evidence surrounding her that says children should not be a foregone conclusion. Several of their friends—with the exception of another childfree couple in Dallas—aren't able to do anything spontaneous or to afford a vacation, let alone find time to attend to simple repairs to their homes. She also has several friends who divorced after having children. "I'm not so egotistical that I think my genes are that wonderful to be passed on," she said. "And I don't feel that it's my responsibility to pass on my husband's name." The decision to start a family, or the decision not to, can be thorny no matter what side of the issue you adopt. But having confidence in each other is the best place a couple can start. The LaRussos have experienced the stress of having their first child, especially financially, but their marriage is strong enough that they have actually grown closer now that parenthood has come along. "Our relationship is different in the sense that we'd known each other six years before we got married," Melanie said. "We have a strong marriage. We're not losing something, but it's bringing us closer together." *
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