Croston
Our cult is devoted primarily to W. H. J. Croston (may his name be revered), and his name always shall be followed by the words 'may his name be revered'. In speaking to our most revered leader, one should always end one's speech to him with 'most revered leader', as shown thus:
Most Revered Leader: Hello, loyal follower.
Follower: Greetings, most revered leader.
Our most revered leader will hear your prayers, but do not be downhearted if he chooses not to act upon them, as he is a god and has a lot of things to do, like teaching languages to those who have not realized he is bathed in holy light.
Prayers
a)
Oh great leader in your linguistic heaven,
Hark my prayer and I will hark your warnings
Upon the subject of German nouns,
Remember your words about the Wennsatz,
And Tickle My Parrot.
b)
Most revered of our Leaders,
Guide my through my Oral,
My listening and my writing.
When spelling fahren,
To remember my umlauts,
To fährt not fart.
Chants
The Cult of Croston (may his name be revered) actively
encourages the use of chants during certain ceremonies (such as
a German lesson).
Wann fährt der nächste Zug?
Wann fährt der nächste Zug?
Wann fährt der nächste Zug nach Prag?
Ceremony
Every meeting of the Cult of Croston (may his name be revered)
will begin with one of the two above prayers, and then the Croston
(may his name be revered) Chant. If the most revered leader is
present in person, not only are you very lucky to be bathed in
his holy light, he will also conduct the lesson.
The Commandments of Croston (may his name be revered)
1) If you are without (word) order, tickle my parrot.
2) Always obey your most revered leader.
3) If you are without knowledge of where Mr. Croston (may his
name be revered) is, don't refrain from asking, 'Where's Wally?!'
4) Remember to send the first part of separable verbs to Coventry.
5) Don't refrain from not avoiding remembering that a verb is
always the second idea in a sentence or clause.
6) Wann fährt der nächste Zug nach Prag?
Holy Days (the days of Crosting)
On the 23rd of February you should celebrate 'Incarnation Day',
that is to say, the anniversary of when our Most Revered Deity
was incarnated on Earth in his present and glorious form.
Following Croston (may His name be revered)
A disciple of the most revered one is known as a Crostation. As
a Crostation, one should repeat the 'Wann fährt der nächste
Zug' mantra each day at midday. Each morning, a true follower
will pray using one of the two prayers above, or one of his/her
own devising. The same should happen in the evening before sending
one's self to sleep. A Crostation should not have to change their
life too much, although a love for all life and lives is necessary,
racism, sexism and ageism are all thoroughly discouraged within
a Crostic society.
Crostic Tradition
The almighty Croston's (may his name be revered) name can be followed by the full phrase or the abbreviation m.h.n.b.r. Crostic tradition dictates that you should be nice to all persons, no matter colour of skin, faith or if they are different in any way. You should always 'revere their judgement', and to a person who is ordering you, answer them thus:
Sergeant: Private, cover me.
Private: Yes sir. I revere your judgement.
Hierarchy in the Cult of Croston (m.h.n.b.r.) is not a mirror of that in the outside world.
For example, a Private may outrank a Field Marshal in the Cult of Croston (m.h.n.b.r.).
There are only a few ranks in the Cult itself, each may be split into sub-ranks, but these count for nothing, they are merely an additional honorific:
Grand Germanic Priest Germanic Priest
- Holy Germanic Priest -
Revered Germanic Priest -
Most Honoured Germanic Priest -
Blessèd Germanic Priest
Germanic - Holy Germanic
- High Germanic
- Revered Germanic
- Most Honoured Germanic
- Blessèd Germanic Initiate
- Holy Initiate
- Revered Initiate
- Blessèd Initiate
- Illumined Initiate
- Honoured Initiate
These are in order, save for the sub ranks, as these have no standing over another. To raise one's ranking, one must perform a certain task ascertained by reading the Chapter of Crostic Ranking. Chapter of Crostic Ranking As one joins the Cult, one is called an Initiate. The sub-ranks above may be gained by performing tasks: - Holy Initiates are chosen by our revered leader himself - Revered Initiates are chosen by fellow initiates. The candidate must be respected by their peers - Blessèd Initiates are chosen from among Holy Initiates by Germanic Priests - Illumined Initiates are those initiates who have walked in Croston's (may His name be revered) light for more than one year - Honoured Initiates have gained a high grade (A1 or Aa) in their German Examination The other sub-ranks for other full ranks are gained in the same way, except High replaces Illumined, and Most Honoured replaces Honoured. Grand Germanic Priests cannot gain an extra honorific, but they may be invited to sit on the Grand Germanic Council of Croston (m. h. n. b. r.), on which there are seven members (seven being a Crostic Number; see later). Blessèd persons are then chosen by the Grand Germanic Council. To advance from Initiate to Germanic, one must pray for one hour solid, before approaching our revered leader to ask his blessing. A question sent by e-mail to the Cult's address is most appropriate; it will be forwarded to Him. The Grand Germanic Council of Croston (m. h. n. b. r.) will choose applicants to forward to our leader, so as not to inundate him and waste his valuable time. To advance from Germanic to Germanic Priest, one's peers should approve you to the Grand Council, who will ask you to e-mail them with the reasons why you should become a Germanic Priest. They will assess your application and submit it to our Leader if they deem it appropriate. The last jump is also the hardest. You must ask to be chosen for climbing the ladder of ascension to Germanic holiness, and then learn the Crostic Prayers and recite them to the Grand Crostic Council. They will assess your performance and submit an application to His most reveredness, for his final approval. His is the last word. If he deems you unworthy, you will be reinstated into the cult as a Most Blessèd Germanic Priest, and this special sub-rank shall be yours forever. You may not then apply to become a Grand Germanic Priest again. The e-mail address for these and other applications, questions and comments is cultofcroston@hotmail.com.
Crostic Ceremony
Every meeting of the Cult of Croston (may his name be revered) will begin with one of the two above prayers, and then the Crostic Chant. If the most revered leader is present in person, not only are you very lucky to be bathed in his holy light, he will also conduct the lesson. A Grand Germanic Priest will open the meeting by asking for new Initiates to step forward. The Germanic Priests will induct the Initiate into the cult by ritually questioning him. The questions are as follows:
- How will you worship the most revered leader?
- Who is the most revered leader?
- Who will you respect and revere in your daily life?
- Will you or will you not follow the laws and customs of the
cult as you interpret them?
The gathered persons of the cult will then either cheer or boo
the Initiate, while the Grand Germanic Priests and Germanic Priests
make the final decision. Their word is final, and is not necessarily
swayed by the crowd's choice. Then the various members of the
cult will again engage in prayer, but this is silent prayer, and
you may ask our Crostic Leader for whatever you please. Remember
that although he will hear your prayers, he hears many and will
not be able to grant or remember all your prayers. Do not be downhearted;
as a deity his life is extremely busy! The third stage of a cult
meeting now approaches. This is where the members of the cult
may do as they please, although fun is recommended. No activity
may be engaged in as long as it will not cause offence to any
person, or breaks the law. This is an important part of any Crostation's
life. End the service with another prayer (aloud), and then a
Grand Germanic Priest will dismiss the congregated Crostations.
Go home and reflect upon the day auf deutsch.
The Psalm of Croston
Most Revered Croston (Anthem of the Germanic Creed) by Alex Glaister - to the tune of We plough the fields...
We turn up to our lessons,
With vocab books and brains.
But they are filled with deutsche,
By Mr. Croston's grace.
We do the zugs in winter,
The youth hostels in spring,
And all through the long summer
We stick to re vis in.
Alternative Themes The following may be used instead
of the various words in the Creed above:
Germanic Liechtensteinerisch
Crostic Crostonian
Crostation - Crostatian
Most Revered Leader Illumined Spiritual Father
May his name be revered revere his blessed name (r h b n)
Grand Germanic Priest Illumined Germanic Priest, or Holy
Liechtensteinerisch Priest
Illumined Illuminated
Honoured Privileged
Initiate Acolyte
Do YOU want to join?
If so, write an e-mail expressing your desire to become a Crostation, and send it to cultofcroston@hotmail.com, or write a letter and hand it to either Josh Blacker, Alex Glaister or, if you can, to our most revered leader. Someone will endeavour to get back to you as quickly as your application can be processed. You will be sent a form to fill in, and when you return it you will be able to join!
Crostic Orders The cult contains three or four different orders in which the worship of our most revered leader is altered in different ways. Below is a summary of the orders, some of which worship other, secondary deities als
The Order of Saywack - Also the Order of Germanic Scotland,
this order worships D. Saywack in addition to our most revered
leader. Prayers include the Haribo Prayer, the 4 for 1 Prayer
and the Rite of Debating.
The Order of Bedford von Payne - Also the Order
of Alsace Lorraine, this order worships H. Bedford-Payne in addition
to our most revered leader. Instead of Germanic, the order prefers
the word Gallic, in reference to the occasional revelations and
Gallic teachings of Croston (m. h. n. b. r.) and Bedford-Payne.
The Order of Germanic Silence - This order prefers not
to use German as a language, as it is considered heretical within
the order to speak the same language as the revered leader. The
order has its own version of the Crostic Chant, spoken in English
as opposed to the sacred language. It also has its own prayers
and psalms, written in its Sacred Tome of Germanic Silence.
Order of Knights Germanic A secretive order; they prefer
to conduct services in dark places, no-one save its Council of
Nine knows its real purpose.
Order of Knights of Croston (m.h.n.b.r) The most welcoming
order, who would ask the Pope to join if they wouldn't get banged
up. One could say they are a bit fanatical, akin to American television
evangelists. Pray that none of them get elected to chair the High
Crostic Council of Crostic Worship, or they might just make us
all stand on our heads while praying!
The High Crostic Council of Crostic Worship This is, one
might say, the governing body of the Cult, a bit like the Vatican.
Headed by the Most High Crostic Priest of the Sun, it chooses
what laws to pass and interprets the most revered leader's words
for all to understand. It comprises of the highest person from
each order and five who do not belong to any order. It is lead
by its Chair, who is an elected representative, chosen by the
Council itself. The Chair has the final say on all matters decided
by the Council. Crostations may be brought before the Council
for acts of treason against the Cult. This entails: - Denouncing
our leader's name, - Committing crimes against humanity, - Being
racist, - Or practicing the black arts The punishment for Treason
Against The Cult is being rid of one's title, being ritually thrown
out of the Cult (see later) and being forced to admit one's crimes
and repent.
Leaving The Cult One may only leave the Cult if the High Council permits it; one must present to them your case and let them decide. However, the High Council can throw you out for your crimes. A short ceremony heralds your departure. It begins with you saying one final prayer, and repeating the chant. That is your final act of worship. Then, the following passage is read to you. You have chosen to leave the Cult of Croston, leave His holy light and live in darkness. With your head held low may you lead your daily life, knowing that you have failed to uphold your faith. With the authority invested in me by our most revered leader, I know decree that your name be stricken from the Crostic Records, and will not be again spoken by a Crostation in a meeting of Crostic Worship. Live in fear of the Crostic Council, for if we hear you attempt worship of our leader, we will hunt you down and what we will do bears not thinking. Do you accept these terms and choose to leave? Your answer will be final and legally binding. You must now answer 'yes' or 'no'.
You have answered yes. Go now, with the curse of Croston upon your house.
Or, if you answered 'no', You have ridiculed the Crostic Council, and you will be thrown from the Cult into the pits of darkness. Go now, and show not your head here again. Dare not approach the Cult save for apologising. If we choose to accept your apology, so shall we welcome you back. Go!
Josh Blacker L5 (C) - RS project 2001