CWG: Insurrection


Kyle Burkett


So, a few weeks after school started, and the Madonna Bacchanale was still brooding in her lair. Unrest began to grow amongst the natives, and rumors started flying about some sort of splinter group. I didn’t hear too many details, but man, did I hear about the consequences.

It went down about like this. Todd and Cue Ball ran into each other one day, and started talking about the lack of Guild meetings. Todd was here last year, just never mentioned due to his low profile. They were unaware of the new e at the end of Guilde. So they planned their own meeting in the faculty lounge with neither robes nor dungeons. A few minor characters showed up, but no one memorable. Good thing too.

After they got things going and Todd started reading another poem about the difficulty commuter students have in parking on campus, a dark cloud started to rise from the floor. It began as a feathery plume, but soon graduated to black billowing cloud and shortly thereafter it was looking like a genuine airborne toxic event. The ATE soon enveloped Todd and Cue Ball, making them double over in pain. They dropped to the floor and writhed in agony as a thunderous voice declared, “Woe unto all who doubt me! Woe unto all who usurp my power! Woe unto those who fail to respect my authority!”

A light descended from the ceiling, and the ATE quickly faded out, taking Todd and Cue Ball with it. Brittany descended to the sound of a heavenly choir and welcomed all the novices to join the real Guilde when the meetings started the next week. When this story got back to me, I knew something was afoot. Usually this would mean that I had to go save them, but I was kind of out of the habit of going around saving people. Ladislaw isn’t into the whole hero bit.

However, much to my dismay, I bumped into Azrael as he was leading Todd and Cue Ball off to that bourne whence no traveller returneth. This is so not what I need right now. Another semester of saving people from the Creative Writers’ Guilde.

“Sorry, there’s nothing you can do,” Azrael told me as he walked by.

“What about all that stuff about there always being hope and sparrows falling?”

“That offer isn’t valid in cases of death by dissipation, persons with APO or FPO addresses, or the state of Oregon. You should really read the fine print in the Koran sometime.”

“What do you mean, the fine print in the Koran?”

“I mean, the little tiny letters at the bottom that no one reads.”

“No, what’s all that stuff about the Koran?”

“I’m the Islamic angel of death. I thought you knew that. Jeez, you Christians are so narrow-minded.”

“Well, Todd and Cue Ball aren’t Muslim. How can you take them away if they don’t even believe in you?”

“What will their spirits do otherwise? I can’t just leave them wandering around. We don’t want another Boof catastrophe.”

“Hmmmmmmm……… I see your point. What do you mean by death by dissipation?”

“Their bodies were dissolved during an airborne toxic event. Their only hope is to wait for Resurrection Morning.”

“I see.” And that was that.


I realize it’s kind of rude to introduce a character only to kill him off, but that’s what we originally did with Shorty, remember? Besides, it’s a long time before graduation. Many things can happen between now and then.


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