Summer Away From the Creative Writers’ Guilde


Kyle Burkett


So, last year I wrote a series of thirteen stories involving my introduction to the Creative Writers’ Guilde (now spelled with an e, thanks to that Madonna Bacchanale, our Fearless Leader). They were a smashing success with their somewhat limited audience, though now that they are on the internet I expect my fame will grow to Charles Dickens proportions. Naturally, I am expected to continue writing stories loosely based on what happens in the Guilde. I have been dubbed the Chronicler of the Guilde, though I prefer The Narrator. Before we start Season Two, I feel it incumbent upon myself to explain what we all did over the summer.

I went mad reading Middlemarch, and demanded that everyone call me Will Ladislaw for the entire month of July. An angel with a fiery sword of death brought me to my senses on August 1.

Cue Ball got a summer job at the Jackson County Municipal Airport. He used a flashlight reflected off his head to guide planes to a safe landing, no mean feat considering the manner in which the runway is sliding down the mountain.

Jeremy experienced a religious conversion, gave up substance abuse, and married a nun. We don’t expect to ever hear from him again.

Shorty wandered off one day in mid-June. Maybe he’ll come back sometime.

After being possessed by Boof, Kristi needed to cleanse her aura. She spent two weeks at Hindu camp and the rest of the summer looking for Shorty. She checked all the usual places, then gave up. His absence was threatening her newfound stability, so she decided to stop thinking about it.

Sherman Alexie, Boof’s current host, published a Boof-induced volume of poetry, Me Up a Tree. The critics hated it, therefore it topped the bestseller list for eleven weeks. There has been some talk of selling the rights to various rappers and greeting card companies.

Dr. Railsback went back to southern California to return to his surfer-boy childhood roots. He now sports a goatee and wears Birkenstocks to class.

Brittany got a large red hourglass tattoo on her back, then tied James up in her basement and sucked his brains out.

While there are other members in the Guilde, they didn’t really play a significant role in last year’s stories. Maybe they’ll be more important this year. Let’s wait and see.


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