My Dreams

when I was about 7 or 8
MEI'm in a church with my family (maybe my church, maybe not) but the only person I specifically remember is my mother. Everyone is standing in this depressing, red & black type feel church while they are one-by-one severed at the waist, while the organ is blasting and no one seems panicked or worried of the impending misfortune. As is came to us, my mom went and then I woke up before I would have died.
TOAD ANALYSIS : This could possibly represent my future departure from the church and disgust with religion. At the time, I was just terrified of death but now I interpret it as a sign of things to come.

around '98
ME I was supposed to meet up with Paul McCartney and I'm at an airport. I search for him forever and never get to him.

around '98
ME I'm in a beautiful town unlike Pittsburgh (maybe Milford, NH where my dad grew up) and there is a barbershop on the corner. It's got windows so you can see everything inside. Inside my father is having the brain surgery I had heard about.
METhis was after he died.
TOAD ANALYSIS : I guess this expresses how confused I was around the time my dad died and how shut out I felt, but I wouldn't have liked to know and this dream proved that.

around '98
ME I go into a hardware store and find Justin Timberlake at the register. I go further to the back and think about what I should do. I try to get his attention (I'm fat in mind but not in appearance) but he's flirting with Britney Spears, so he never notices me. Mind you, this is before they made it public they were going out and maybe they weren't yet.
TOAD ANALYSIS : This is a sign of my frustration with guys but at the time I was still wearing a 12 and I looked okay. It was the only time I could have gotten someone to notice me. I think that Justin represented Jeremy C.P. and Britney represented Justina. They were going out the year I was consumed with him and incessantly made a fool out of myself. The jealousy is the same. But JCP did appear to lead me on, and whether it was real didn't matter to his "biggest fan" (me).

around '99
ME This a "Fright Night" type thing, where Marilyn Manson is red and white striped and seems to be on display. He's being like a puppet, not himself. I'm on tracks of some kind. I'm the only one there. I'm terrified of him and when I start crying, he turns to human and is the nicest, sweetest person.
MENow in real life, I wouldn't have been scared of him.
MEDifferent dream, same night. I'm part of the Animorphs, running away from people who think we're what we are. I remember it being like I was part of the book. "They" caught up with me and surrounded me, then I woke up.
TOAD ANALYSIS : I think that this dream represents the journey to accepting Marilyn Manson; first : shock, then : comfort and appreciation. If anyone else had been there, he would still have been scary to them and not me, he was a sweetheart. The second part is another frustration one but tied into my obsession with Animorphs.

August 26th, 2001
ME I'm in a situation where Chris (from camp) has died and it's very important that his stuff be sold because we're in a place far from home. Michelle (Amanda, from camp) is being a bitch and she has a newborn baby she won't let me even touch. Before people came in I had a pang to find Tori Amos' "Boys for Pele" and they were organized on my video rack (from my room), but I didn't find it. So, there's a sale and there is an Indian couple with lot of kids (like Apoo from "the Simpsons") and I know them. There's a time limit of some sort. It seems like 8 times what he should have and it's well organized. There's a clothes section and there are many copies of the same dress. There's a porn section where there are electrically spinning lollipop holders with Dolly Parton, and some other older person, on them. I got some with Fred and Barney from the Flintstones on them, and I had to get them and I don't know why. Elliot's shopping there too. He's in the porn section. I go there and think about how embarrassed his parents must be. No one is sad or emotional at all.
TOAD ANALYSIS : David wasn't in it so it was not as camp themed as I'd like to think. It had a sort of "Brave New World" kind of acceptance of death, that's pretty frightening. I've always liked Chris, but he's a playa and he would never like me more than a guy friend, which I'm not even. I guess it made the possiblity completely unrealistic instead of just very unrealistic. And of course the time issue, searching for "Boys for Pele" and not getting along with Michelle and the frustrations.
ME Different dream, same night. I'm in a bio-dome, mansion thing with Cafe Sam's bar. It's a formal gathering where everyone is dressed up and it sucks. Two girls and I all find Gale Harold (from "Queer As Folk") and he's being nice. He's taking pictures and being really generous with his time. He goes behind the bar and takes a picture of me. I make a half-smile and he encourages me to make a real one. He assures me I look "fine" which means I'm ugly. I decide there that he's straight. Then, he signed a piece of paper (or so I thought), while he talked it up with one of the girls, who was still hanging around. He really just scribbled on it and one thing he wrote was about how I should listen to a particular band. He was being like Brian, which I told him, and then I started beating him with a binder (that I just threw away in real life) in a weak, girl kind of way. I got done and Mary (from work) gave me reassurance, that I had done good. Then, Gale started to chase after me, which is when I started to be in my Cafe Sam uniform (blue shirt, black pants, boots) instead of the dress I wore at Cafe night at camp, when Gary Harger was interrogating me. In this dream I was myself not beautiful or thin, like I usually am. He seemed to be slow but really angerly chasing me. After I tried to duck under a person propped between two chairs (\- -/, these are the chairs and the person was laying on them), I woke up.
TOAD ANALYSIS : I think that Gale was really being Brian, like I was acting but didn't know it. I don't think Gale could be like that. I think I was part of "Queer as Folk" and didn't know it. This could all represent some nervousness about moving and starting school, except I don't know how. I was probably feeling totally unprepared to move and my dream reflected my inability to do something right, which is an ongoing difficulty with myself.

October 5, 2001
ME It started out indecipherable but I'm in a house that's supposed to be mine(Ridgeville), but it's like a mansion. Partway throught I find out that this guy from school named Robert (from English), is there. There was something about him having to be in my room like I was preparing it for him to watch TV in or something. He's adorabible and instead of being uncomfortable, I advance. Like the last big dream, I'm like me, but I'm like me in a size 12, which is reasonable. So, we're watching people across the street converse. One is named Samuel and looks like Tom Savini (my real, actor neighbor). Instead of kissing on the lips, he offers his neck. Then, I do this weird thing that I run kisses down his back in a big squiggly line. This seemed normal in the dream, he seemed to like it. But, I don't remember him not having a shirt on. It was one of the more realistic dreams I've had, so I react to it like it's real life. So, it's nice and sad at the same time. Damn that boy is cute, mmmuhmmmuh.
TOAD ANALYSIS : Robert not letting me kiss him on the lips represents my frustrations with being totally inexperienced with boys and having never kissed anyone, this furthers my frustrations, but see, I went along with it.
ME We got off a bus (I never remember getting on) and I think I didn't tell him that it was our stop, so he came later, but with something from the store. So, now the house is made up for his birthday and we don't talk again. Afterwards, (without him) my family goes to some place that seems like it resembles something Flagstaff Hill but smaller.
TOAD ANALYSIS : I think that this second half was part guilt (for not telling him which stop) and part relief, going to a nice place where the people are nice. And of course he ditches me, which is inevitable in my dreams.

October 6, 2002
ME Trent Reznor was on my porch (which doesn't exist) and he was signing my torn "Fragile", except I have a new one and the cover was that of "the Downward Spiral". He wrote it real personal like : "I could write a letter but ...." He was super nice and I was having a conversation with Elliot about how this one moved up to my best autograph and I was naming the good ones when I started to think so much, I woke up. There was something about having a Marilyn Manson printed autograph and that sparked a conversation.
TOAD ANALYSIS : Not remembering was the frustration part and Trent being nice was really comforting. It was like me and Trent and Ell were all on the old porch chattin it up, having a great time. I think that the two consecutive dreams are opposites. Last night, I felt completely insecure and inadequate and this second one is really nice and there's almost no bad overtone.

December 7, 2001
ME I'm working in a library and Mr. Demmler is my boss. It looks nothing like a library, it's more like a cross between Barnes & Noble and a eat-in kitchen, but it is a libary. I'm an awful employee (I think) because I don't think I did anything but pick up books for myself and worry about places to hide them because I didn't have a library card. Instead of having a punch card for a time sheet, I have a dog tag type pendent that had flowers on it to signify some spiritual meaning. I remember becoming obsessed with a couple of flip books of Nine Inch Nails but also found some girl's notebook with her assignments in them, as if the library catalogs everything in it, even lost personal items. The big frustration is that I punched out 27 minutes late (and I need to piss really bad, I think I did in real life and it woke me up) and Demmler didn't even notice.
TOAD ANALYSIS : I can interpret almost the entire thing.
- The library is comfort.
-The state of not having a library card had made getting stuff for Mrs. Weiss' India project hard. I was the first person on the first day to present this project, on Monday and that was incredibly nerver racking.
-The girl's notebook represents how I feel bad because Mrs. Weiss made no rubric for her project and I pitched my notes for the project.
-The dog tag's design reminds me that I'm on a constant spiritual journey and am never quite comforted by the fact that I'm gonna die and I'm not a Christian and so on. The dog tag symbolizes my delusion that everyone can see through me. At Cafe Sam, I have to worry about punching before 9p for legal reasons and I have no watch. I have good timing but it worries the hell out of me. I also have a fear of being late because of inconveniencing or disappointing people because my mom always made me late to everything and I was always so embarrassed.
-The fact Demmler let me get away with it almost makes me want to scream. He favors me and doesn't penalize me like he would every other student because he likes me. I hate that. I adore him, he's a good teacher, a good person and very pleasant (looking and acting).
-Nine Inch Nails represents the sexual element because Trent is one sexy bastard.
-This dream, as a whole represents my anxiety over a project in Demmler's class, wherein we have to research a question (along with four other people) about World War I. We were in the library Monday through Thursday and this was Thursday night/Friday morning. I feel completely unready for it and doubt I will ready for it. Although it's a group research project, the debate (video taped with an audience) is incredibly daunting.

December 8, 2001
ME There were time restrictions and for some reason I had to take a bath somewhere. I rode to a place that felt like it was in my neighborhood but I have no idea where it is. It was a gas station type place and the bathrooms had no showers. The whole time I had to piss. I went to a place that had a full tub in it (and I have no idea how I got in) and I remember being really worried about leaving. Then, some cute black guy comes in, as I'm leaving, saying he's the one in the Hebrew band, I shake his hand and mumble something and leave. I remember that I left the bike outside by the bathrooms and feel awful about it being stolen. I also worry about the black guy figuring out that I have nothing to do with his band and worry about having to potentially face him. I didn't know who's bath it was and worry about that.
TOAD ANALYSIS : Our bikes were stolen and when I rode to Cafe Sam on a semi-regular basis, I always worried about mine getting stolen, because last year, I just put the bike in the nook of the basement stairs in the back and never really thought about the fact it could be stolen. The worst dreams I have deal with my nakedness, which represents my insecurities about my body. I have had dreams of being naked in school in middle school and one recently. And real nakedness represents some vulnerability or unsureness. I like to play-act like I'm confident but it's a farce, I'm really confused and insecure constantly. I'm the opposite of how I may seem to those who don't know me at all. I appear to be unapproachable, and intimidating and hard but I'm not that at all. Anyone who's ever sit by me and was friendly knows I'm not how I look. I didn't purposely make this facade, it made itself. I don't want to seem like I'm antisocial by reading at lunch, alone. I'm unsocial, meaning I don't go searching for social situations but I also don't avoid them, not always. I have a short attention span and thinks it's futile to sit with people I despise in the hopes they will acknowledge me, that's a kind of desperation I'm not willing to take on.

June 23, 2002
ME It's around the end of the year, finals and all. I meet Jeremy Deglmann in the hall of a school that doesn't look like Schenley but is. It isn't weird that he's there (even though he goes to Perry) and it isn't the first time I've seen him since Frick. He's with a friend, who looks strikingly like Stefan but I'm not at all nervous around him. He's the cuter version of him and I think in my head, that he's bumped Stefan out of the #2 spot and off the list completely. Actually, it's an incredibly comfortable situation. I've never met this friend and Jeremy won't tell me his name. I go into Ms. Weiss' class (looks just like Mr. Zanetti's) and there's fried chicken for everyone. [This is a recurring setting for me, lately.] She has the overhead on with swimming safety stuff and it's sort of frustrating because it seems important. Maria asks me to play cards with her but my fingers are greasy...
TOAD ANALYSIS : This could mean that I'll never get Stefan, which is probably true, but someone who I feel is more attractive, which could even be Julian, who is much more attractive than Stefan. Also, I will have a best friend, someone who I may already know, but I haven't been close to. Most of all, it shows that I'm really getting over my infatuation with Stefan, which is a relief. Finals is the stress, while Stefan-look-a-like and "Jeremy" are the comfort.

October 14, 2002
ME I only remember the tail end of it but I can't get the image out of my mind. I go to mom's car, it doesn't look like it but it IS, and open it up because for some reason I have this idea that a dead body is hidden above the pedals. So I touch it and it falls down. So, this very small, dead man falls. I run into the house and dial 9-1-1 but for some reason I keep getting an automated service for the library. By the end of the dream I still haven't reported it because of the phone. I worry that I may be a suspect and that my fingerprints are a problem.
TOAD ANALYSIS : Taking into consideration that I'm reading the Silence of the Lambs and I've been watching MONK and Six Feet Under a lot, this may be an amalgamation of these disturbing images. I think, like everything else in my dreams, it represents stress. I have these RRJs due and I let it wait til the last minute and I don't want to do it, I just want to curl up.

April 21, 2003
ME I just got up and I was dreaming. I was in school and it was before school had started. I was sitting at a lunch table with Jared and Bradley and I was talking to Jared (as if Jared is ever not an hour late for school). I have been in situations where I was talking to Jared and other people but never him directly. I am very intimidated by him because he's so ridiculously intelligent without ever trying. He went into Biology for an open book test without having read the chapter and finished early and I only got an 80% on it. So, we were talking and it was really great and the only thing I remember him saying was that he hated his face because of all the pits in it. I was contemplating saying something like, "It's so beautiful anyway, the pits give it character", but I woke up too soon. Bradley was busy doing homework, and had a German Aktuell magazine open even though he takes Spanish. And he looked really organized. Then, some new administrator type guy told us we have to move because our lunch table was in the hall instead of the lunch room, even though this is not physically possible. These halls were much larger to have fit a lunch table in them. He was really really mean and he reminded me of the penguin in Batman Returns. I don't remember that much from the dream but it seemed really very real and it was interesting.

May 16, 2003
ME So, Elliot, Mom and I are going on some kind of trip. Just like always, there is miscommunication. Whenever we go anywhere, we are late. Sometimes it is because one of us is waiting downstairs or in our room or outside, totally ready, and Mom is waiting upstairs ready, thinking we're not. The only part of the dream I really remember is that I want to put the dog in the basement. As far as I know I was thinner because I usually am in my dreams, literally. So, I go down to the basement. It's like it is usually in my dreams, which is unlike any basement I've everbeen in but it looks like any old basement. We also live in our old house in Squirrel Hill. This time, when I go down to the basement, there a bunch of old people there. At first I think it's some kind of fitness club or something. They are running around in a circle. I was only checking to see if the cardboard box with the blanket in it was still there and it was. This would be for the dog. But I'm very confused by the people in our basement. Then I see Nathanial and Nate Fisher (from Six Feet Under) and I follow them back up. They are talking and this seems like something from the show. They are talking about some letter and say something about the prophet Nate. So, I figure this is some kind of cult that the old people are in. They are holding some kind of letter and I go back upstairs. The Fishers are gone and I'm back in my old house. I, still thinking the rest of my family is not ready, don't do much. Then, I go outside and they are in sitting in the car and we all say, "What the FUCK?" My Mom is really really pissed. She says that we're leaving the dog in the living room and crossing our fingers. I get pissed and realizing I'm totally unprepared, I run to the bathroom and grab toilettries and such. This is where the dream ends, in the middle of gathering my things.
TOAD ANALYSIS : As always I am misunderstood and unappreciated. I am also being partially on task but really not very ready. Maybe it's a return to anxiety over something besides friends.

2003.05.18 07.22 I was dreaming and it was weird. So, I was myself, not thinner or anything and I was standing at a bus stop in a place that looked like Squirrel Hill. My fashion arts teacher was going to take the same bus and she had her little cart thing with her. Elliot and Qhyn (whom I've never met) crossed the street without me, so I hurried up and crossed, but I forgot my backpack. I ran across the street and about two second before I got there, a black guy picked it up. I said that it was mine but he refused to give it back. I latched onto his shirt collar and made him stay with me and the two ladies, with babies, he was with continued to walk. He would NOT give me back my backpack. We went through a bar type of place that seemed to have a rodeo theme and also a clothes store but we ended up in a place that I designated as Cafe Sam. I tried to reason with him and we both began to wear down. I took his cell phone and (somehow I was talking to him through his cell phone, asking him the number so I could call his friends) tried to call his friends. Then, Carrie (from the Warhol) is there. In fact, the environment begins to feel a lot like the Warhol. I hear things about movies by different people, something about a movie of Alex's that I should see and then Carrie gives me a bunch of very large discs (like video discs) that I've been expecting her to give me. I kept waking up to my alarm that has, I think, a 2 minute snooze on it, and I also began to think about my dream while I was trying to continue it, so this is all I remember.