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Procrastination is a great thing. When I have things to do, they don’t get 
done until the last minute and I do stupid shit to occupy myself. 

That’s why it’s time for

MORE Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen

The Passion I like my violence light-hearted and served sans 
guilt, thank you very much. 

Citizen Kane I just sat here for five minutes trying to remember the 
name of this movie. I eventually had to look it up. In this movie, Orson 
Welles isn’t fat and I don’t even know if he’s in the movie but he wrote it or 
directed it or something. And it all takes place in a snowglobe on Mars.

Wings Okay, this one isn’t a movie, and I’ve seen it, but it was a 
terrible television show. It was one of the few things Tony Shaloub was in 
that I didn’t enjoy. The guy who played “Lowell” was in George of the Jungle 
though, and I like that movie. A lot. More than any man ever should.

Top Gun I hate Tom Cruise, but I did go on the ride at Wonderland, and 
it was awesome.

Mullholland Drive Lesbians!

Pi Everyone likes Pi, and something happens with some rabbis and then a 
drill and its all about math. The only movie about math I enjoyed was that one 
about the inner city teacher who teaches the kids calculus or something and 
then they all cheat and he has a heart attack, and I didn’t even enjoy it, we 
just watched in my math class in high school, and I was glad I didn’t have to 
do any math.

Jurassic Park 3 No Goldblum, no Greg.

The Colour Purple This movie is either about slaves or a chick who 
turns out to be a guy, I can’t remember. It’s possibly about a slave woman who 
turns out to be a guy. Anyway, the title always reminds me of the song LOLA 
about that guy who makes out with a chick that turns out to be a guy. Someone 
once told me they didn’t know Lola was a man for a long time and thought it 
was a song about some dude losing his V-Card to a babe. They didn’t know how 
wrong they were.

The Italian Job MAYBE I’D WATCH IT IF IT WAS CALLED THE ITALIAN BLOWJOB 
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAhAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Actually, I probably wouldn’t.

Terminator 2 It’s possible I saw this movie, but I don’t remember it. 
Once, I had a radio show with my friend Dan, and out of nowhere he goes “In 
other news, Terminator 2 is a good movie.” 

Say Anything This movie looks pretty emo, and you all know my stance on 
emo.

All Dogs Go to Heaven I saw the sequel to this movie. It was pretty 
gay, and even at the age of 7 I realized that. I also saw the movie “Ghost 
Dad” because the Jungle Book was sold out. Thanks for making that movie, Bill 
Cosby. YOU NOW HAUNT MY DREAMS EVERY NIGHT!

Space Jam Oh wait, I have seen Space Jam. Over twenty times. When I was 
a kid, my family used to go up to a cottage for three weeks, and one year my 
brother watched Space Jam EVERY DAY. I fucking hated that movie.

Hamlet (Mel Gibson version) THE PASSION OF THE SHAKESPEARE

War Games It’s Ferris Bueller... for pasty nerds!

Mandy Moore Movies Hey Mandy Moore is hot! It’s like a porno, except 
instead of sex, there’s angst and clothing!

King Ralph I always see this video when I’m at the video store, and it 
has John Goodman looking all happy sitting on a throne wearing a crown on the 
cover, but then I think what would happen if John Goodman really were a king 
and scare myself out of renting it.
 

Scary Movie 3 So scary even the Wayans thought it was too crappy to 
work on!

The Road Warrior THE PASSION OF THE POST APOCALYPTIC ANTI-HERO

Charlie’s Angels More breasts than the chick with four boobs from Total 
Recall!

Total Recall Has a chick with four boobs! Four! YOU COULD DOUBLE YOUR 
PLEASURE AND DOUBLE YOUR FUN WITHOUT THE ASSISTANCE OF DOUBLE-MINT GUM!

The Exorcist I’ve seen a lot of horror movies, but I’ve never seen this 
one. It’s about a chick who pukes everywhere. OOOO that’s sooooooo scary.

Bedazzled It has Brendan Fraser AND Elizabeth Hurley. How did it not 
get any Oscar nominations?

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas I can do my own drugs, thank you very 
much.

Braveheart THE PASSION OF THE SCOTTISH!


I suppose that’s enough for today (and hopefully ever).

Until next time, I’m Greg MacDonald

THE END

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