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The concert was so good I couldn’t write an article about it! It put me out of 
commission for a few days.

Today’s topic is:

The X-Files: Toronto Division

With the recent string of spinoffs like CSI: PEARL ISLANDS and LAW AND ORDER: 
TOM’S DINER: DOG ATTACK UNIT, we at the Organ Donors headed down to Hollywood 
(again). They’ve been having a few problems with programming, because shows 
like “Joe Millionaire Combs His Hair With Knives” just weren’t drawing the 
ratings anymore.

“Harry Q. Hollywood,” I said, “what if we did something a little different? 
What if instead of spinning off an old show, we span off a show that was 
cancelled!?”

With that, The X-Files: Toronto Division was set into production. It revolved 
around two CSIS agents working the unsolved and paranormal case files, 
starring GREG MACDONALD as HIMSELF and TOM WAITS as JAKE KEATING. Music by 
ALEXISONFIRE, so as to capture the lucrative emo market.

Their first case: an inquiry into why the word “duh” faded out of mainstream 
culture in the late 1990s. 

The episode opens with Jake Keating (Tom Waits) being called into a large 
office. There, he meets his superior, Walter Craig (Wallace Shaun).

WC: We’re putting you on the X-Files. We want you to keep an eye on that 
rapscallion renegadeG REG MACDONALD.

*Alexisonfire guitar riff*

JK: But sir, I’m a highly trained do-nothing loser, it will tear me away from 
my work!

WC: Look, kid, you’re the best worst agent we have. We need a mole inside of 
those X-Files!

JK: BUT WHY?

Then a shady figure emerges from the shadows and tells Jake just to fucking do 
it and stop being such a stupid pussy. He’s really working for the government, 
who wants the X-Files shut, but for some mysterious reason keep them open. 

Jake heads down to the basement of the CSIS building and gets acquainted with 
his offbeat new partner.

JK: Wow are you ever offbeat, but by the end of this episode I will respect 
your methods.

GM: Wow are you ever a narc, but I’ll sway you to my way of thinking.

They decide to head down to the Eaton Centre to get a feel for today’s hip 
culture, so they can deduce why “duh” isn’t cool anymore. During their 
investigation, they exchange witty banter that also furthers the plot and 
reveals Greg’s kooky ideas.

Eventually, they find what they are looking for: OLD NAVY, the hippest place 
this side of the Atlantic, and maybe even the other side, but who knows. Foreigners.

Greg flashes his badge to the saleslady. 

GM: Agent MacDonald, FBI, this is my partner, Jake Keating. We want to ask you 
a few questions about today’s hip new lingo. What do you know about the word duh?

The counter girl looks nervous and bites her lip. It’s kind of sexy. Then she 
slowly begins to remove her clothes, revealing smooth, creamy skin. . . . . . . . . . . 
	
Girl: Oops my clothes fell off.

She starts seductively rubbing her breasts and . . . . .

. . . . 


. . . . licking her lips and . . .


. . . oh yeah baybee that's it, work it . . . and

. . .


YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Until next time, I’m good, if you know what I’m saying.

THE END
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