Failure

I’m not a dyke today.
I wish I were. But the ball-capped women walking on campus are not mine to look at,
Not today.
This morning I left my car with a man
Because I couldn’t change the brake pads myself.
Now, I could still be a lesbian
If I’d gone to a mechanic
And paid with a credit card.
But I don’t have much money
And I don’t have a credit card.
So I left my car with a friend
And told him I’d buy him lunch at the Chinese place he likes so much
To say thank you.
And he smiled, and said, “No problem, honey.”
And I smiled, and told him how much I appreciated his help.
Then he drove away
In my MamaMobile station wagon with its rainbow on the bumper.
I didn’t cry until he couldn’t see.

July, 1998

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