The next logical question is how common is this?I assume, not very.Especially compared to the rate of husbands abusing their wives. In the US, the rate of physical abuse of husbands is slightly higher than the rate of physical abuse of wives.This pattern (for the most part) seems to hold true in all but one of the countries that have been studied (in that country, wives were abused about twice as often.) One of the reasons that the topic of husband battering is so poorly understood is that research on battered husbands didn't even begin until about 10 years ago.At that point, some of the researchers on battered wives started realizing they were only seeing half of the story. If you want an excellent overview (with citations from a lot of Studies,) see the chapter on Husband Battering in The Handbook of Family Violence.It not only notes the statistics, but has a number of quotes from battered husbands and talks some about the dynamics of the abusive relationship. To any battered men out there, I repeat my offer.E-mail me and I'll mail you a copy free.Reading this, understanding what I had been through, and realizing I wasn't alone was one of the most valuable parts of my healing process. Although I haven't read any kind of text on abusive relationships, I think I have a minimal understanding of these issues.The question I have is not why anyone would stay in such a relationship (Allen seems to me to be a very brave person by recognizing the problems early in the marriage and trying VERY hard to get out.)The difficulty I have is imagining a situation where the man is consistently and/or systematically physically abused. (Allen says he experienced "Regular physical abuse over a period of 3.5 years") And I have already admitted that the reason it is difficult for me is my traditional view of the man as the physically stronger, more aggressive of the pair. Your quote here reads very close to the Guardian ad Leitum's  statements in his final report.He basically was unable to believe my claims - especially given my 'assertive personality'.The fact that he didn't believe me on this destroyed my credibility in everything else I told him. In reality, this sort of attitude shows that you (no offense) do NOT have an understanding of what an abusive relationship is like. Physical abuse and the infliction of pain have little to do with it.Power and control are what it is about.Domination. In my case, I began with an inability to strike back.I had strong moral inhibitions against the use of violence.I've been mugged before and never struck back.This was even harder.The person who was attacking me was someone I cared for and someone I felt responsible for.It never even occurred to me to strike back. But let me point out that the beatings were only a small part of the problem.I was also cut off from any meaningful contact with friends and family (one of the consistent threads in abusive relationships - this helps the abuser destroy your sense ooof reality by getting rid of any 'anchors'.) I lost the ability to have any control over my life (I wasn't even allowed to dress myself - under threat of violence,) and you end up spending all of your time just trying to hold on to a shred of sanity and keep things from totally  falling apart. I'm sure there are people who have been abused 'worse' than I was. I was bruised regularly, but I was only attacked with a deadly weapon once (a steak knife - I stopped it before she got me with it.)In reality, most of the times I thought my life was in danger was when she would beat me while I was driving - and she was putting the lives of herself and my son equally in danger then.To be honest with you, the verbal and psychological abuse were much worse.And that's part of the key.She was actually able to half-convince me that I DESERVED to be treated that way. After a year and a half of being abused, I finally decided something had to be done.I was gradually facing her insanity, and realizing she wasn't sane helped me understand that I was (it was clear that both of us couldn't be.)So - I started restraining her and slapping her when she beat me.My rationale was that maybe the reason she was beating me is because I was letting her get away with it.Not too dissimilar to your understanding, I suspect. The result was probably predictable to anyone who understands abusive relationships.She escalated.There is always a line beyond which any sane person will not go.The abusive mentality finds that line and crosses it.With me, it was my son.She started grabbing my son whenever she wanted to beat me.She would hold him screaming in my face with one hand while she pounded me with the other.How can you possibly respond to this?(Note:This isn't just me, either.I posted this once previously, and I got e-mail from two men who had EXACTLY the same thing happen.) My final realization came a few weeks later.I had been trying to keep the conflicts to when Steven was in bed (she would never leave the room during a conflict - so he was safe then.)We had a violent outburst.As always, I was feeling torn-up and burned out afterwards - curled up in a corner on the couch cryinggg..She came over and 'made up' (something that I was always desperate to do after a fight), she then tried to comfort me.Her holding me was bad enough, but she started rocking me - while telling me that the whole thing was my mother's fault.If only my mother hadn't yelled at me so much as a child, I wouldn't have any problem with her abusing me.(Of course, there is a germ of truth in this - which is a common syndrome in abusive relationships - the twisting of the truth in such a way that reality becomes massively warped.)She kept repeating this over and over.I tried to get her to stop.I begged her.She only kept yelling it louder and louder to drown out my objections.I then tried to get away from her - to run away from it and get out of the apartment.She just held me tighter and tighter.I couldn't get away.I finally pushed out as hard as I could with my feet (I was curled up, remember).The first time this didn't work - so I tried again harder.This time it worked, but it launched her off the couch onto the floor.It also bruised her. Again, the result of this is likely to be obvious to anyone who understand abusive relationships.She milked this for all it was worth.She went to the hospital to get it checked out - and made  sure I realized I was damn lucky she wasn't filing charges and was 'covering up' for me.I never saw her body so much in our marriage as I did in the next few weeks - she never missed a chance to parade that bruise in front of me.Two days later, she beat me (I was feeling guilty enough that I didn't even try to restrain her) and bruised me just as badly.The next time she showed off her bruise, I countered with mine.She just laughed - that was MY fault for making her mad.That's when I knew there was nothing I could do. As to why I didn't leave - the reason was my son.How can you possibly justify leaving a son with someone so violent and abusive? I had no delusions that I would be able to get custody.I DID have a delusion that by staying I could somehow protect my son from the same abuse that I had been receiving.It took two things before I was able to file for divorce: - I had to realize that I was powerless if I stayed, and that there was nothing I could do to protect my son. - I got so suicidal that I finally faced up to the fact that  I would be dead in a year anyway, and that wouldn't do my son any good either. Of course not.But isn't it true (as I suggested above) that the vast majority of abusive (marriage) relationships cast the man in the role of the abuser? See above.You are simply wrong. Is this to suggest that women are as violent as men?If so, I don't believe it says anything.Let's compare arrests/convictions of men and women for ALL murders committed in America, or all violent crimes. Domestic violence has nothing to do with non-domestic violence. Even if so - you are being extremely sexist in your interpretation. Not only are most non-domestic murders committed by men, but most of the victims are men as well.I'm tempted to carry the analogy further, but it's a worthless argument.They simply aren't the same thing. There are two violent crimes which (according to FBI statistics) women dominate as perpetrators.They are infanticide and child abuse.I don't see how the claim can be made that women don't have the potential for domestic violence. click here