Chapter 4: The Anti-Dorothy Story!

Lessee…some evil bashing of Dorothy, plenty of AU and yaoi content…insanity, hangovers and biscuits! (AN1: Baka! There ARE no biscuits!) Yeah…um…we don’t own Gundam Wing, or the wonderful, glorious, all-mighty Tomb Raider or the cyber babe Lara Croft! (AN1: Akuma…you DO know that you are a girl…right?) (AN2: Shut up!) So we don’t own all the stuff that you know is copyrighted by the lucky bastards who make this stuff. A thousand curses upon you!!

    (Akuma is repeatedly bashing her head against the wall while Umei is trying to negotiate with a hysterical Quatre)
Akuma: No! No! NO! NO!!! I won’t do (pound) anymore stalker control!
Quatre: But you MUST help me! I don’t wish to be stabbed again!
Umei: Doesn’t Trowa usually protect you?
Quatre: I can’t always be dependant on Trowa. I barely get to see him as it is. The bed starts to get cold after a while when-
Umei: Err! Thanks!
Quatre: (sweatdrop)
Akuma: Quatre, if you keep talking like that, I’ll neglect to ever help you again with problems from “scissor brow”!!
Quatre: (pout) …I’m sorry! (begins to cry)
Umei: Now you’ve done it! >_<
Quatre: Waaaahhhh!!!
Akuma: (returns to pounding in head)
     (Suddenly Trowa runs in and begins to comfort Quatre)
Umei: (twitching)
Akuma: Erm…I didn’t do it… (tiptoes away)
Trowa: Oh no you don’t! No one harms my Quat-koi and gets away with it! (grabs Akuma by her collar and drags her across the floor)
Akuma: UMEI!!! Help! I was joking! I was kidding! Troooowwaaa!!
Trowa: ……(drags her into a nearby room where Quatre could not witness the violence)
Akuma: KAMI!!!
Umei: (still twitching)
Quatre: (still sobbing)
Akuma: (still screaming)
   (Akuma bends Trowa’s pinky finger into every single direction)
Trowa: …Ow…
Akuma: Waaah-hhhhahhhaaaaa!! (races to the opposite direction and crashes into Trowa)
(AN1: Wait! How did he get over there?!) (AN2: Never underestimate Trowa…)
Akuma: (looks up and sees Trowa standing above her with his uni-bang blown to the side of this head) O_O
Trowa: (touches the place where his hair is supposed to be) ………
Akuma: Ah-heh…(cute chibi face)
Umei: (still twitching)
Quatre: (Still sobbing)
Trowa: (struggling to replace hair)
Akuma: (sprinting down the hall) I’m too young to die!!
Trowa: (his hair springs back to normal. Henow chases Akuma, making a stabbing motion with his head)
Akuma: (runs into a corner) Umei-chan!!
Trowa: (lunges at her with his hair)
Akuma: (jumps to the side as Trowa’s sword-like hair makes a nice hole in the wall)
   (Akuma runs into the kitchen and pulls out a lighter)
Akuma: Yamate! (flicks lighter and places it in front of her) You have more gel than Elvis! Come any closer and the world goes Boom! It’s enough for a nuclear explosion!
Trowa: (taking a step back) Let’s be reasonable about this…
Akuma: Promise you won’t attack me! I’ll put this down if you promise to leave me alone!
Trowa: Hm…tough choice…
Akuma: Well you gotta make it.
Trowa: Make what?
Akuma: Stop acting like Umei! You know what I mean!
Umei: Hey! (AN1: Oh my Gundam! She’s not twitching!) Akuma: Shut up! Can’tcha see I’m trying to defeat bang-boy?
Umei: (eyes water up) You dissed me! And yelled too! I want pocky!
Akuma: Dear Kami…
Trowa: (takes this opportunity to run)
Umei: POCKY!!!
Akuma: Get back here!
Umei: Waaaahhhh!!

[Later…]

Akuma: Umei, it’s freakin’ pocky!
Umei: But I’m hungry!
Akuma: (sigh)
   (Trowa and Quatre appear out of the living room closet)
Trowa: We can’t concentrate! Stop yelling!
Quatre: We shouldn’t be fighting at all!
Umei: POOOCCCKKKYYYYY!!! (Usagi wail)
Akuma: (sighs) Baka…(pulls out a cell phone) Her and her retarded pocky! (grumbles as she punches in the International Pocky Company number)
Umei: (hiccups and clutches onto Akuma’s leg)
Akuma: (tries to shake corpse from leg)
Umei: (squeezes harder)
Akuma: Ow!  IPC!! Bring over three loads each stocked with chocolate, mousse, marble, and mens pocky! ……I don’t care how you do it! Remember Fred, I still have that pink tutu picture!! (hangs up)

   (Immediately three trucks pull up and dump pocky by the house)
Umei: POCKY!!! (knocks Akuma away and dives out of the window to land in the pocky)
Akuma: I…Itai…
Trowa: (comes out all mad and stuff) Shaddup! I can barely hear myself think, more or less perform!! Akuma: (slaps forehead and look out the window to see Umei laughing psychotically and “swimming” in the pocky) Uh…(sweatdrop) I need to go get stoned…

[Three Days Later…]

    (A search party consisting of Umei, Quatre, Trowa, and Fred, looking for Akuma; who went to get stoned but never came back. They expect the worst. They have looked in every tavern, gun shop, military base, and strip joint and with the local dealers… No Akuma.)

   (Umei was about to give up. She was polishing off her 15th box of pocky and was looking for someplace to throw it out. Umei is not a litterbug. Soon, she spotted a dumpster in an alleyway. She made her way towards it. As she lifted up the lid, the brunete saw a blonde braid.)
Umei: …Akuma…?
   (Akuma is lying in the dumpster, pale and with a huge hangover)
Akuma: Shi…Shimatta…(holding her head)
Umei: Erm…(picks a banana peel off her head) We’ve been looking for you…(pats her on the cheek to get a response)
Akuma: …feet…(starts chewing on a shoe)
Umei: Ah…ah heh heh…(looks around nervously) Akuma, time to go home.
Akuma: (shakily stands up) I’m okay! (starts to step out of the dumpster but her foot catches the edge and she goes sailing into Umei)
Umei: Oof!!
Akuma: S…Sorry! ((People walking past stare))
Umei: Erm…this looks bad…
Akuma: Gomen…ne…(gets off Umei)

[Back at the Gundam House…]

   (Akuma is recovering her brain cells, Umei is typing on her mini-PC, Trowa and Quatre are working on their Gundams and their flirting skills)
Umei: (closes PC and drags Akuma off the couch) Come ON!! (trying to drag Akuma thru the door) This is a very big mission!!
Akuma: NO!! I don’t get paid enough!!
Umei: How does 500,000 credits for your retirement fund sound?
Akuma: Where does Dorothy live, again?

[Wherever the hell Dorothy lives…]

Umei: (choke) Let…go…! (gasp)
   (Akuma is strangling Umei with her Bag-o-Stuff)
Akuma: You said she was harmless!! She nearly skewered me!!
Umei: ……air……
Akuma: (Still wringing Umei’s neck)
Umei: ……it wasn’t…(gasp) my fault…!!
Akuma: Rrrrr. (lets go)
Umei: (falls to the ground grasping throat and trying to catch her breath)
   (From out of nowhere)
Dorothy: E-heeheeheehee!! Feel the power of the brow!! (She is standing in front of Akuma and Umei about 10 ft. away holding a ‘D’ battery with jumper cables hooked up to her eyebrows)
Umei/Akuma: Kuso.
Dorothy: AIIEEEE!!! (she uses “The Power of the Brow” to electrocute Umei and Akuma)
Umei: (all black) …!! (cough, blink)
Akuma: (all black and swirly eyes) .....
Dorothy: (clasps battery and runs off)

(Later…)

Umei: (drying her hair from the shower) That....was painful…
Akuma: (no response)
Umei: (sigh)
   (Cell phone rings)
Akuma: (opens phone) Yeah, whadda ya want? Oh. Hi, Trowa.
Trowa: You failed.
Akuma: You never mentioned ‘D’ Battery ‘brow power’!!
Trowa: You never asked.
Akuma: I’m not in the mood for your games. Talk to Umei. (throws Umei the phone)
Umei: Moshimoshi? Oh. Hi, Trowa-kun.
Trowa: You failed.
Umei: Give us some more time. It’s not that easy.
Trowa: Fine. You have one more chance. We’re paying you people…
Umei: Alright! Alright! (hangs up phone)
Akuma: ……so?
Umei: We only have once more chance to get rid of twiggy eyebrow lady.
Akuma: (sigh)
(Well you can probably guess…)

Umei: (searching in Bag-o-Stuff)
Akuma: How I let you convince me to go for this again is beyond my thinking at the moment…(rubs temples)
Umei: (pulls out a pair of body suits)
Akuma: (groans and puts it over her mission outfit)
Umei: They’re rubber so when she uses the “Power of the Brow” it’s won’t hurt us…too much.
Akuma: Cool! But how will we get rid of her? She has an evil sword. It’s almost vorpal.
Umei: (mouthing) …vorpal…? (louder) We have to destroy her power supply. The eyebrow supply power to the ‘D’ battery…if we could get rid of her brows…
Akuma: The vorpal sword…
Umei: Erm…yeah… Once we get inside the house, we can launch the attack!
Akuma: Vorpal…
Umei: Um…yeah...

(At Doooorothy’s long trip away home in the middle of nowhere, meaning no civilization what so ever)

Akuma: 1…2…3!! (they storm into the house and run around looking for Dorothy)
Umei: Where is she?!
   (Suddenly they see ankle long blonde hair whip out of nowhere and trip them. Both go crashing to the floor)
Akuma/Umei: …ow…
   (They look up to see Dorothy above them holding the battery and the jumper cables on the eyebrows)
Dorothy: Ah! Welcome honoured visitors! Would you like some tea, cookies or…FRIED CHICKEN?!?!? (shocks them)
Akuma/Umei: AAAHHHHH!!! (fake screaming) AAHHH!!! (fall to the ground and go possum)
Dorothy: (starts laughing) And now…for the prize! I shall cut your head off and mount it on my wall of ‘Killed People’! (raises sword to hack Umei’s head off)
Akuma: VORPAL!!!
Dorothy: (gets knocked over by the sonic blast)
Umei: Bag…-o-…Stuff…(gets up and gets the bag)
Akuma: (jumps on Dorothy and rips off the cables) Quick Umei!! (throws battery to the side) The electric razor!
Umei: (Snatches it out of her bag tosses her the razor)
Akuma: (starts to sloooowly shave off her eyebrows)
Dorothy: (screaming bloody murder the whole time. After a while she fainted from what she claims to be ‘the pain’)
Umei: E-heeheehee!! 500,000 credits here I come! (jumps up and down)
Akuma: (loading Dorothy in a plastic body bag into the van) You can help ya know! (hands her a bomb) Place it in the house.
Umei: (does so then runs and jumps into the van)
(The two take off and zoom like no tomorrow down the road)

KERSHPLODE!!!!


(La, la, la! The house explodes and Dorothy is buried next to Relena. We still are not sure about what happened to Hilde.)

(Akuma: That’s 3 out of 5 ladies and gents! You’ll soon see who we will be attacking next! I’ll start typing more once Umei-chan gets this up! By the way! There is going to be a special tiny Sailor Moon like ficcy I’m going to type up that I got from an RPG not too long ago!)

Stay tuned for the next episode! Remember, flames will only be used to heat our poor rooms and feed the fire on those cold, lonely nights…{snaps into reality} Of course you’d never wanna flame us so! If you feel the need to comment, E-mail us. I think Umei will put them up or something!
    Ja’ne minna-san!

   (This Fiction was brought to you by Hoshimasurao no Umei and Kodomo wa Akuma! More to come come come!!)

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