The Anti-Hilde Story!
(Written by: Umei Hoshimasurao and Akuma Kodomo)

Warnings: Lots and lots of Hilde bashing! Not for Pro-Hilde scum! We don’t own GW and the cute G-boys…sadly… Oh yeah, there's Yaoi and some crossdressing (nothing BAD though..) And... did we mention lot's more Hirde - *COUGH* I MEAN - HILDE bashing??

(The apartment on the L2 colony sector)

Hilde: “Duo, I got some tomatoes for you!”
Duo: “Um…yeah…sure…”
Hilde: “I also took the liberty of buying you some more shampoo and pink underwear!”
Duo: (squirms) “Um…’kay…thanks?”
Hilde: (drool escaping from mouth) “Duo…”
Duo: “Tissue?” (hands her a Kleenex box)
Hilde: “Duo…I have decided that I love you too and I want to have rough and wild monkey sex with you all night long!” (AN1: *cough*) (AN2: Um…)
Duo: (Grabs the keys to his Gundam and flees to the nearest colony like a bat outta hell)

Duo: “Oh…my…Gundam. That almost gave me a heart attack!” (He parks his Gundam and looks in his pocket for the address on that lil' card thingy) “Ah hah! Here it is!” (He nods, shoves it back in his pocket and get out of his Gundam)

(He is about ten feet away from his Gundam when a shopping cart beings to sloooowly ride towards his machine. Duo turns around and throws himself at the shopping cart, tackling it away from his precious machine) (AN1: Some people just love their Gundams…)
Duo: (Groans and ignores the stares he’s getting from the people)

***At a really secret building***

Duo: “Yo? Hello?”
Person1: “Huh? Ah! Konnichiwa Duo-chan!”
Person2: “Hey there, Duo!”
Duo: “Uh…hi guys. (Waves to the “secret people”)
Person1: “Come in, come in!” (Flings Duo onto the couch)
Person2: “Want one?” (Offers him a cig)
Duo: “Not thanks, man.”
Person2: “More for me…” (Lights up)
Person1: “So Duo…please tell us why seek our professional assistance.”
Duo: “Well…you see it’s like this…You know that girl Hilde…?”
(This continues on for a while.)
Person1: “I see your situation is a rare one. Never fear! My associate and I will get rid of this scum for good!”
Person2: “Ummm…he sorta doesn’t know our names…”
Person1: “Oh yeah… I’m Umei Hoshimasurao and this is Akuma Kodomo!”
Akuma: (Wiggles finger hello)
Umei: “Anyway…I guess we can get started now.” (Pulls out a mini PC and goggles pop out of her earrings)
Akuma: (groans) “Umei, we don’t need you “scientific” stuff. Just fly over to L-2 and blow her brains out!”
Umei: “That would be illogical…

(Blah, blah, blah…this goes on for a while)

Duo: (snoring on the couch)

***6 hours later***

Akuma: (Tries shoving Duo out the door) “Just go back to L-2 and we’ll take care of the rest!”
Duo: “But didn’t you hear what she said?!”
Umei: “We’ll send you our bill!” (Finally gets him out)

***Back at L-2 sector***

Hilde: “Oh Duo! I’m so happy your home!” (Launches herself at Duo the second he walks in)
Duo: (Twitch) “Um…” (Cringes as Hilde squeezes him)
(The lights flicker off)
Duo: “Um…Hilde, don’t do that.”
Hilde: “Duo, nobody’s around-”
Unknown voice: “Stop right there, Hilde Schpiker! (AN1: Erm…we didn’t know how to spell her name so…)
* Boom *
Duo: “Yow.”
* Whack *
Duo: “That had ta hurt…”
* Tha-boom! *
Duo: (Covers eyes)

(This continues for a while)

(The lights flicker on)
(After a lot a of ruckus, Hilde was dragged off in a potato sack by two peeps mysteriously dressed as ninjas)
Duo: “Uh…thanks!”
Ninja#1: (In a black Ninja fuku) “No prob!”
Ninja#2: (In a navy blue Ninja fuku) “We’re glad to assist you in the matter.” (looks around house) “Hey, you got any pocky?”
Duo: * sweatdropping * “Um…I dunno…Hilde did all the shopping.”
Ninjas: (Shrug)

(Later…)

Duo: (Playing edited Tomb Raider game ((AN1: Grrrr…Only I am worthy of Lara Croft!))
(Suddenly, the door flies open and Hirde sprints into the apartment all shredded)
Hilde: “Duo, libre! Though you got rid of me, nein?” (Jumps in Duo’s lap)
Duo (Screeches) “Get off!” (Shoves her off and she falls to the floor)
Hilde: (Blinks) ((AN2: If you haven’t already figured out, she is mentally deprived.))
Duo: “Why are you not dead?!”
Hilde: (Blinks)
Duo: “Nooooooo!!” (Falls to knees)
Hilde: “Duo! Aishiteru!” (Puckers up lips)
Duo: “AHHHHHH!!!” (Being so traumatized, he jumps out a nearby window)
Hilde: “Duuuuuuuuuu *gasp * ooooooooooooooooo!!!” (Leans out window screaming)
Duo: (Praying she won’t see him, he barely hangs onto the sill)
Hilde: (Stamps foot causing Duo to lose his grip and being plummeting to the ground)
Duo: (falling to the ground)

(A motorcycle zooms out under him and saved his cute lil’ life)
Black fuku dude: "Sorry ‘bout the incontinence with Hirde. She sorta outsmarted us." ((AN2: HOW!?!?!?!))
Duo: "What do I pay you for?!"
Black fuku dude: "Silence!" (Drives to secret L-2 base)

Duo & Black fuku dude: (See Umei sitting on the couch inhaling pocky)
Akuma: (Pulls off her fuku to reveal a black Lara Croft catsuit)
Umei: (Ignores and is still eating pocky)
Akuma: "I saved his life…you could hear that girly scream on Earth."
Duo: "Hey-!"
Akuma: "Silence!" (Slaps Duo away)
Duo: (Launches himself at Akuma but Umei grabs his 3 foot braid and holds him back…all while eating the pocky)
Akuma: (Once again lights up a cig) "You know…It wasn’t our fault she got away."
Umei: "Yes…but since we love you so much, we’ll give it another shot. This time I have a foolproof plan!" ^.~ (Those goggles once again pop out of her earrings and does a bio-scan of Duo’s body) ((AN2: *Chokes on Doritos* Must repel evil thoughts…must repel evil thoughts…))
Akuma: (Still smoking a cig)
Duo: (Nervously twitching as Umei scannes him) ((AN2: Lucky baka…))
Umei: (Begins typing on computer) "Yes…uh huh…I see… I know the best way!" (Closes compudora) Akuma, you will dress up as Duo!"
Akuma: *_* (Chokes on the cigarette smoke and goes into a coughing fit)
Duo: (Goes into a laughing fit)
Akuma: (All red-faced) "Nani yo!?"
Umei: "Hai! With your long hair and, well, masculine build, you’ll be the perfect Duo!"
Akuma: "But…but…"
Umei: "No buts! This is the way it has to be!" (Shoves a bunch of EW copy clothes into Akuma’s hands)
Akuma: "INJUSTICE!!!" (She screames just before Duo stuffes her in the closet)
Umei: (A hand on her chin) "She’ll probably kill me for this…"
Duo: "Better you than me."
(Banging and screaming can be heard from the closet)
Umei/Duo: (sweatdrops)

(Akuma emerges dresses in the red shirt, leather pants and coat)
Akuma: "I can’t…walk…ARGH!!!" (Falls over) "How the hell do you walk in these things?!"
Duo: (Scratches head) "Well, they’re better than Trowa’s shoes."
Akuma: "Omae o korosu, Umei!" (Gets up and sways)
Umei: (Blinks) "'Kay… Now, tomorrow evening you’ll go up to Hilde and ask her out as Duo."
Akuma: "Ack! No way! I’m not yuri! (Races to the door)
Umei: (Grabs her by the collar) "Not yet!"
Duo: "In any case, I’m going to Heero’s apartment. You ladies have fun!" (Waves and races out the door)

(The Next Evening!)

Umei: "I’m almost done." (Finishing up Akuma’s braid)
Akuma: "But I have blonde hair! Duo’s is brown! I’ll never pass for him!" (Twitch)
Umei: "That’s what this is for!" (Whips out from the bag-o-stuff - temporary hair color)
Akuma: (Loud groan)
Umei: "C’mon, it’s not that bad…"
Akuma: "Easy for you to say!"

(Sometime Later…)

(After Umei braided and coloured Akuma's hair…)

Akuma: (Still screaming at the top of her lungs)
Umei: (Ears covered) "I’m sorry! I did know that could happen!"
Akuma: "You said it was brown hairdye!"
Umei: "It was! Maybe we shoulda coloured it before we braided it…" (She stares blankly at Akuma’s half blonde, half brunette head)
Akuma: "ARGH!!!"
Umei: (Sighs)

(Later...)

(In front of Hilde’s house)

Umei: "She’ll never notice!"
Akuma: "Of course she will!"
Umei: "She’s a total baka! How will that moron realize that you’re not Duo?"
Akuma: (Only points to head)
Umei: (Sweatdrops)

Hilde: (Opens door)
Akuma: (With a handful of marigold) "Hi Hilde." ((AN1: Marigold?!)) ((AN2: Of course!))
Umei: (Watching from the bush bellow) "C’mon Akuma you can do this…"
Hilde: "Oh, Duo! I knew you’d come back to me!"
Akuma: "Er…uh…um..."
Hilde: "DUO!"
Akuma: (Thinking) Kami, do I feel bad for him…
(Hilde grabs Akuma and slams the door)
Umei: "Kisama!" (Jumps up and races to nearby window. Taps earrings and goggles appear scanning the house) "Where are you…?"

(Meanwhile…)

Akuma: "Look, I don’t think you quite understand-"
Hilde: "Sure I do! You’re playing hard to get!"
Akuma: (Sweatdrops) "I-am-not-Duo…!"
Hilde: "Oh, Duo-kun! You’re so funny!"
Akuma: (growls)
Hilde: "DUUUUOOOOOOOOOO (gasp) OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
(Window that Umei’s at shatters)
Hilde: "-OOOOOOOOOO…OOOooooo *gasp* OOOOOOO-"
Akuma: "Stop! Bakayaro!" (Grabs Hilde and smothers her face with a pillow)
Hilde: "Mph! Mft!"

(Outside...)
Umei: "I...itai..." (Stands up and brushes glass off) "Good thing I was wearing my goggles..." (Sighs)

(Inside…)
Akuma: "Oh my Gundam…"
Hilde: "Well Duo, what did you want to tell me?" (Taps foot)
Akuma: "Uh…erm…uh…" (Sweatdrop) "It’s like this…uh…" (Another sweatdrop) "Will you go out with me?"
Hilde: "Oh, Duo! Yes! Yes!" (Throws arms over Akuma’s neck)
Akuma: "Erm…when?" (Tries not to gag)
Hilde: (Lets go) Didja do something to your hair? (Grabs Akuma’s braid)
Akuma: "Ummm... I dyed it just for our...um...date...?"
Hilde: "Oh…you’re asking me out on a date?? I love you too!" ((AN1: Wait a minute! Didn’t Akuma ask this already?)) ((AN2: Must I remind you that this is Hilde we’re talking about here?))
Akuma: "How’s 9:30?"
Hilde: "Make it 9:00!" (Hearts in eyes)
Akuma: "It’s 8:00 now so…"
Hilde: (Races like lighting to her room)
Akuma: (Slaps forehead) "Kami…what have I gotten myself into?!" (Stomps over to shattered window) "UMEI!!!"
Umei: (Looks up with swirly eyes) "Hai?" (Sways)
Akuma: "Now I’m stuck on a date with her!!"
Umei: "All the better! Now for part ‘B’ of our plan!" (Grins and falls over)

(It struck 9:30 and Akuma was still dreading the Hilde appearance)
Akuma: (Lounging on the couch talking to a bunny crack in the ceiling)
Hilde: (Bursts out of her room) "Well?" (Uh…a very revealing outfit donned. A Sailor Moon mini-skirt and scaringly small tank-top) ((AN1: It took her that long to put that on?!)) ((AN2: Maybe she didn’t know how to buckle her shoes. This is Hilde after all…))
Akuma: (Falls off couch)
Hilde: "Great! C’mon or we’re going to be late!" (Grabs Akuma’s hand and drags her outside)
Umei: (Sees them coming and dives back into the bushes)
Hilde: "Wow! Since when did you get a motorcycle?" (Jumps up and down like a baka)

Umei: (Talking to Akuma via transmitter in her ear) "So where are you taking her?"
Akuma: (Ignoring Hilde’s ravings) "I’ll just drive around until you find me a place!"
Hilde: "Oh Duo! I love you!" (Jumps up in the air aiming for Akuma; but Akuma just casually steps to the side, letting her fall to the pavement)
Akuma: "Well? Where the hell…?"
Umei: "Got it! The Evangalion Restaurant!"
Akuma: "I don’t have that many credits! That place is too friggin’ expensive! She doesn’t even deserve Wendy’s!"
Hilde: "Come on, Duo!" (Yanking on Akuma’s arm)
Akuma: "Yeah, yeah, I’m movin’!" (She gets on the bike and Hilde jumps on behind her)
Hilde: "Wow! This is so exciting!" (Clutching Akuma’s waist) "Gee! Didja lose weight?"
Akuma: "Uh… yeah? I was in DeathScythe and didn’t fit in the seat so I need to lose some pounds?" (Carefully loosening the death grip on her waist and started up the bike)
Hilde: "Now don’t go too fast! You don’t want me to fall off, now do you?"
Akuma: "Oh, of course not!" (Akuma smirks and goes off 190 miles an hour)
Hilde: "Ack!" (Falls off motorcycle on her butt with an “Oof!”)
Akuma: (Looks back)
Umei: (On the transmitter) "What in the hell are you doing?!"
Akuma: "Heeheehee…um…oops?" (She slowly turns the bike around and comes straight at her!)
Umei: "Akuma, we’re not through with the plan!"
Akuma: (Grunts and stops 5mm in front of Hilde)
Hilde: "Duo! You came back!" (Stares at the tire in her face)
Akuma: (Grunt) "Yeah… How could I ever leave someone like you?" (Heaves Hilde back onto the bike and they speed off to the Evangalion (which is ever so conveniently near the bridge).)

(In The Evangalion Restaurant…)

Hilde: (Bouncing up and down in the seat) "Oh, this is soooo romantic!"
Akuma: (Rolls eyes and swears vengeance on Umei’s soul) "Yeah…"

(Hilde orders the most expensive thing on the menu and Akuma’s eyes bug out at the price)
Akuma: "Eh!" (Shoves the bill in her pocket; meaning to send it to Umei)
Umei: (Thru ear mic.) "Get her as stoned as possible! She’ll sink faster that way!"
Akuma: (Grumbles) "Yeah, whatever…" (Calls the waiter and orders a bottle of wine and a bottle of scotch)
Hilde: "You won’t drink wine with me?" (Pours herself a glass)
Akuma: (Looks up and Hilde and begins to down the entire scotch)
Umei: (In a hoarse whisper) "Since when did you become and alcoholic?"

Akuma: (Puts down bottle for a second, gives Hilde another glance, and begins to suck the bottle dry)

(Three hours later…)

(Hilde is drunk as a bum and laughing at…well…she’s laughing at something. Akuma’s head is on the table and the empty scotch in her hand)
Akuma: "Destroy…Umei…"
Hilde: "Come on, Duo! Let’s go outside! It’s so boring in here!" (Grabs up Akuma’s head (plastered to the table), and drags her outside)

Umei: (Is sitting in a News Van outside) "Ok, Akuma…lead her to the bridge where I will launch the attack!" (Taps earphone to make sure Akuma is getting this) (Pulls out magic bag-o-stuff)
Akuma: (Somehow pulls Hilde to the bridge, and begins to heave over the railing)
Umei: (Charges out of the van) "Aiiiiieeeeee!" (While running, pulls out a potato sack from the bag-o-stuff. She lunges at Hilde and throws the sack over her head)
Hilde: "Hmph! MLP MEEE! MUO!!!"
Akuma: (Looks over at the scene, blinks, and heaves back over the railing…and…um…yeah)
Umei: "Hold still!"
Hilde: "MPHHH!!"
Umei: (Finally ties up Hilde and chucks her in the van)
Akuma: (Finishes vomiting) "Does anyone have a breath mint?"
Umei: (Sighs) "Come on!" (Helps Akuma into the van)

(Somewhere on Earth…)

Umei: (By herself since Akuma has a really bad hangover) "Well, Hilde…I guess this is good bye."
Hilde: "Nien! Nien!" (Squirming in the sack)
Umei: "C-ya, Liebre!" (Kicks Hilde into the Mississippi River and watches her float down the stream) "Whoo hoo!"

(Back on the L-2 base…)

Akuma: "Kill…Umei…" (Groans as she lays on the couch with an ice pack to her head)
Duo: "Geez…a whole scotch, 3 packs of cigs and your still alive! I must say, I’m impressed!" (Hands her an Excedrin and a glass of water)
Akuma: "Yeah, you would be…" (Gulps it down)
Duo: (Cute, incoherent muttering)
Akuma: "I’m retiring…"

(Umei bursts in)
Duo: "Is she gone?" (Hides behind couch just in case)
Umei: "Yep! She’s gone!" ^.^v
Akuma: (Groans) "Blast you…!"
Umei: "Well, after that incident I believe your just two steps shy of becoming an alcoholic."
Akuma: (Raises a finger in the air) "One step! One…"
Umei: "Ya look like crap and a complete toilet bug!"
Duo: (Mouthing) "Toilet bug…?" O.o
Akuma: "I really wanna thank you on that vote of confidence…"
Umei: "No prob!"

Akuma: (Grunt) "Dammit! I have such a hangover! It not fair! Look at my hair! Who wants multi-coloured hair?" (Shoves a strand in Umei’s face)
Umei: "We can dye it back to blonde, ya know."
Duo: "I really hate to interrupt you, but there’s someone at the door."
(They were so caught up in fighting that they didn’t even hear the doorbell)

Umei: "I got it!" (Races to the door) "I got it!!"
Akuma/Duo: (Blink)
Umei: "Heero! Come in!"
(The infamous Heero Yuy walks inside)
Umei: "So, what bring you to our humble hideaway?"
Heero: "I heard on the news of people floating around in the Mississippi River. I thought you two would have been involved in something like that so I came here."
Akuma: "Hilde."
(Just the name sent a chill thru the air)
Heero: (Only nods)
Umei: "So, what'cha wanted to ask, Hee-chan?"
Heero: (Stares at Duo)
Duo: (Stares at Heero)
Umei: (Stares at the two as they stare at each other)
Akuma: (Stares at Umei as she stares at the other two)
[Pause]

“……” “…….” “………….” “……”

(A shrill, bone-chilling voice came from the door-)
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO (gasp) OOOOOOOOOO!!! I’m right behind the door so come and KILL me!!!"
Heero: "Kisama! (Ducks behind the couch)
Akuma: (Grabs head and groans)
Umei: (Locks herself in the bathroom)
Duo: (Jumps behind the couch with Heero)

(Relena bursts through the door screaming at the top of her lungs)
Relena: "HEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Akuma: "SHADDUP!!! I have a very, very bad hang over! I’m not in the mood!" (Chucks the ice-pack at Ririna's (Relena's) head)
(The ice-pack whacks Relena in the head but since there’s nothing in there anyways…)

Heero: "I came here to get away from her!"
Duo: (Shivering) "Ask them! I wanna go home!" (Begins crying and latches onto Heero)
Umei: (Bangs head against the bathroom wall)
Akuma: "Get out!"
Relena: "Who are you? And what are you doing with my Heero?!"
Akuma: (Jumps up) "I’m Akuma and I’m going to kill you now!"
Relena: (Shoves Akuma out of the away and jumps behind the couch, attacking Heero)
Duo: "Hey! He’s mine!" (Pulls Relena off the screaming Heero)
Heero: (Makes a break for the door)
Umei: (Runs out of the bathroom, catching Hee-chan by the collar) "Not yet!"
Akuma: (Grabs Ririna by her hair and shoves her out the door. She whips out her trusty lighter and places under the doorknob)
Umei: "Akuma! No time to be smoking right now!" (Says while trying to keep Heero from blowing his head off)
Akuma: "I’m not. Watch… (Holds the lighter longer under the knob)

(We hear Relena fruitlessly pound on the door) ((AN1: Not smart enough to use the doorknob, eh?)) (Finally we see the knob turn and-)
Relena: "Aiiiiieeeeee!"
Akuma: "Heh heh heh heh heh heh…"
Umei: (Sits Heero down on the couch and dumps Duo next to him, who once again grabbed his waist and began crying)
Heero: "Gerroff! Baka!"
Akuma: (Faints from over working)
Umei: (Runs up and catches her just before Akuma hits the floor)

(The Next Morning…)

Heero: "…So that’s why I came here. You must get rid of Relena Peacecraft! She ruins my life!" (Explains this while trying to keep Duo from sucking his face off)
Akuma: (Smoking) "Well then, let’s get down to business!" (Takes out a pen and paper) "We charge by what you want. You know…body disposal, poisoning, shooting, strangling, spontaneous combustion…"

(Blah, blah, blah…oh, 3 hours later…)

(Duo is asleep on Heero’s lap and Akuma and Umei are trying to figure out a plan)
Umei: "Right! Relena Peacecreep is as good as dead!"
Heero: "I leave it all in your hands. Call me when it’s over." (Picks up Duo and goes back home to the L1 colony sector)
Umei and Akuma: "Mission…accepted!"

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