The Anti-Relena Story!
By: Akuma Kodomo & Umei Hoshimasurao

Warnings: Lots and lots of blissful Relena bashing! Uh…violence, cross-dressing, some yaoi content, I think and um…oh yeah! Did we mention Relena bashing?

Disclaimer: We don’t own the G-boys or anyone related to Gundam Wing. The lucky slobs do, and we don’t claim anything, other than the story, to be ours.

(Umei and Akuma are sitting in a red-lighted room talking…about…stuff…)
Akuma: "So, we just disguise someone as Heero and lure them as bait for the trap."
Umei: "Who’s gonna be the bait?"
Akuma: (Smirks)

(Well, after much debate, lots of arguing, screaming, running, hair gel, and Heero EW clothes; our two beloved characters appear to us… and Umei looks like Heero)
Akuma: (Admiring her handiwork) "You truly do look like the Perfect Soldier!"
Umei: (Using the Classic Patented Heero Yuy Death Glare(tm)) "Hn."
Akuma: "And you sound like him, too! This was a brilliant plan! Glad I though of it!"
Umei: "YOU?!"

(Later…)

(Umei is standing outside the Hideaway)
Umei: (Gulp) "R…Relena…my…" (Takes a breath) "Beloved…s-stalker…?"
Akuma: (Is laughing in the background) "Feel the torture!"

((Out of nowhere, Relena runs through the bushes and lunges at Umei))
Umei: "Eep!"

((Relena crashes into Umei, grabs her by the jacket and keeps running))
Umei: "Mommy!!!"
Relena: "HEEROOOO!" (And off they went)

(Inside Relena’s Mansion…)

Umei: (Struggling against the ropes tying her to the chair)
Relena: "Oh Heero! I knew you cared!"
Umei: "No! NO!! I don’t care! Kisamaaaaa!"
Akuma: (Thru earphone) "Heh heh heh! Feel the pain!"
Umei: "Omae o korosu, Akuma!"
Relena: "Akuma?! Heero! Have you been unfaithful to me?!"
Umei: "Hai! I have been unfaithful! Lemme go! NOW!!!"
Relena: (Goes into an earsplitting Usagi wail)
Akuma: "Gah!" (Rips off headphones)
Umei: "Ok! Stop! I was just kidding! Relena…I…I …l-like you…" (Tries to hold back tears)
Relena: (Wipes eyes) "Really…?"
Umei: (Low voice) "no…" (louder) "Uh huh! And…and…and I want to uh…to uh…"
Akuma: "Take her to the circus!"
Umei: "Take you to the circus!"
Relena: "Yay! " (Waves arms) "I love the circus!"
Umei: (Quietly) "Yeah, and you belong in one too…" (Louder) "Sugoi!"

(At the Circus…)

(Umei and Relena are sitting in the stands at the circus. Relena is jabbering away while Umei rocks herself and mutters)
Ringmaster: "And now for our final performance, we have…Trowa Barton!"

(Trowa comes out in his suspenders and half mask and does some circus act)
Relena: Yay! (Claps hands) "This should be fun!"
Umei: (Buried her face in her hands and talks quietly to Akuma) "Are we ready…?"
Akuma: "Affirmative!"
Relena: "Yay!" (Gets whack in the back of the head by some unknown force)
Umei: (Whistles innocently and puts the rolled up newspaper in her pocket)
Relena: "YAY!!!" (Eardrum shattering scream)

(Catherine comes out and does some knife throwing act with Tro-chan)
Umei: (Seriously considering suicide)
Relena: "YAY!!!"
Umei: (Goes ZERO) …………. (Insert evil ZERO Glare here) …………. (Jumps down from the stands and snatches away Trowa’s knife) Kah-heeheeheehee! Oh mighty Shinigami! I’m coming to join you!"
Akuma: "Kisama!" (Runs out of the shadows, grabs Umei from the set and keeps running-disappearing back into the shadows) "What’s the matter with you?!"
Umei: (Swirly eyes) "S-s-s-stop! No more R-Relena! Waaaahhhhhh!" (Usagi wail)
Akuma: (Slaps her silly) "Don’t be a weakling!"
Umei: "Itai! That hurt!"
Akuma: "It was supposed to!"
Umei: "Waaaahhhhhh! You’re mean!"
(This continues for a while…)

Trowa: "You sure she’ll be ok?"
Akuma: "Yeah, this happens-"
Umei: "Waaaahhhhhh!"
Catherine: If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to slit your throat with my knives!"
Umei: "Please DO! That traumatic experience has scarred me for life!"
Akuma: "Umei, stop being a woos!"
Umei/Trowa/Catherine: "woos…?"
Akuma: (sighs)

(An Hour Later…)

News guy on TV: And no one seems to know what caused the sudden death of the Vice Foreign Minister Relena Dorlain…
Heero: (turns off TV) "Well, I guess I should send them their paycheck…"

(……)

Umei: "She died of a broken heart." ^.-v
Akuma: "Yep, cuz “Heero” left her…heeheehee."
Umei: "If she’d only known…"

(At some graveyard in NYC, next to the Houdini Statue with the broken finger pointing at the sky that now looks like a fist)

"ARGH!!!" (The ground began to turn up) "How dare he use me!?!?!?!"
(Relena…? Um…walks out of her grave and began to head where her nose lead her…)

(At Heero and Duo’s Apartment on the L1 colony sector)

Heero: "…and then the body was dumped." (He relayed the story to Duo)
Duo: "Wow…" (Staring dreamily at Heero)
Heero: "Um…I’m going to get some coffee." (Slowly gets up)
Duo: "Oh no you don’t!" (Drags Heero back onto the couch)

(Suddenly the door flies off it’s hinges and a soiled and torn Relena bursts in)
Relena: "Heero?! Have you been unfaithful to me?!"
Heero: "Gah!" (shoves Duo off him and races to the kitchen screaming)
Duo: "NO!!! The witch is back!!!" (Once again dives out the window)
(AN1: Won’t bother to tell ya what’s happening to him. He just uses that little helicopter-scythe thingy.)

Heero: (Goes after Relena with a pair of scissors he got from a drawer in the kitchen) "DIE!!!"
Relena: (Knocks them out of his hands and hugs Heero) "Heero! My one true love!"
Heero: "KAMI!!! Get off!"
Relena: "Heero…I know you love me anyway!"
Heero: "Let me GO!"
Relena: "Anything for you! (Lets him go like the moron that she is)
Heero: (Runs)
Relena: HEEEEEEERRRRRRRROOOOOO (gasp) OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Heero: (Jumps out the window after Duo)
Duo: "Hee-chan!" (Catches him as he falls and the two slowly make their way to the ground)

(Later at a phone booth…)

Heero: "Umei, Akuma-no-bakayaros!!! You said she was dead!!!"
Umei: (With the phone somewhat feet from her face) "She was! We poked her with a stick for Shinigami’s sake!!"
Heero: "She’s alive and WELL!! She’s out to get me!!! OMAE O KOROSU!!!"
Akuma: (Rips phone from Umei’s hands) "Listen, Heero! We did our job and you paid us! Another time getting rid of a dead corpse you’ll have to pay us double!!"
Heero: "DOUBLE?! OMAE O KOROSU!!!"
Akuma: "Take it or leave it!"
Heero: (Mumbles a few things not appropriate for this fic) "Fine! Get your asses over here and finish the job!" (Slams the phone back into the cradle)
Akuma: "Umei, get your things. We have another job to do."

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