Warning: Plenty of Relena bashing! Assassination, poking with sticks, window jumping, bombing and lots of Relena bashing! This is totally OOC so don’t go nuts of something isn’t the way it should be! Um…oh yeah, some cute yaoi content!

Akuma: So, who should be the bait?

Umei: Not me! (throwing stuff in Magic Bag o Stuff)

Akuma: Not after the Hilde incident will I ever be bait again…

Umei: (shrugs)

Akuma: How’s about Q-man? He’s got mad ties with the pacifist counsel! He can get us into any meeting!

Umei: (ponders for a bit) You know…he is rather easy to convince. I think it just might work!

Akuma: Problem…how will we get into the Gundam house? He never met us and Rashid won’t let us in.

Umei: There’s one bump in the road. Maybe a sneak could be arranged?

Akuma: I’ll get the grappling gun!

(On top of the Gundam House…)

Umei: This is Blue Merc! I’m on top of the glass roof! (Umei said into her head phone)

Akuma: Roger that Blue Merc, Hell Fire is in position at the music room window.

Umei: We can use our glasscutters to infiltrate the building. (she took out a marker-shaped black object with a diamond on the tip)

Akuma: Umei! You don’t know how to use that! (remembered when she cut out a circle in her window)

(The next thing you here is a large crashing sound and a stream of curses in a different number of languages)

Umei: Shit! K’so! Kisama! Dammit!

Akuma: (sweatdrops) Easy...oh this is going to suck so badly...(goes over to the van parked in the bushes)

(Surprisingly, no one responds to the crash)

Umei: Crap! Katabre! Masaka! Fu-

Akuma: That’s enough! Just get inside the building! (returns carrying a squirming bag over her shoulder)

Umei: Right! (ties a harness around her waist and begins to lower herself down)

Akuma: (dumps the sack into the house when she remembers again) Umei! I forgot to teach you how to use that thing!

(We hear a scream, then a thump and another river of curses)

Akuma: (runs up to Umei holding the bag)

(Umei is laying facedown on the ground, the rope coiled over her. Did we mention she fell on the glass she broke before?)

Akuma: Umei-chan…? Ya ok man?

Umei: Hnrrrr…(slowly gets up and glares at Akuma)

Akuma: A-heh…

Umei: (turns around and begins to scan the house with her goggles)

Akuma: Find out where he is?

Umei: Yeah…the library. What the hell is that thing? (points to the moving sack)

Akuma: The bribe. (pats the sack)

(In the Library…)

(Quatre Raberba Winner is sitting in the Library reading a book and drinking tea)

Quatre: My this is a good book…

(Suddenly a rag in thrown over his mouth and he is quickly tied to the chair)

Akuma: Shhh! (places a finger on her lips) Quiet!

Umei: (finishes tying him down? Shouting won’t work. These rooms are soundproof and you didn’t put any windows in here either.

Akuma: (dumps the potato sack in the seat in front of Quatre) We came here to ask for your help. I know this wrong but this is the only way! (pulls the sack off the reveal a gagged and tied-up Trowa)

Umei: Now…let’s get down to business shall we? (sits on the arm of the chair next to Trowa) Akuma…if you please?

Akuma: (smirks and unsheathes a really big dagger. She walks behind Trowa and places the knife at his throat)

Umei: Right…You, Quatre Raberba Winner will get us into the Peace Conference scheduled to take place tomorrow. Take us to the West balcony window where we may assassinate Relena Dorlain.

Akuma: Failure to comply will cause you koi here to get nicked. (flicks dagger at his throat)

Umei: Do we have an understanding Mr. Winner? (pats Trowa on the head)

Quatre: Mph…(a single tear rolls down his cheek)

Umei: Huh. (removes the gag)

Quatre: …Trowa…Ok! I’ll do it just don’t hurt my Trowa!

Akuma/Umei: (blink)

Umei: (removes Trowa’s gag)

Trowa: You moron! Do you know how close I was to dying?! You just had to agree, didn’t you?

Quatre: But I couldn’t just let you die!

Trowa: …… … …. ………!

Quatre: Oh Trowa! I knew you would understand!

Umei: (blink) Did he say something?

Akuma: (blink)

Trowa: ……! ………. …. ….?

Quatre: Yes I understand! Of course!

Umei/Akuma: What did he say?!

Quatre: Nothing…

Akuma/Umei: (slap their foreheads)

Umei: Any questions?

Quatre: Don’t I know you two? Because I could swear I heard Duo talking about two girls-

Umei: SILENCE!!!

Akuma: Fine. We’ll let you go now. You have a day to get ready the arrangement for us to get into the Conference. (they untie the two boys)

Trowa: My little one! (They hug)

Umei: Um…yeah…Akuma let’s go…! (drags Akuma out of the room)

(Press Conference…)

(Relena amazingly remembered the Conference! She’s wearing that stupid pink suit, and those stupid white shoes and the stupid- (AN2: Shaddup!))

Relena: …And so we must fight for what we believe in, but not using violence! Because if we don’t things will get really, really, bad and people will die. But we can’t use violence!

(The dudes at the Conference are blinking and wondering what the hell she is jabbering about)

(Akuma and Umei are stationed on the balcony. Umei is using her mini PC to figure out the best angle to take out Dorlain)

Akuma: What in Shinigami’s name is she babbling about?

Umei: …OK…You can get the best shot from the West balcony like I suspected. Here you go! (hands Akuma an Heckler & Koch sniper rifle)

Akuma: Well, let’s go woman!

(At the West balcony Akuma leans the barrel on the railing and takes a deep breath. Placing her eye to the scope, she lines up the cross hairs right on Relena’s head) Heh heh heh! She’ll wish she never got up from the grave! (places finger on the trigger)

(For the continuing of this fic and for just all Hell’s worth, Relena looks up at the window) (AN1: You baka! WHY does she look up at the window?! It makes no sense!) (AN2: Sure it does! She was mindlessly looking up, thinking about Heero while the Conference dudes pondered on what she was babbling about!) (AN1: We’re not turning her into Tuxedo Mask! She’s going to DIE!) (AN2: Well I’m writing now, and I say she looks up!) (AN1: *sigh*)

Relena: Oh, wow! We have some visitors! (she waves to Akuma and Umei)

Some Random Guy Named Bob: Ms. Dorlain! They’re going to try and kill you! Get down! Get down! RUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!! (screams)

Umei/Akuma: …)_( …U_U0

Bob: Vice Foreign Minister Dorlain, run! DUCK! Do SOMETHING!!!

Some person: Oh, Shaddup! (whacks Bob and waves to Akuma and Umei)

Bob: Uh…oh…pretty colours! @_@*

Umei: Shall we continue? (turns to writer) (writer nods briefly)

Akuma: (aims again at Relena)

(so intense!)

(Akuma slowly puts her finger on the trigger and one pull and-)

Some Random Guy Named Ralf: Look out Ms. Vice Foreign Minister Dorlain!

Akuma: (growls and throws down the rifle) I can’t take this! Is she gonna die or what?! (writer sweatdrops)

(Out of the blue (or out of plain boredom) Catherine Bloom runs in and stabs all the random people keeping us from killing Relena-then jumps out the window)

Catherine: BUNZAAAAAI I I I I I I!

Umei: Thank you writer person! (smiles)

Writer: ^.-v

(Quatre runs into the room)

Q-man: My fellow people! Why are we fighting? We must bond together to-

(Back on the balcony…)

Akuma: What the Hell?!

(Someone taps Umei on the shoulder)

Umei: Nani yo, Akuma-san? (waves hand away)

(Tap, poke)

Umei: WHAT?! (yells at Akuma)

Akuma: I didn’t do ANYTHING!!

Umei: Then who was poking me?!

(Akuma and Umei slowly turn around)

Akuma/Umei: AAHHHHHHHHHH!!! How’d you get up here?!

(Lo and behold, it was Relena)

Relena: What’re you doing up here? You can come down! No need to use a Heero entrance!

(Umei jumps into Akuma’s arms screaming)

Akuma: AH! (losses balance and falls through the skylight window) (AN1: What skylight window? They were on the West balcony!)

(As they fall the harness they used got caught on a hook in the wall, suspending them above the room)

Umei: (Serena scream) We have a long drop! I don’t wanna die!

Akuma: Be a woman! Don’t be weak!

Umei: (The harness begins to slip) It was nice knowing you Akuma!!

Akuma: Wait! What about your bag o stuff?!

Umei: (with one hand holding the harness she uses her other to pull out her hammerspace the bag o stuff)

Umei: (somehow get it open) Here! (hands Akuma the helicopter scythe thingy)

Akuma: (falls with a somewhat soft landing, landing on the Conference table)

Umei: …I was not paid for that…

Akuma: Don’t be such a baby!

Quatre: (still talking to the dead people) My! You look a little pale, sir! (pokes the guy with a stick) Oh my Gundam! (gasps) He’s dead! (runs out of the room into Trowa’s arms)

Trowa: Come my little angel! Let us leave this dismal place! (picks up Quatre and places him on a horse. The he sits behind Q-man in that prince-running-away-with-princess style)

Quatre: Oh Trowa!

(They ride off into the sunset on a glowing white steed) (AN1: Whoa. Whoa.)

Umei: It…ai…(rolls off table)

Akuma: (fueled by rage, ran up the stairs to the balcony Relena was still standing) That screws it! Relena Peacecraft must not live! (runs up behind her and shoves Relena out the window)

Relena: Aiiiiieeeeee!

Umei: (jumps out of the way just before crashes to the floor)

Akuma: (Jumps down from the balcony? Is she dead?

Umei: (kicks her several time and feels her pulse) Yep! Good and dead!

Akuma: (sighs in relief) Let’s get the bomb in here! (Picks up Relena by her legs and Umei by her arms)

Umei: We’ll bury her in Ohio and blow the entire building! (throws Relena in the van and plants the bomb)

Akuma: Drive as fast as you can!

Umei: (takes off 95 miles an hour)

BOOOOOOM!!!

(Back at the Secret Base…)

Heero: 5…6…7…8 thousand credits! (slaps cash on the table angrily)

Umei: Arigatou! Nice doing business with you! (takes the money and begins counting)

Akuma: This is not going to be good news for Milliardo…

Umei: Do you know what Zechs will do to us if he finds out we murdered his baby sister?!

Heero: I don’t care! She’s out of my hair! You deal with Zechs! You got paid, be happy!

Akuma: (snarling) Dishonorable cur…

(Duo busts in the door)

Duo: Come on Heero-kun! You got what you needed, now pay attention to me! (pulls on his jacket)

Heero: Yeah whatever…

Duo: (begins to sniff air) Hey…(sniff) Do I smell…(sees a chocolate cake on the table) CAKE!!! (makes a dive for it)

Umei: Nooooooo! (grabs it away and Duo hits that table) My cake! I baked it! I eat it!

Duo: (tackles Umei and they get into that fight with the white cloud and stars)

Akuma/Heero: (Big sweatdrops)

Umei: Itai! That was my nose!

Duo: Leggo of my hair!

Heero/Akuma: (sweatdrops)

Umei: Baka Duo! (slap)

Duo: Woman! (smack)

Heero/Akuma: ……(Heero pulls Duo out by his hair) Bakayaro! (Akuma drags out Umei and pins her hands behind her back)

Umei: MY CAKE!!! Nooooooo-

Akuma: (clamps a hand over Umei’s mouth)

Duo: I’m going to destroy you! Shinigami will be back! Kisammmaaaaaaaa!

Heero: (slaps Duo cross the face) Shaddup! (drags Duo out the door by his collar)

(A Couple of Hours Later…)

(Heero and Duo come in for a visit)

Duo: Erm…Umei? Sorry about the...the...uh...attack. It’s a little thing I get around sugar.

Umei: No prob Duo-chan! ^_~v

Heero: We had nothing better to do. (AN2: Heero Yuy?! Socializing?! Injustice!)

Duo: Heeeeee-chan! Aren’t you going to thank them? They got rid of Relena!

Heero: No…I paid them…that’s thanks enough!

Duo: But Hee-chan! Don’t be like that!

Heero: ………

Duo: Fine! Just be happy I didn’t tell them about the time you had the perfect chance to kill Relena and didn’t!

Heero: (eyes snap open) ……!

Duo: …oops…

Akuma: (little flames glowing in eyes) You?! Had the perfect chance to kill her?! And didn’t?! (shrieking)

Umei: She went Zero! We have to let it run its course! (grabs Duo and races to the bathroom)

Heero: Let’s be reasonable here…itai! ARGH!!!

(Akuma grabs Heero by his nose and begins to mercilessly beat him over the head with a Richard Simmons doll)

Heero: Bakakiba yameku! (only making it worse)

Akuma: When I’m through with you, you’re going to be a vegetable!! (pound) What kind of vegetable would you like to be?! A tomato?! A pickle?! How about a zucchini?!

Heero: (swirly eyes)

Akuma: Yeah…I’m going to turn you into a zucchini!! How about it Mr. Perfect Soldier!!

(In the Bathroom…)

Duo: But she’s attacking my Heero! (trying to get out the door but Umei his holding him back by his braid. Knowing very well that if her interferes he’s going to get shaved bald)

Umei: This is for your own good! (takes out Gigantic Can Opener of Doom and whacks him over the head) Night Duo! (Places him in the tub and ties his braid to the faucet)

(Back at the Massacre…)

Heero: Pain…please…no more…

Akuma: I have something for you! (Takes out a freaky picture of Heero staring at Relena’s butt) (AN1: @_@) (AN2: Dude…)

Heero: (going into breathing spasms) N…no! Iie! Masaka!

Akuma: You weakling! You dare and go do this?!

(Back in the Bathroom…)

(Umei is pacing back and forth)

Umei: Think girl! Think! What does Akuma worship more that anything in the whole world? (relentlessly munching on Pocky) *lightbulb* Of course! Tomb Raider! (jumps out the window and runs to the nearest FYE (For your Entertainment) store)

(At the Heero Yuy #2 Assassination…)

Heero: Stop! STOP!!! Omae o korosu!

Akuma: Not if I get to you first!

(Umei rushes in holding a Playstation 5 and a Tomb Raider Next Era game)

Umei: Akuma! (hooks up the system to the big screen TV and turns it on)

Akuma: Tomb…Raider…(drops Richard Simmons doll and stumbles all zombie like to the console) Tomb…Raider…mmmmmmmmmm… (begins to play)

Heero: While she’s distracted…! (pulls out a gun and aims at Akuma’s head)

Umei: NO!!! (hits the gun away and slaps him silly) She’s in a fettle state right now! She’s harmless!

Heero: (reaches for his gun but Umei throws it out the window)

Umei: For your own good!

Heero: NO!!! My gun!! (pissed) My GUN! My pride and joy! Blast you!

Umei: Eep! (runs)

Heero: Omae o korosu! (chases)

(Meanwhile in the Bathroom...)

Duo: (wakes up) Oy…get the license plate number of that truck…(he tries to get up but finds his hair tied to the faucet) Kuso.

(Elsewhere…)

Akuma: DIE! DIE! DIE! (still playing Tomb Raider)

Heero: Get back! Omae o kor- (trips)

Umei: Come on! It was only a gun! Akuma has a whole closet full of them! I’ll let you have one! (runs into the kitchen and grabs a beer can)

Heero: B…b…b…beer!

Umei: That’s it! Come on! Beer! You like beer! (leads Heero out of the apartment)

Duo: (come out with his head a mess)

Umei: Here! (shoves a gun into Duo’s hands) Give him this once he’s done with the beer! (pushes him out and slams the door)

(Night Time…)

(Umei is asleep and Akuma is still playing the TR game. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door)

Akuma: (zombie-like voice) Come in…

(A shaken blond boy walks in. Umei wakes up and begins screaming at Akuma for letting anyone into the apartment)

Quatre: We shouldn’t be fighting at all! (covers ears)

(Akuma snaps out of her trance and looks at Quatre)

Umei: Quatre! What is it?

Quatre: Um…well…It’s Dorothy!

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