Welcome to W E B U S 's Jokes Page !
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?"Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? Is he using 4-letter words?"
"Yes mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand.
< p> He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Pilots generally leave a list of problems on the log sheets for maintenance crews. Maintenance workers fill out their responses after addressing the issue(s). Here is a list of some interesting records obtained from the Aircraft maintenance log sheets.
It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further unless you are sitting down ... OK? Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure we will be before I start to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. I guess that's it.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck."
These are actual statements taken from cards, letters and forms received by public assistance agencies.
1.I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had 7 but one died which was baptized on a sheet of paper.
2.I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
3.Mrs. Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?
5.I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
6.This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
7.Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can't do a thing until he knows.
8.I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
9.In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
10.I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
11.Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
12.My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.
13.You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
14.I have no children yet as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.
15.In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16.I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with a doctor for 2 weeks and he hasn't done me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor
17.(In response to the question, "Why have you applied for public assistance?") My husband left me last month and I am in need of ass.
18.Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Govt. conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phased plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c."... Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and komputer keyboards kan have 1 fewer letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgraseful, and it should go away.
p <> By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v."During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you ask her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
You know how most packages say "Open here"...What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?Encouraged by recent success, Pfizer's chairman announced that the company is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the men in today's society.
BUYAGRA - Men reported a sudden urge to buy their wives expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days.
NEO-SPORTIN - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system".
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
A newly married man asks his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Darling," the woman replies sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband smiled and said, "It really works!"
"Professor, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me", I told my professor. To which he replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. One co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second: marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man 'yearns' for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising livestock. So, I want to go into the "not raising livestock" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise livestock on, and what is the best breed of livestock not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how much livestock I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising livestock for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising livestock.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 animals, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 animals? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 animals not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these animals I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 animals I am not going to raise?
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
A texan was driving through in Vermont in one of those big chevy convertibles with huge longhorns on the hood. He had his big hat on along with his air of confidence and smugness. He stopped to talk to a local farmer sitting quietly on a fence by the side of the road.
"Howdy", said the Texan "Do you own this here land"?"Well I own a little piece of land in Texas too", says the Texan oozing with smugness. And let me tell you" he continues, " If I get into my truck in the morning and start driving in one direction, I do not reach the end of my land by sundown".
"Oh I can relate to that" replied the Vermonter, "I too had a truck like that once".The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand."Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deckof cards.""Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g."steady as she goes" or "she's listing to starboard Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you"
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as male. Their reasons are as follows:
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on."Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"
"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."
"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"
"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."
"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?""Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department.
"click"Q: What did Sardar Ji do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: He turned it over and used the other side.Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."