Quotes and Advice From Homer Simpson

anecdotes from the greatest television character ever created

-There's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.

-The three little sentences that will get you through life:
1. Cover for me.
2. Oh, good idea, Boss!
3. It was like that when I got here.

-If stuff starts flying, just turn your head!

-You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top.

-Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

-Its a crock, No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.. [Bart then says "Can't win, don't try"] }

-If something's hard to do then it's not worth doing

-[Getting out of jury duty] The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

-If something goes wrong...blame the guy who can't speak English.

-Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose -- it's how drunk you get.

-Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

-Everything looks bad if you remember it.

-When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

-The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else...

-Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.

-When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.

-Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds.They make ice, and... um... [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

-It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

-Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

-Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

-Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such

-Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't _have_ to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?

-Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

-All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

-Bart: These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening.

-What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.

-You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

-I don't have to be careful. I got a gun.

-Facts are meaningless, you can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true!

-Trying is the first step towards failure.

-Stupid risks make life worth living.

A nice Simpsons info page, www.snpp.com

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