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CASTRATION!!!
Recently, it was brought to the Epiphany Squad's attention that one of our dear members, Captain Shortypants, had been *screwed* by (expletive) Captain Thick-as-a-Brick (who, by the way, is not an Epiphany Squad member). We here at Wej University (coughCAPTAINOBVIOUScough) have taken it upon ourselves to castrate the offender. ...to be continued...again....
WejNews, Story 1
Captain Obvious reporting
Inflicting the World
As it is the main mission of the Epiphany Squad (and, therefore, the Wej Weekly) to inflict the world with...well, you know, idiocy, A campaign has begun influencing all that can be influenced, including the writers of horrific run-on sentences such as this one. However, the complete description of these inflictions may bring a terrible wave of unshibbyness over the Captains. Therefore, we will be discreet. Be watching about the town for signs of witty moronism. Some have already begun. This is our current, most pressing project! (we've decided to put the "make Chuck Suslowicz wear high heels" project on hold for a while, as we're not really getting anywhere with that.) Besides, this project is a lot more worthwhile. The entire town can benefit, not just people we know. SHIBBY!
*Special Note: This particular journalist thinks she should definetely get the Pulitzer Prize for having the ability to spell "Suslowicz" correctly.
WejNews, story 2
Captain Confused reporting
The Virtues of Fireplace Accesories
It was a normal day in the Delaney household (well, as normal as you can get with an Ephiphany Squad member in residence) and Captain Irrelevant was diligently registering for her SATs in the study of her chilly, quiet basement. However, the afternoon's normalcy was about to take flight, for as she brooded over persistent queries regarding her GPA and career choice, England sensed that the silence of her frigid basement was being broken by a quiet shuffling from the direction of the fireplace. Fearful of an axe murderer or alien assassin lurking in the depths, she slunk upstairs to grab the butcher knife in the kitchen usually reserved for carving Thanksgiving Day turkey and crept back down the stairs. Brandishing this sharp pointy implement of death, she sprang towards the closed glass doors of the fireplace from whence the odd noises issued, and, peering inside, was met with the terrifying and bone chilling sight of . . . a squirrel. Yes, faithful readers, a cute, fluffy, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed squirrel. Already undeniably adorable under normal forested circumstances, this tiny rodent had only made the situation worse for itself by sitting in the large iron teapot kept next to the grate to ward off the dry of winter with its cheerful steam. Confronted with such a perplexing situation and overcome by a desire to squeal "Awwwww, how cute!!", Captain Irrelevant found herself at a loss. However, being a woman of action, it didn't take her long to find a solution - to yell frantically for her father, who happened to be upstairs, to come down at once. Since England's father seems to know most everything, he was most helpful in providing an answer as to how to remove the tiny visitor from the family hearth - the rodent, no doubt frightened by Captain Irrelevant's aforementioned antics with the butcher knife, had hidden itself completely in the large teapot, leaving Mr. Delaney to swiftly close the lid and carry them both outside. The grateful animal was set free, the teapot was replaced, the flue (the thing on top of the fireplace that prevents such incidents) was closed, warming the basement, and Captain Irrelevant returned to her registration work. The moral of the story: always keep a teapot in your fireplace. Just in case.
One additional note about the butcher knife: For those of you planning to break into England's house and steal all her girl scout cookies, this bright sabre is always within reach when Captain Irrelevant is home alone. Be warned! And have a nice day.
WejNews, Story 3
Captain Irrelevant reporting
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