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Welcome to Spring!
It's only March, but characteristic spring stuff is already hitting us! As was the prophecy of one very smart kid, made in the fall of the year 2000, seems the underlying web of misplaced affections has caught some flies. (again, here I go with the damn metaphors!) This among others is an interesting turn of events. Due to the seriousness of this subject I forgo too much elaboration for the protection of parties involved.
On a different note, another Captain has found love in less confusing circumstances. Here's where we cue the crowd saying "awwww!" Way to go, Peaches.
Also, as a follow up to the story from a few previous weeks ago, as reported upon by Captain Obvious: the de-franning did not take place, nor were the efforts of hired assasin Chuck necesary. Peaches is surely pleased that de-franning was not undergone. Lucky for us, as we did not have the 10,000$ with which to pay our hitman.
WejNews, Story 1
Captain Confused reporting
Spiffy Spring Sports Start Soon!
Among sports starting new seasons this spring are: Moron Spotting, Advanced Gambling, Random Driving, and Gov School Toaster Deathmatch. The Moron Spotting Team looks promising, as it takes one to know one. Advanced Gambling is off to a shakey start though, and the Epiphany Squad is losing money like crazy. Those who follow Wej News regularly know the story. Random Driving is getting off to a great start; however, some people need to be taught the rules. Shouldn't everyone know that it's counterproductive (and not random) to drive in circles?! Our new sport, Gov School Toaster Deathmatch, is causing excitement and hilarity all over (cause when we say DEATHmatch, we're not kidding!). Visit Wej University for more details on Spiffy Spring Sports.
WejNews, Story 2
Captain Confused reporting
Pedestrian Pinball: England and the Bean Go Driving
Well, it sure has taken long enough, but Captain Obvious and Captain Irrelevant have finally got up off their collective lazy bums and enrolled in the local Driver's Education class. It should be mentioned that the Captains have both already turned 16, but due to schedule conflicts (read: procrastination, at least in England's part...) were unable to take the course. This Saturday the Roanoke Valley and parts of Vinton were blessed with the experience of Bean and England's driving as they careened haphazardly about the downtown streets. Looking on the bright side, Bean managed to keep the car on her side of the road and avoid hitting anything too important, while England somehow remembered that she was driving an automatic trasmission and avoided sending everyone flying through the windshield by braking too hard. This particular course lasts six weeks, so these Epiphany Squad members are sure to be graced with more driving incidents as the months progress. For now, the reader had best be advised to keep off the roads of Roanoke for a good half-year or so.
WejNews, story 3
Captain Irrelevant reporting
World Infliction Continues...
Be watching again for signs of Epiphany Squad Infliction! The Eggman has gotten herself a new printer, for one thing, and she's putting it to use. It's been through the efforts of the entire Epiphany Squad and it's affiliates to spread idiocy through adhesive paper. Fabulous sticker messages are appearing.
Plans for the weekend: finally, finally, the Epiphany Squad is going to put one of our finest plans into action: with the creation of new logos and sudden emergence of free time, we'll be making Epiphany Squad shirts very soon. It will be beneficial for these to be completed before Captain Obvious, Captain ShortyPants, and Captain Confused head off to frighten young children at mini- camp. Also avaliable from the GASP! Epiphany store: Go for the Gold shirts. A suggestion from WEJ: it was questionable whether or not there should be something on the back of those: hows about this:
we're really going for the gold
Updates on Other Idiocy Campaigns:
We're still waiting on SAT scores to see who will be the next moron. Either way, we'll have a man in high heels or Captain Obvious as the Rainbow fish, so this one is win-win.
Captain Confused and Captain Irrelevant are currently undertaking a new scandal, by...borrowing...things from the mice (is that the proper way to pluralize that?). This is a tricky one, but we'll keep you updated.
Plans to do Pink Floyd signs on hold until may. Captain ShortyPants and Captain Confused plan to initiate infliction after the incubus concert. Rah Rah.
Alright, I think that covers most everything that's going on right now, as far as infliction and takeover of the world. But then, as far as non-epiphany squad members go, we're not taking over the world, we're not stealing things, we're not gambling, and we're not defacing public property. We're good people, and on our friday nights we stay home and knit socks for the underprivleged. It's true!
WejNews, Story 4
Captain Confused reporting
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