The Fast Show: Series 3, Episode 4: Directions / The Rambler [PW is hiking along a road in the middle of nowhere. He walks up to a bedraggled boiler-suited MW, who is working at his petrol station. The wind is howling, so he shouts across to MW as he approaches]

PW HELLO! HELLO, THERE! HELLO! I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD, ER, HELP ME? [slight pause]

PW MY- MY CANTEEN'S A BIT LOW.

MW I see. You lost, an' you're wantin' directions. Right. Now, then. You see this road, 'ere? You go up this road 'ere, until you come to a tree. Lovely old tree.

PW No, you misunderstand me. Erm, I- I need some water for my canteen. Yes, it's very thirsty work, hiking up and down the highways and byways.

MW Well, you'll be needin' directions, then.

PW No, no. No, I'm fully equipped. I know exactly where I am. Erm, I've never had to ask for directions. Ever. I'm a fully experienced rambling-hikurr. [slight pause]

MW You sure about that, then?

PW Yes, I'm quite sure. [slight pause as MW comes up very close to an uneasy PW]

MW What about down the end o' that road, there? You been down there?

PW I- I've just come from there. Yes.

MW Well, that's no guaranTEE!

PW Well, I suppose not. No.

MW You wanna watch where you're steppin' round 'ere, boy. You might fall down 'ole. Where would you be, if you fell down 'ole?

PW Well, yeah, yeah-

MW WHAT ABOUT THE FOG? STUCK IN A HOLE? IN THE FOG? STUCK IN A HOLE? IN THE FOG? IN THE MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT? WITH AN OWL! UP A TREE! [PW decides he'd best be on his way, but MW follows him up the road]

MW STUCK IN 'OLE! IN THE MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT! STUCK DOWN 'OLE! WITH AN OWL! ON YER OWN! BEYOND WALL! (LOVELY OLD WALL!) [PW starts running now. bits of his backpack are falling out over the road]

MW STUCK DOWN 'OLE! WITH AN OWL! IN THE MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT! IT COULD 'APPEN! STUCK DOWN 'OLE! IN THE MIDDLE O' THE NIGHT! WITH - AN - OWL! [MW stops. PW carries on as fast as his legs will carry him. MW's face is suddenly tranquil. He sniffs. Another satisfied customer!]