Things To Say To Over-The-Phone Sales People

  1. "I can count to 100" (then do so, constantly messing up and starting over)
  2. When they say "May I speak to the head of the household?"
    Respond by saying "No! And if you find him, tell him my mom wants her child support payments!" (then hang up)
  3. Read to them out of the encyclopedia.
  4. Ask them things like "How ya’ doin’? Ya’ married? Got kids? How ‘bout pets, ya’ got any pets? How much do you make an hour?" (etc.)
  5. "Would ja’ like to take a survey?" (Don’t let them say no)
    Then ask:
    1. "Do you like green eggs and ham?"
    2. "Would you like them here or there?
    3. "Would you like them in a house?
    4. "Would you like them with a mouse?
    5. "Would you eat them in a box?"
    6. "Would you eat them with a fox?"
    7. "Would you? Could you? In a car?"
    8. "Could you? Would you? In a train?"
    9. "Would you? Could you? In the dark?"
    10. "Would you eat them in a tree?"
    11. "Could you? Would you? In the rain?"
    12. "You do not like green eggs and ham?"
    13. "Would you? Could you? With a goat?"
    14. "Could you? Would you? On a boat?"
    15. "You do not like them, so you say. Try them! Try them! And you may. Try them and you may, I say."
  6. "’scuse me, gotta go." (don’t hang up, just walk away)
  7. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! The house is on FIRE!!!!!" (again, don’t hang up, just walk or run away)
  8. break into a constant chorus of "Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener" and "My bologna has a first name, it’s O-s-c-a-r , my bologna has a second name, it’s M-e-y-e-r, dududududududududududududududu, ‘cause Oscar Meyer has a way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a" and "Hot Dogs, Armour hot dogs, they're the dogs that all kids love, tall kids, short kids, kids that climb on rocks, fat kids, skinny kids, even kids with chicken pox, they're hot dogs, Armour hot dogs, they're the dogs kids love to bite."
  9. "Will you marry me?" *Caution* If they say yes, hang up and walk away.
  10. "I swear……I’ll jump!"
  11. Ask them: "what’s 2+2?" If they respond 4, ask them what 4+4 is, then what 8+8 is, and then 16+16 and so on. Keep doing so until they don’t know the answer.
  12. "This is your brain. This is your brain ON TO MANY $!&~%^#@ PHONE SALES PEOPLE!!"
  13. Start acting as if you’ll buy they’re product, act very sweetly, and then turn around and scream "BUTCH GET BACK IN YO’ CAGE!!"
  14. "Do you know Mr. Burkman?"
  15. "This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and now continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and now continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and now continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and now continue singing it forever just because……etc."
  16. Let them in on your evil plan of taking over the world, then do an evil laugh (muhahahaha)
  17. "I have a gun, and I’m not afraid to use it!"
  18. "Hello." *Pause long enough for them to give the name of thier place* "We're not home right now, but you can leave a message after the beep." Then shout BEEP.

      When they say "How are you today?" you say: "Not well, you see I have a touch of the flu and I've got this horrible phlegm build up and when I cough, which is quite often, all this green stuff comes out and if it wasn't for the conversations I have with my cat, Bobo, I don't know what I'd do. Do you want to talk to Bobo? Say hello for the nice man, Bobo ..
      Or, as my friend likes to do quite often: "Hello, is Mr. or Mrs. Soandso there?" "No, they're on vacation." "When will they be back?" "In a few months, they're at their summer house in England." "Who is this?" "I'm the maid!"
      -Contributed by Lunrchick

    19. If you have some other ideas, e-mail them to me at parrotjuice@hotmail.com


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