Things To Do When You're Insanely Bored

Or Merely Insane

200 just not good enough for you? What the hell are you, a librarian or something? Anyway, to fight the lesser horseman of the Apocalypse (Boredom), read on...  
  1. Design a fitness program so that one side can be of Mr Universe standards, while the other is weak as all hell. Freak people out by losing arm-wrestles easily, then breaking their arm using the other hand. Or just have fun walking weird. Don't forget the steroids.
  2. Get the massive Tome of Tax. Find loopholes.
  3. Try to find the Necromonicon and read it.
  4. Train ants to become your evil servants. BWAHAHAHA
  5. Invent a new mathematical constant, useful or not.
  6. Prove that parallel lines don't meet by actually drawing them (and yeah all you geeks, I know that parallel lines drawn on a non-euclidean or projective surfaces often meet).
  7. Act real suspicious. Eyeball the mailman. Ask to see his identification. Bomb-scan your mail. Watch people travelling down your street with your gun sights.
  8. Hijack something. Plane, bicycle, funeral procession, anything!
  9. Get two identical water pistols. Fill one with water, another with sulfuric acid. Bet your friends to play Russian roulette. Or even funnier, declare a water pistol fight and throw him a water pistol (make sure you know which one is which or there might be complications).
  10. Play frisbee with CDs.
  11. Go looking for missing people.
  12. Spike the coffee machine with cocaine. Watch your workmates for the next while.
  13. Make it your mission to have the SWAT or some federal agency after you after today's activities.
  14. Become a monk.
  15. Find a priest and have a religious debate with him.
  16. Visit a gay bar (intentionally or not). See what happens.
  17. At random moments, go the Full Monty. Or pretend to have an orgasm.
  18. Speak Shakespearean. Or backwards. Or in Lebanese.
  19. Safety-test your neighbour's car.
  20. Carry a cattle-prod in thick crowds.
  21. Challenge the local karate club to a duel... Them versus you (and your chaingun).
  22. Mix drinks and let passers-by sample them. "Accidentally" swap with a molotov to a smoker.
  23. Determine just how much punishment your body can take. Stay underwater for huge amounts of time, pressurize yourself or drink petrol.
  24. Build up your immunity to cyanide.
  25. Start a particularly stupid political party. Like Doughnuts for You, or One Nation (it's an Australian joke).
  26. Tell a teacher from way back that you now find him/her incredibly attractive and want to meet sometime. Actually go along with the act. Then let him/her at the last moment, laughing in his/her face.
  27. Develop a knack for stealing watches.
  28. Construct that particle accelerator you've been wanting to make for a while. Find new particles.
  29. Become a contortionist. Hire yourself out to parties or join a freak show.
  30. Develop very realistic and terrifying practical jokes. i.e. "Oh no... My watch fell into this blender! I'll just get it... BZZZZZT!!! ARGH!!!!" Have lots of "blood" go everywhere.
  31. Dress up like a fantasy character. Go killing trolls and goblins.
  32. Divine the meaning of life. Other than 42.
  33. Learn to park when there is no parks. This could mean up a tree, on two wheels, ontop of another car, in your bedroom, on the roof and inside another car (it's harder than it seems).
  34. Drop caltrops about.
  35. Do the annoying coin-stuck-to-the-cement trick. Wedgie the people that try to get it.
  36. Host a wedgie-athon. Get people to be sponsored for how many people they can give a decent wedgie to. Put it to a telethon and have big-name celebrities come in and give each other wedgies.
  37. Be an innovator and make a disaster film.
  38. Try to make the 100% blood-alcohol ratio.
  39. Learn to become a ninja or a samurai. Catch arrows shot at you. Disappear in a cloud of smoke. Leap on to tall buildings. Wield a katana with expertise. Use it to get money or entertain people at parties.
  40. Call an open-house party at your arch-nemesis' house. Free alcohol... Free sex... Free drugs... Free furniture...
  41. Develop pyrokinesis or telekinesis. Use to entertain or terrorise.
  42. Visit a nude beach with those look-around-corners glasses.
  43. Bug a celebrity. Or find someone not particularly important, but they'd feel special (some idiot in the paper, Guiness Book of Records or school magazine). Treat them like the ultimate celebrity.
  44. Design weapons to be hidden in your clothes. Have a system where you can press a button and you become a walking machine gun.
  45. Put grenades in lockers. Or find out how loud the bangs are in flash-bangs.
  46. Knock out a kindergarten teacher and take over the class for a day. Teach them about the tax system, integral calculus and Demi Moore. Confuse them by making up your own alphabet and making them learn that.
  47. Give a guy in a wheelchair the ride of his life. Make sure you have those jumps set up first though.
  48. Carry a big stick and use it.
  49. Try to top the Blues Brothers record for crashed cars.
  50. Find at least five new ways to disgust people.
  51. Pretend to be a TCP packet for the day. Bump into offices and then bounce out. Wrap yourself up in a datagram.
  52. Try to take down the internet (except for this site of course).
  53. Crash the stock market, or get rich from it.
  54. Juggle knives, chainsaws, puppies, eggs and a few CDs.
  55. Answer each question with "Bite me!" or "What the #$%@ do you think I am? An encyclopaedia?" Especially good if you're a consultant or doing tests that day.
  56. Replace some guy in life. Tie him up and throw him into a cellar as you pretend to be him. Act as though nothing is wrong.
  57. Find a mistake in the dictionary.
  58. Here's an exercise I thought up a while ago and it'd be kewl to prove it: See if, starting from any old word, that you can use any word in the explanation of a word, to reference to another word in a dictionary. See if you can cross off every word in the dictionary by the words in the definitions. (eg. Happy: An elated state of mind. Look up an, and elated, and state, and of, and mind. Use these words to continue).
  59. Attain a zillion points in Asteroids or Pong.
  60. Run around your school/office and chew on every pencil thoroughly. Return to owner once chewed.
  61. Glue everything to the ceiling. Develop special shoes so you can walk on the ceiling and freak visitors or neighbours out.
  62. Declare war on your neighbours or Portugal.
  63. Abbreviate everything. eg. "Hi, HRU? IG. DYSTGOS? IWG. Don't ya reckon?"
  64. Instead of being a menace, go around, helping out everyone. Pump up people's bike tyres, replenish car necessities and do the shopping for people. It'll really freak them out.
  65. Be a robot for a day. Mimic people like those annoying guys at carnivals and parks.
  66. Get yourself on Friends.
  67. Act like someone important has died and mope about, crying periodically and telling everyone to do the same. Duck for cover when the person's lawyers come around.
  68. Build a Mechwarrior.
  69. Set up tripwires.
  70. Spread vicious rumours that your teacher/boss is a cocaine addict. Prove it by planting plastic bags of white powder on them.
  71. Statistics show that we spend lots of time sleeping and on the toilet... Do it all now so you have the next fifty years free.
  72. Try to learn the ways of the force (There is no try!)
  73. Develop a new compiler.
  74. Design a system so that you don't have to do anything but push buttons. This involves some heavy duty electrical rigging of your house, but you get all that convenience!
  75. Make a memorial Diana pencil holder. Try to flog as many Diana tribute things as possible.
  76. Find errors in webpages so obscure, the maintainer didn't know they existed (in honour of aeryck).
  77. Engineer an advanced AI so complex it should be able to take over the world... BWAHAHAHA
  78. Do everything in slow motion. Convince your boss you're actually trapped in a Space-Time continuum paradox and actually, everything is moving too fast for you.
  79. Drive around until you see a hearse. Smash into it so that the body comes out. Or even better, hijack the vehicle and threaten to "kill the guy in the back if demands aren't met". That'll confuse `em.
  80. Dress up in bondage gear. Pretend nothing is amiss.
  81. Listen patiently to the radio station of your choice and be dead keen on winning each and every competition.
  82. Speak like Yoda.
  83. I know this is real sick, but do that hair gel thing in There's Something About Mary in a more determined way. If you can fill a whole bottle quickly, hats off to you mister. Very sick.
  84. Wax floors to Teflon slipperiness and don't put up a sign. Or better, trigger a fire alarm and watch all the people run, slip and slide all the way down the hall.
  85. Stage a swordfight in a mall. Or if you have a lot of bored, suicidal friends, get them to dress up like pirates while you go the Fabio look and save some damsel in distress.
  86. Wear skis. Try to walk up steps. If you get there, ski down into people.
  87. Make everything you say a quote from someone. Make sure to suffix your sentence with the person's name.
  88. Drug your boss or teacher. Put clown makeup on him/her. When they wake up, fool around. Laugh hysterically when they tell you to stop "clowning around" or "being the fool".
  89. Start an avalanche.
  90. Throw disks and CDs about the office like frisbees. Ten points for someone's head, twenty for a coffee cup near vital plans. Use stealth, camouflage and guerilla tactics.
  91. Program a web browser. Hide little things in it so that you can't go to www.netscape.com or www.microsoft.com especially. Pretend you save 40 meg downloads, hence your 10K/sec download rate :) Develop a good AI so that you can fake usenet and email.
  92. Breed endangered animals. Do it in secret so you can sell them to wildlife preserves for millions.
  93. Hug a tree. Do things with trees that you can be arrested for.
  94. Sneak into a morgue and give a mortician a scare. ("Now I'll just have a look here and..." BOO!!! "AHHHHHH!!!")
  95. Psychoanalyse everything. Get ultraparanoid about your friend's Oedipus syndrome.
  96. Put metal things in showroom microwaves (make sure they're plugged in). Rub magnets on the TVs.
  97. Steal a corpse (okay so this one isn't quite suggested practise). Then set it up in a library or work/school. Shriek like a girl scout covered in tarantulas when you "discover" your beloved long-lost brother from Uruguay is dead. Seek compensation and counselling. Sue the library/workplace/school for negligence (not being aware that someone is dead is pretty incriminating).
  98. Go to a job interview while you're filled up to the eyeballs with your narcotic of choice. Scream at the rabid pink elephants and the rats that are coming after you. Tell the interviewer that you're the "Lizard King".
  99. Jump down a well. Make sure you're brought a few CDs and some food because it might be awhile till people find out that you're gone (if they ever find out). Don't attempt this in a oil well, especially if you're a smoker.
  100. Get a life dammit.

Written By: Brett "Yaaaawwwnnn" Witty
Researched By: Those guys who always play checkers and talk about rheumatism down at the old folk's home.

Copyright © Brett Witty, 2002.