How do you play Dagger!!!? It's easy. The name of the game is to dagger as many people as frequently as possible, without being daggered yourself. So how do you dagger? A dagger is performed in the following way:

1. Creep up behind unsuspecting fool.
2. Convert hand into fist.
3. Raise hand in gesture similar to the stabbing bit in Psycho.
4. Pound into fool's back (not too hard). Aim for the center of the back. If you hit the shoulder blades, the daggering will be unsuccessful. Hitting the spine is acceptable, but not so good. Between the spine and shoulder blade is probably the optimal place.
5. Twist your fist into the fool's back as he squirms in agony.
6. Scream "Dagger!!!" menacingly whilst performing this manoeuvre.

It sounds so easy! But there are a few gentlemanly terms:

• Daggers can only be performed on the back. Daggering to the front, head or (especially) groin is prohibited.
• No teams. This is pure anarchy and paranoia.
• Feints and distractions cannot involve: kneeing to the groin, breaking limbs, flares (light-emitting or apparel), deity-induced natural disasters or stun grenades.
• Anyone is vulnerable to a dagger. If they don't retaliate, that's their own foolishness.
• Using real daggers is, strangely enough, banned.
• Dagger!!! cannot be stopped once started. It may die down for a short while, but may explode at any time, at any place.
• People with thin bones, spinal conditions and so forth are (barely) exempt from the game.

Violations of these terms can result in noogies, Chinese burns or other vicious tortures.

Between two people Dagger!!! is pretty fun for a while. With three or more it's even more fun because it brings out the best side to Dagger!!!: paranoia. You can trust no-one. You might side with someone to dagger someone, only to be backstabbed (literally) by your so-called "partner". It is definitely every man for himself.

Which brings me to the next point. Females, for some odd reason, have an aversion to this game. What could be more fun than ducking and weaving, trying to pound others to submission? Sometimes it's even like dancing when you both grab arms and try to swing around to dagger each other. Sometimes females are just girls…

Like many other guys games, you can have specialized fighting tactics. Here are a few to get you started:

Berserker: Dagger anything moving. If you cop a dagger, shrug it off. You'll eventually tire out your opponents so that you can dagger their collapsed bodies to your heart's content. If you have to run across rooftops and dive off to dagger a fleeing person, then so be it.

Sniper: Although it is quite hard to get up into a tree and dagger people who get within range, the sniper uses guile to dagger his opponents. They often pretend to be disinterested, or otherwise preoccupied. Then, when the other fools pass by, a quick, precise dagger can be dealt. This works best if you can borrow a ninja suit and hide in shadows well.

Bruce Lee: This is kinda like the berserker, but with style and effectiveness. It helps if you've done martial arts or have watched enough Hong Kong movies. What you do is watch out for any attempted attacks, block them and then retaliate with a dagger that could break a car in half. It can get hectic if you happen to be picked on by 5 people. But that's all the fun. Too bad it won't be like in movies; they'll all rush you at once.

Divebomber: To be a divebomber, you need a bike (trust me, it's not against the rules). Get on your bike and ride full-speed at your unsuspecting target. Attempt to dagger the person as you fly past. Driving headlong into the person is not recommended. Also not recommended is performing this manoeuvre indoors (especially near stairs). A kewl thing to try is to make Divebombing tournaments. It's much like jousting knights and so forth. It's just on bikes and daggering each other.

Stalker: No, this isn't following someone home late one night and daggering them when they least expect it. A stalker picks one target and sticks to it. They stomp forward like the Terminator, shrugging off any attacks from others. You continually pursue the one person until they pretty much give in. It's freaky having one person chasing after you the whole game and never stopping…

Dagger!!! is definitely heaps of fun. It's all about deception and paranoia. Tactics are fun, but they usually give in to the chaos. Sure, you could try to creep behind your target, but because everyone's constantly spinning in circles (a good tactic, if dizzying) you usually end up being caught at the last moment. But also try not to plan it all through. Chaos is good…

So I suggest that whenever you've had too much of all this non-silliness, you should begin a wholesome game of Dagger!!! It's fun for the whole family!