Physical | Mental | Emotional

The most important thing for you to remember is that for most guys, the emphasis in a relationship is on physical attributes (mainly at the start). Mental attributes come second, whilst emotion is way down the bottom. This is probably the inverse of what you want. But unless you want to be a lesbian^†, you'll have to put up with it if you want a man. Now not all men look purely for physical attributes, but it is an undeniable major factor. So here's a few tips for the physical side of things:

• You don't have to look like Helen of Troy, but if you do want to be noticed, you do have to put some effort into looking good. Some people don't need to do anything, but they are freaks. For the normal girl, you should make sure you are looking your best when you first meet your special guy.
• It may be fairly offensive, but if the truth were known, "larger" girls rarely get the guys. The modern man isn't a Renaissance man. He doesn't like extra insulation on his girl, nor does he enjoy looking through folds of fat or counting chins. But it is very true that men don't really like the skeletal appearance that most supermodels have. Most men don't want to go out with a girl resembling a mish-mash of pencils for bones and rice paper for skin, with a few eyeballs thrown in for aesthetic reasons. They want a human being.
• It's sad to say it, but men like breasts. Amazing as it seems, they do. Some like them huge and round, others like them small and pointy. But they love them. They are fascinated with them. They are something (most) men don't have. But you must use your advantage to its full capacity. If you draw attention to them at the right time, you can con a man into going to seeing a quaint Victorian romance movie (e.g. Emma, Sense and Sensibility etc). But never, ever just pull your "weapons" out. If you do, you can watch your reputation go from person to slut or exhibitionist. This can get you into so much trouble it isn't even funny. So keep `em in their holsters until the proper moment (i.e. when you actually want to (or have to) have sex).
• Legs and butts are pretty important. Men don't want girls who have beanbag butts, nor tree-trunk legs. Long and thin tends to be popular in the leg department, but if you've been equipped with another brand, a good mixture of clothing and stockings can make the long, thin type unimportant. Just try to avoid legs that wobble like jelly (or ones that are so thin, they don't cast shadows). Keep butts tight and secure. Any excessive movement ("it's like a lava lamp") can be a turn-off in some men.
• Anything else isn't too important in your body. Of course, having a conjoined fetus on your head (Hi Nurse Gollum) or an extra limb won't help much^‡. Just try to look your best. Consider plastic surgery only after at least a whole month (non-stop) thinking about other alternatives and why and so forth. Barbie girls are often admired, but when a probing hand (naughty!) finds something PVC, then respect and physical worth drop. Also, plastic surgery can quickly become an obsession and that leads to those freaks that reckon they are beautiful because they've had four nose jobs, liposuction, tattooed eyebrows, had their face stretched back behind their ears and their eyes adjusted so that they look permanently surprised. Freaks!
• Your expectations in a man must also be put into perspective. Sure, it'd be great (perhaps) to have a man that can sling his "little friend" over his shoulder and tuck it into his back pocket, but it just doesn't happen. Be prepared for the McDonald's shock. You've seen it on TV: products that are huge, meaty and too good to be true. But when you get the real product, it's small, shriveled and cold. That's the way life is. Never EVER laugh at a man's firehose. Doing this is on the same level as summoning the apocalypse upon his soul. He may get violent, petty or emotional. Sure, men look for big breasts. They may even tease those with smaller ones. But to mock a man's pocket rocket is to mock the man's entire value system. The world revolves around the almighty flesh banana. It is his ego, his entertainment, his best friend and his equivalent to a Swiss army knife all in one. Women have their bits distributed about their body. Men have the one thing for half of what he does^*. So don't knock the noodle. It's too valuable.
• Disappointingly enough, you won't find too many Fabios (long blonde hair, huge muscles and a joystick you can tell the time off). Most men are basically just men. Don't expect too much. If they're not a roly-poly man, you're doing great. And never expect your man to change. Hell will fix its thermostat before a guy actually listens to a girl tell him how he should look like. She's doing a guy thing. Only guys can comment (and then again, can't) on how someone should look. That is the way of life. He has the control over the physical aspect of the relationship. You only (only?) get to mould the emotional and mental side of things.

Physical | Mental | Emotional

Every human needs brains (except of course, Hanson, but they have millions of teenyboppers to make up for that). Men expect some brains with their girl. You of course, expect a fair bit. In mental expectations, it is apparent that a man's demands on his girl's mental ability is proportional to his own. If he finds conversations with bricks philosophical, then he needs a good "dizzy" girl ("Oh dear, you spilt icy water on my chest again. Let me take this white shirt off"). If he enjoys integral calculus (don't we all *cough* *cough*), he probably wants someone to intellectually challenge him (note, not beat him. Whether he is or not, a man must be smarter than his girlfriend, or he is a very understanding man).

You should never dumb yourself down (a lot) in order to get a man. Doing this will only cause trouble. Making a few "mistakes" always helps. If you are intellectual and act like it, you'll only be casting your net into the "mature, understanding man" zone, giving you a total choice of about five men. So you have to probe the intellect issue before you jump into a relationship. Be at normal intellectual level and then modify according to conversations.

There may be times in which you are smarter than a guy may be. You've outwitted him. Try to avoid dancing about, shouting, "How that for the difference of sexes, eh? In your face!" You could use a metaphor to explain the results of this. Imagine you are a few shares in the stock market. You do the dance of achievement and you watch your value go from $10 a share to one Ethiopian dollar (or whatever the hell they have) for a dozen. You will most likely be branded a feminist, a very bad mistake in the relationship game. From there you have three options: struggle to dispel this myth, go in and come out of the closet or give up entirely. Not good.

Physical | Mental | Emotional

Here is your domain. Normal men cannot even comprehend the complexity of a woman's emotions, let alone the depth and breadth they extend to. Here are a few pointers to the emotional side of a relationship:

• Rarely explain your emotions. Usually men don't care or feel compelled to blame it on periods. That doesn't mean you have to always put on a plastic smile and wrap all your emotions into a tight ball and then explode some time later on. Cry because you have to. Men don't cry, so if there is an excuse, you should. You see, men think women cry too much. But it is relative. Men actually cry too little. Take note of this.
• Don't expect your man to show much emotion, unless it's in private. Emotion is a perceived weakness. If a mortal enemy knows that singing "He's Not Heavy, He's my Brother" brings a tear to his eye, the guy will never hear the end of it. Also, if someone knows this, they may want to get him all teary and sentimental, so they play the music. The few emotions a man has means that they can't just be played like a CD ("Hmm I need pride, I better use track 2. When I want to get him apologetic I better use track 15.") He treasures them and hides them from everyone except those in ultimate trust positions.
• It is unknown why women find men getting hit in their manhood by tennis balls or other hard objects extremely funny. Maybe it is the ultimate parody of their value systems. But men sure don't find it funny. If they did, they'd break the ice with other guys with a quick knee to the knackers. Funniest Home Videos and their ilk thrive on this specific form of slapstick. Whether it be a mis-aimed hit with a piece of sporting equipment (least funny of all is a javelin), some guy falling onto a branch, a leg either side, or having a car door or something slam on it, men find this very unfunny. Of course, everyone has to laugh at the incredible extent of the damage in that excellent scene in There's Something About Mary ("What did you get, the beans or the frank?" "I think a bit of both…" and "How'd you get the zipper all the way up?!") So try to keep genital smashing jokes to a minimum. You wouldn't laugh if some guy was using a set of breasts as boxing training equipment (budupudupudupudupudup).
• Some men are funny. Some aren't. Some think calling a girl a dirty whore hilarious. Stay WELL away from these guys. But do comment on how well they hid the scars from the lobotomy. Humour is definitely a thing to look for. Laugh at whatever lame joke they bring up, unless it defines new depths of lameness (hmmm… now I know why I get all those e-mails from girls saying how funny they think I am… Sneaky bastards!) But with humour, you also have to look for how well they control it and how they are funny. If they love to pull out about fifty lame puns a conversation, either perfect the evil glare or say "Bye bye" (to either the guy or your sanity). A good man is someone who can pull out a good, original, entertaining joke, without need for profanity, excessive explanation or reference from a book (I know a few guys who get by for humour by memorizing jokes they read in a book or in a nudie magazine).
• Conversations are a touchy issue. Some guys will never shut up. They may have about forty thousand sporting stories (invented or not) or absolutely love the sound of their own voice. Depending on you, this is probably bad. Some guys prefer to live by action, not words. Some enjoy a good fruity mix. Probe your man until you discover his "talkability". Also try not to talk beyond what your man can stand. Some men can just listen to your voice till the cows come home (my question is, where do the cows go? Clubbing?). Some men let you talking be an excuse for him to ogle your body. Some men will only accept, "Dinner's ready" and "I don't have a headache dear". Find your man's tolerance and work around that.
• It is a proven fact that men want sex more than women do. Simple as that. However, you must not simply brush it off. It is a need that they have. Never use the "I've got a headache" excuse. If you do, you'll find one night that he is shoving aspirins down your throat. The old "it's my period" is a tricky one. You can't have 24/7 periods that magically turn off when you're feeling randy. Sure, men don't really understand the menstrual cycle. But to use it as a contingency plan is wrong. It is deceptive and can get men suspicious. You may annoy a man so much he may actually refuse sex a few times (Jim Carrey once posed this challenge for men. It'd be easier to eat a truck sideways). He may say, "Oh, my erection holidaying in Venice." He may even strike back harder: "Nah, my secretary and your best friend already wore it out today." So give a little every once in a while. Never resort to the x dollars a "go". This degrades both you and him. And don't forget, if it's not on, it's not on!

So you've investigated the strategies and tactics to help you understand men. Understanding your opponent is the best way to defeat. Treat men like people (and then treat them like men). Give them this false sense of security then sink your hooks into them. Hopefully you'll get a good catch.