Another Year
Funny. Just a few entries ago I was musing about how fast a week had passed. Now I stare at today's date and try and absorb how another year has passed.
Does anyone else feel sometimes, like they are speeding through life towards death and they want to stop the train for a little while? I do. Partly because I just seem to be so unproductive. I don't have much, if anything, to show for this last year....what did Journi do?for 365 consecutive days? I think I waste a lot of my days and evenings. I can sit and burn time like there is no tomorrow, when of course, there really is. I really must start watching and using time better. It is, after all, not a renewable commodity for us humans!
I guess, in part, I am formulating a resolution of sorts. Honestly---I never do this type of thing, but for some reason, this year, I feel I should. I feel a lot of "I shoulds" right now. And the only way to deal with them, I guess, is to resolve to "do" them.
I think the passing of my brother in law this last summer had a very deep affect on me. I still can't believe he is gone, sometimes! And I think of how quickly he was here and then gone------. Sometimes, I look at his death and panic inside. I want to be someone, do something, leave a legacy----I could be gone tomorrow and what good would I have done?
Part of my taking action, is I want to get more organized in my daily life, more routine in my grooming. Now, makeup is applied depending on the mood I am in upon waking and how much time I have before I have to be at work. I want to schedule time for this grooming! I also want to exercise more regularly. This should be helped by the fact that these last 11 hours of 1997 are the last that hubby and I will ever smoke! (optimistic, aren't I!) Oh, and I want to again be regular in taking vitamins! I guess, when I look at these things combined, what I am saying is I want to take better care of myself. I want to grow old well.
I also want to get some type of routine going for keeping the house clean. Currently, our little place suffers so! By the time I get back from working with Pop, I am usually too tired to do anything at home! So I want to try and establish a little routine--like vacuum on Saturdays, dust on Mondays, laundry on Sundays and, maybe, clean a room a day! Spread out the daily chores over a longer period of time. Perhaps I will be able to accomplish more if I do it this way. Oh, and I want to dust the artificial plants. Ha! That in itself would be an accomplishment.
I would like to plan meals again and work up menus ahead of time. I love to bake, so why don't I do it more often instead of waiting for a holiday and doing "mass baking"? And I want to reorganize my pantry so I can find what is currently hidden in there.
I would like to be more regular in the attention I pay my precious cat and actually play with her more instead of waiting for her to come to me. This precious animal, and the little dog that calls my husband "Beloved Master", will only be with us for a little while longer. I want to enjoy every minute of their shortening lives.
And finally I would like to schedule more time for my handicrafts. There are so many things I want to do, I often find I am doing only one or two projects while others just pile up in the "to-do" pile. I was reading some of the mail on the e-mail Knitlist I belong to earlier and was amazed at one woman's recollection of completed projects for the year. She had almost 39 items completed, and some of those items included sweaters and afghans. Geez. I was lucky to get the socks done for Christmas. (Which I did!) But I have books of patterns that I want to do and scores of ideas I want to try. I think I will try and begin, work and complete one project per month next year. If I set my mind to this as a goal, I can make it happen. If I just keep dreaming and whining about it, I will never have anything to show.
Last, but not least. I need to devote some time to working on this little "block" I am currently undergoing. I need to write again. I need to force myself to write again. For whatever reason, I find myself choosing to watch a TV show or waste away an hour daydreaming than pick up the pen and write again. It has even affected my progress on this site. I have, legitimately, replaced many graphics because the old ones somehow were "lost". But still, I find I would rather monkey around with the html and the pictures on this site then actually create something. I am really sure that this is just one more of my subconscious stalling techniques. After all, Lord knows I love to procrastinate. But if I am to make any of the goals I have set for myself, I simply must get control of my procrastinating Spirit and guide it to activity. I just don't understand. I used to write all the time, but lately it has almost become a chore. And, as usual, when I go extended periods without writing, I get depressed. It must be that I need the catharsis of the activity to properly function. I wonder then, why am I so ambivalent towards actually sitting down and writing?
I have only 1 & 1/2 hours to go until I can leave this office and I am sitting here just fighting to stay awake! I didn't get to sleep last night until very late (and until I had taken a Vicoden for the pain). Consequently, I overslept this morning and actually arrived to work over an hour late. Not that it matters. Almost no one is here. And no one cares whether we are here or not.
The entire complex is ghostly quiet. Even a large number of the staff took today as a vacation. If it wasn't for one of my favorite bosses, sitting quietly in his office typing away at his latest book, I would be completely alone. But I really cherish this quiet time. I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on this past year and planning a bit of what I want for this next. For some reason, I feel a sense of urgency, like I really need to get this next year right for some reason.
I just finished talking to Pop. I got his grocery list over the phone and will do the marketing and Pharmacy runs on the way home from work today. I arranged for a friend to "babysit" for the next two days and Keith and I are supposed to go to Houston tomorrow to spend time with my sister and brother in law. I am looking forward to the break in routine, but the event causes as much stress as it promises relaxation.
For example, I will need to clean both houses, tear down two trees and decorations and do laundry for all of us on Sunday! I almost wish I wasn't going after all, considering all I will have to do when I get back, but I know that is just a touch of depression whispering in my ear so I will ignore it and just plug on through the next couple of days dealing with what comes as it comes. That is, after all, all I can expect out of myself.
At least I can say I have accomplished this site. I am really pleased, for the most part, with the way it has turned out. And I am tickled to death over the new caregivers' e-mail list group. It has taken on its own special life and personality, just like I knew it would! So all in all, I guess I did do something this last year. Something that will last awhile, long after I am gone.
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