Have you ever wondered what it's all about? Have you ever waxed philosophical?
I have been doing just that all weekend. Trying to get a picture of what my life is all about. Wondering about absolutely nothing in particular and everything in general. I go through this regularly. (Anyone who reads this journal with any regularity would know that.) So sorry friend - but here I go again:
It is really a dirty trick, this living thing - to age and remember one's youth and accomplishments with such clarity that it seems as if one blends on top of the other. But that is not the case, is it? One passes away as the other stage takes over. Even though I remember when I could exist on 4 hours sleep and do 3 hours of aerobics or horseback riding or simply walk more than a few paces without pain - these are memories of a time gone. Accomplishments that will never be mine again. (No! I am not depressed and Yes! I do know that there are many more accomplishments ahead, just changed a bit, in their characters)
And the memories of my sons, oh my boys, now grown into beautiful men. I can still remember the smell the house had from the baby supplies and (clean) disposable diapers I always kept on hand for trips. There was that wonderful "baby smell". I can't explain it. A delightful smell that faded at some point and passed from my life without my even knowing that it was gone.
And there are the memories of my own body. Foreign now - could that have really been me with the long shiny dark hair? The tiny waist? The perfect skin? And what about the pregnant me. I look at my belly now and can't even imagine how large I was during that wonderful pregnant time, twice passed and never to return.
I am reminded of the passage of time every time I try to apply eyeliner (which is not very often anymore) because the makeup tends to want to run into little crevices and valley around my eyes that did not use to be there. I tend to be very "light" on the makeup now-a-days. A little blush and lipstick - maybe a bit of brow color. I go more and more au natural as I get older.
Perhaps the philosophical ramblings that I can no longer contain today are set off by lost dreams from last night. I keep noticing that a hint of scent, a sound, the way the light reflects off my desk, all these things are bringing back a sense of deja-vu today. But for what? I know I dreamed something significant last night, but for some reason my subconscious has grabbed on to the actual memory and locked it tightly just below the surface of my sight. So I drift through this workday with a feeling of something standing just behind me, out of sight, but slipping just into the corner of my view every so often. Such a funny feeling. And to think. It was probably brought on by a piece of cheese from last night's sandwich.
Another thing, I am sure, that may have set me off involved my Dad. You see, poor Pop insists that he keep money in his house. (Something about the banks going to be the "first to go" in a crisis) And we discovered this weekend that over a period of time, someone has helped themselves to most of what Dad was so conscientiously stashing. Daddy is so upset. He is hurt that someone would "betray" him in that manner. I am furious. Tempted to get one of those "kiddie cams" and catch the thief. There are any number of people that could be the culprit and without knowing whenexactly this happened - well, it's impossible to figure it out. All I can say is, people just sink lower and lower, don't they. Taking from the weak and the aged is like stealing from a child, and for my opinion, unforgivable.
I am actually writing this while at work today. I have been 'counting' all day. One of my bosses is constantly publishing, so part of my job is helping him with the editing process. And it has hit with a vengeance today! I now have at least a week ahead of me of counting every character per line, line per page and line per document to ultimately come up with total characters per documents of items to be republished. I feel like I am going blind. But worse. I feel like I am going crazy.
I like my job and though there are times that I am really bored with the work I very rarely hit times like this. Times where I am working and wishing I was anywhere but here. I just hate it! So I 'count' for about 15 minutes and then write in here for about 3 minutes. It helps break up the monotony but I am sure the entry is fractured as a result. And I am daydreaming constantly. I want to be home, burn some pretty smelling candles and make bread. Oh, and some lemon bars. And light a fire. And on and on - see what I mean? This is pure torture today! I just want to GO HOME!
Have I mentioned that we have a new computer???? (at home) It is Keith's baby. And I can't wait to try it out too! Now this computer is an example of overkill if you ask me. Something that does everything but cook your supper? It has an answering machine, telephone conferencing, microphone, VIDEO capacity (sorry for shouting, I find this concept really fun, but scary) and so many bells and whistles I am almost afraid of the thing. And all we were after in acquiring this new item was more memory and speed. But we have a new 'toy' now. And what amazes me is you can even hook up your videocam (you don't need any special camera, etc.) and see yourself on the screen. Scary thought. ......... No! I will not be broadcasting live! No! But on the other hand - it could really come in handy to use at Dad's. Food for thought. I really would like to catch that......
It started raining Saturday and then turned very cold Saturday night. The wind started Sunday and has not yet subsided. I am freezing and can't get warm. It is that damp cold I hate so much! I love the crisp stuff. But this is Texas, I keep telling myself. What does one expect? We are not tropical and lovely like Florida and not cold and clean like Montana. I want to get some wood this weekend end to get the fireplace going. I am so desperate for some diversion, some "homey" activities.
I probably ought to admit, and post to the journal this last thought. I will not be posting again for probably a week. With the new computer at home and very tempermental, and the old computer not yet reset in its new location - working at home is very unlikely to happen. And now, with work having turned an ugly face (did I mention I did not even stop for lunch today?), I don't see getting this up during the day! So I had best admit defeat and accept that I won't be posting for awhile. Otherwise, I worry about this site constantly. I almost feel like it is my child and requires constant nurturing, etc., and when I don't give it - Yuck! what an awful feeling.
So goodbye electronic world- I will be back shortly! And maybe by the time I return, I will have figured out the great secret of life ;-) and you can bet I will share it right here!
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