My last entry (Nov. 20, 1997) had me going to the doctor's for a check up. Well - at that check up I got a needle inserted into my right hip socket. I hadn't expected the procedure. I sulked for the rest of the week.
It helped, though; enough said.
I have been very frustrated with myself trying to work out the Esosoft Listserve. It really is quite simple - I don't know exactly what's wrong with me. I think it is the title of the file that I must edit: "The Config! File". Sounds terrifying doesn't it? And I am so anxious to get the list going, but so afraid that if letters start coming in and start bouncing - I will not know how to fix the problems and the list will get bounced. I am going to work on the instructions the rest of today and come ***or high water! get this thing started tomorrow.
In actuality - the list is pretty much self-contained and could run itself as long as there are no problems. But I must feel sure and competent before venturing further. I am afraid I am hyper-cautious with most things if they may test my competency. Although I do take risks, I pretty much have studied all possible outcomes of any given action I may take. I don't like surprises. And I don't like to appear incompetent - in anything. An ego thing, I guess.
My writing (personal time) has really suffered as of late. I am not producing the quality or the kind of things that I want to, lately. I need a jump start, I think. I get a little conflicted sometimes with wanting to write and wanting to read. Reading has been taking over lately. (And of course, listening to books on tape.) I really need to join a writing group to help boot some discipline into me, but hate the process of finding one! Maybe after the holidays I will get back into a better routine.
Funny. Thinking about that "routine" and "writing group" actually gives me the creeps. If you want to see a competency issue - you should see me when I am trying to write for a final draft, especially when I must seek out, obtain, and incorporate justified criticism into my work. I am so terribly sensitive when it comes to writing or art. Now, someone could degrade (maliciously, even) my handicrafts or housekeeping ability until the cows come home and it would not bother me, but let them suggest that paragraph structure is weak..... Euwwwww! Hurts like the dickens. If it become topic or plot criticism, I must retreat and lick my wounds for at least a week. I have worked on this character flaw all my life, but I don't think I will ever change. I deal with the hurt and discomfort because, like a child who must take a bitter pill, I have been told, and know, that it is good for me. But I don't think my self-esteem will ever heal well enough for me to go through the trial without a certain amount of grief.
Holidays. My plan for the week. Work Monday and Tuesday. Monday night (tonight) stop at Pop's and pick up turkey, go home thaw turkey in fridge and clean my plants. (Artificial plants - they collect dust - quickly!) Tuesday, get through the assignment at work that was given to me today and try to survive it (more publishing/editing stuff). Go home, fix dinner (pork chops) and do the laundry. Wednesday. Take Keith to work (I am taking the day off), head back to Pop's and prepare the house for company. Bake pies and prepare relishes. Do deviled eggs. Try to sort through some of the Christmas decorations in anticipation of decorating. Push decorations into out of way corner and try to avoid the rest of the day. Drive through the worst traffic in the WORLD to pick Keith up after work (Wednesday night traffic the day before Thanksgiving tends to become impacted and stay that way on most highway arteries until well after midnight) and return to my house to clean the bathrooms so they have that "just cleaned freshness". Thursday - up early to Pop's to prepare the meal. Keith to wait at our house until assorted siblings arrive and then all will caravan over to the house.
There is really no need to explain the rest of the activities on Thanksgiving day. If you are female and have had the honor of preparing this meal and taking care of a family - you all ready know. My favorite part of the day is about 1:00 a.m the next morning when all are asleep and I can curl up with a slice of left-over pumkin pie and gob on lots of cool whip. Yes that is my favorite time to look forward to. Me and my cat will sit quietly on the sofa, me savoring every wonderfully quiet bite, and kitty licking the cream I will offer her daintily from my fingers. No noise, no dishes, no needs - just silence and pumpkin pie.
Friday will be spent entertaining our out of town guests - a true pleasure. And there will be minimal meal preps (other than a huge traditional breakfast). Maybe some shopping and then an evening to nestle in front of the T.V. to watch rented movies. Oh, gosh. I need to remember to get the movies!!!
Saturday our company will leave. I will collapse. Pop will call and need something and I will get up and go do it.
Sunday I will rest and Thank God that it is all over. Then I will remember Christmas is only three weeks away and I will start panicking again.
And your holidays-----------?
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