Simply Funny

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" says the clerk. "Would you like the bridal then?" "Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."

MOM'S DICTIONARY NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, " No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it, if you can't ignore it, top it, If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.

HOW TO HANDLE STRESS Drive to work in reverse. Dance naked in front of yours pets. Use you Mastercard to pay your Visa bill. Make a list of things you have already done. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. Find out what a frog in the blender really looks like. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. When someone says "Have a nice Day!" tell them you have other plans. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you. Go Shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day. Thumb thru National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send her off to the preschool as if nothing is wrong. Get a box of condoms- wait in line at the checkout counter and ask a cashier where fitting rooms are.

Stosh had been out of work for close to two years. Needless to say, he was getting pretty desperate for money. He decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handyman. Well, the first house he came to, a man answered the door and told Stosh, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch? "Sure, that sounds great!" said Stosh. "Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" said the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Stosh asked. "Yeah, that's great. You'll find all the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife, who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does he know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well he must, he was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Stosh knocked on the door. "I'm all finished, "he told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Stosh replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Stosh. "Oh, by the way," said Stosh as he pocketed the money, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!"

A True Story... Scientists at NASA have developed a gun whose purpose is to launch dead chickens. It's used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets and the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity. As such, it simulates the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, thereby determining if the windshields are strong enough. British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test it out on the windshield of their new high speed trains. However, upon firing it, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the train engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions. The NASA scientists sent back a three-word response: "Thaw the chicken."

The Top 10 Signs You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day
10. Your important dictation somehow seems to go "blah blah blah I am a slave driving dick." 9. A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk. 8. When did FTD start doing a "Screw You" Bouquet? 7. It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup. 6. Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark. 5. Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation. 4. Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tightass." 3. That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam, and a personal appearance on Ricki Lake's "I'm A Selfish Pig" episode. 2. New org chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass." and the Number 1 Sign You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day... 1. Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with denied charges for "beer & hookers."

REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. 2. My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry 3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 5. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it .... She moved in with me 6. Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95? 7. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job" Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question # 5, "I don't know". You put down "Neither do I ".

10 warning signs you are married to a cop
10. When you start an argument, he calls for back-up 9. Refers to bedroom as "The Poky" 8. Secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie 7. Calls farting his "silent alarm" 6. The obvious night-stick reference. 5. You never hear him say, " OH, Man.... not donuts again !!" 4. Refers to his winkie as "the ol' breathalyzer!" 3. Stops you in the middle of sex to ask you if you knew how fast you were going. 2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore. 1. YES, that IS a gun in his pocket !!

Bill & Hillary had Al & Tipper Gore over for dinner at the White House. In the middle of dinner, Al excused himself to use the bathroom., After a couple of minutes, he came back. They finished dinner and left. On the way home, Al turned to Tipper and said, "Did you know Bill has got a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? "How can we tell the American people, we are serious about cutting the budget when the President has a solid-gold urinal?" Tipper said, "There must be some mistake, I'll call Hillary when we get home and findout." They get home and she calls Hillary and says, "Is it true that Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom?" Hillary put her hand over the receiver and says, "Bill!!! I found out who peed in your Saxophone!"

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