June 4, 1998 Lately I'm feeling a bit frustrated and pissed. Ugghhh! I'm so tired of living where I do. I want out and in my own place. I'm getting a bit sick of feeling like I don't have a brain of my own and that I'm a kid. I'm especially upset at D. It has been months (literally since right before Christmas) that I was treated by D. as an adult and more than a stranger. That is what I feel like around D. Less than at times. Since D. will joke around with strangers, but D. doesn't do that with many any longer. I've discussed it with Victoria and she and I have been working to clear out the negative messages I receive and take to heart. My self-esteem needs building and instead of blowing it off I will get upset and internalize the messages I receive. Now I just need to find a way out of letting it roll off me. I just feel so emotionally manipulated and don't want to do the same thing. At this point, I figure D. will need to do some major mending with me before I will feel better about our relationship. That leads me to why I'm so pissed. I've been bad at taking my meds (Victoria knows) and I think my moods are starting to undergo an exaggeration. I haver resolved to be good about it again. It is just hard to take pills 3 times a day every day. I used to have enough of a problem with just taking pills once a day. Oh well. I've been singing around the house and my voice is much stronger than it was months ago. I'm hitting the high knows and with some power. It is fab! It feels really good! Why am I jabbering? I have nothing more to add.