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Dec. 6/89
Jan 15, 1997 Throughout high school, I remember feeling like a nobody most of the time. As if I was one of the most unloved people on the face of this earth. God, I sometimes wondered whether that was because of me or because I really was that way. It’s almost as if… people ignored me. Just didn’t bother trying to talk to me or didn’t want to have anything to do with me. If they did talk to me, it seemed to me that many of them were extremely condescending. As if they were giving me a privilege of talking to them.
Grade 11 was probably the most painful when, due to my decision to try something new. The O.E program, I decided to go into a class where none of my friends were. I was "out of my clique" as it were. Why was I so hurt by the fact that I was so alone? I was always the last one chosen for anything that required partners. I always needed to try extra hard if I wanted to do anything I wanted to do. It seemed almost like, anything I did was automatically dubbed a bad idea because I did it. The Outdoor education trips were the worst. You know, I’m sure because I talked to you so much then. Most of the nights when people gathered around the campfire, I always felt so out-of-place, that I wandered off into the field behind the camp or whatever to talk to you. When others did the meal for our particular meal group, everyone stuck around to help, but when it was my turn, they would go off and talk to somebody else and leave me to do everything. I talked to you then.
A few teachers noticed. Mr. Wilson pointed it out every once in a while, but I he never said anything about it. He never did anything about it. I suppose it would have hurt more if he did. The fact that he actually mentioned it like he had just noticed it to me that night I did the dishes alone, hurt me a lot. I couldn’t even keep from crying in front of him
The thing is…. Though now that I look back at it after all this distance, I don’t know. I want to know if it was really me. Just me. Was it all in my head? Did the rejection start as a seed in my brain? What I mean is, was the fact that no one really talked to me due to the fact that I didn’t "join in" enough? And so, when I realized my position and tried to rectify it, it was too late? I have often thought about that. The loneliness still hurts, and I am unable to let it go. I don’t know why. Things just aren’t clear.
I know that there are many times when I feel rejected. Whether it is due to my own psyche or not is a different matter, I suppose. When I feel rejected, I put myself down and end by feeling even worse about myself. I suppose this is not what you meant when you said "poor in spirit" in the Beatitudes. I know that I sometimes hate myself, and I want to apologize for it. One’s body is your temple, and when one hates oneself and does oneself harm, one defaces Your temple. Your place. I am sorry because in hating my self, I also turn myself away from you. I wan Lead me back, and forgive me for my awful ways. Show me, and let me remember all the good things there are about me as well. I know I have faults, but let me see the good things in me as well always. Let me love myself (thought ,knot in excess)/. Help me to see beauty in me, because only then can I see the beauty in others so that I can love them and You even more,.
Jan 16, 1997
I want to thank you for many things, God. Thank you for the beautiful things there are everywhere! I saw a tourist video for Canada yesterday and there, featured on the screen as I walked past the TV in the department store as a breathtaking panorama of the Rock Mountains. I almost forgot about that. In Grade 11, you gave me so many beautiful views to see. I almost forgot that when I did wander away from the campfire, and into the field, I could see the mountains against the light of a full moon. It was so bright that I didn’t even need the flashlight I brought with me. The alpine meadow stretched away for at least a km. Little paths were carved into the grass and the mounds of spongy moss by previous campers and animals. The mountains were so large. Gray and silent and still, they stood against the backdrop of deep purple sky. You could barely make out the stars, but the moon was huge and it shone so beautifully, making everything softer and silver, like a ice land. Frosty almost. But it wasn’t. It was a cool October night. All that was needed really was a sweater and a light coat . I remember walking over the meadow, and my heart left behind it’s sorrow and felt like it would burst though my chest from sheer exhilaration. I felt that You were with me then. Sometimes, I remember so much the pain and the awfulness of the whole year, I forget the scenery. The beautiful things You made for me to see. Around me everywhere, was a constant reminder that You were always there, and that You would never abandon me. Every time I remember Your love for me and everyone, I hurt inside and feel an exhilaration that makes me want to sing.
Thank you for the mountains, God. And thank you for all the things you’ve given me. Thank you for the sight to see the multitudes of stars, the bright, silver mystery of the full moon, the majesty of the mountains, and the beauty that is everywhere in nature. Thank you for the ears to hear the birds and the squirrels and other mountain animals chattering away to each other. Thank you for the crisp morning air that greets one, and the warmth of the day and the freshness of the mountain air. And thank you! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see it even despite my loneliness.
I know You love me, and I marvel in the wonder of it everyday.
Jan 17, 1997
Sometimes, I wonder about the talents you gave each and every single one of us. I can’t help thinking that therein lies the hint as to what we were put here to do. I know that I have a purpose to accomplish here on earth, but I still haven’t much of a clue as to what that something is. Am I to serve the people; somehow give them what they need? Am I here to teach them about you and about the wonder of everything You gave us? Am I here to spread joy and happiness through music? Am I here to help further civilization by somehow making some big discovery?
What are my talents? I know that I love music. That if music suddenly disappeared from the earth, I would suddenly croak. I can play the piano, sing (not extremely well, but I can keep a tune more or less), and (if I really concentrate on it) dance. I have an extremely creative side. I love to create things: drawings, stories, poetry, songs. I plan all these projects out, but I never ever have the stamina or the patience to finish them.
I am fairly good at math and science. It takes me a little longer to grasp certain concepts at times, but I can usually figure things out. It always feels good when I have managed to solve a problem despite how long it took me.
When I am not completely swamped by work, I have a very sunny personality. Many people call me "perky". Mother says that I bring sparkle to some people’s lives.
Yet, I know that I have some very fundamental faults that seem to keep me from rising up into much of anything. I know I am fundamentally lazy, and I don’t like to do things that constitute more than the average amount of work. If a project is fun, then I will attack it wholeheartedly, but if not, I always leave until the last minute. I also get impatient and frustrated easily, and then the temptation to give up is so strong. Help me to conquer these faults, God. I know that if I ever want to find out what You want me to do here on earth, I have to overcome the great obstacles in my personality. Guide me and let me work hard and diligently. It’s extremely hard to juggle having a social life and getting involved in school things and school work, but don’t ever let the latter slide. Help me to organize my priorities the right way so that I can build myself into a stronger, more defined person. The Me You meant me to be.
Jan 18, 1997
Thank you for this new freedom You’ve given me, God. The freedom that I’ve found in coming here to McGill. High school was not a fun time for me, but I got through it well enough. I remember my first few months here. I do still talk about home a lot, and I got incredibly homesick for a while, but when that passed, all I could feel was a deep and endless happiness. It was such a deep rooted feeling. When I felt it the first time and recognized it, it seems to me that I have never felt that happy before. Not deeply or fundamentally happy. I walk down the streets singing anytime I go anywhere. I feel that exhilaration that I felt whenever I looked out into an alpine scene and breathed it’s fresh, clean air. Given that Montreal is a far cry from that pureness of nature. In fact, I think that it’s the farthest things from nature that I’ve ever seen! But still, there’s a sense in me. Like a big weight has been lifted off my chest. I can be myself here. I can be as strange as I want, but that won’t mean I’m rejected. I don’t need to worry about what others think of me here. At least, not until I go for my first job interview.
Thank you for this happiness, God. Thank you for letting me see Me again after so many years of being lost under Somebody Else’s standards. I do believe I’m getting to know myself again, and I think I like what I see. I know sometimes, I’m, still incredibly selfish, irresponsible, and sometimes, just plain mean. These are things that I have to fix, but with you on my side, I know I can do it. Just please, give me the will power,. The willpower I have now is like butter. I have so many good intentions, but often, they just melt away once a little heat is applied. Sometimes, I don’t think I deserve all the good things You’ve given me, God. But Thank you. Thank you for all of them.
Jan 19, 1997
For years, I remember being so directionless about what religion is and what I should believe. So many of the things I based my principles on were not what the Church said was right. The Church and My mother is a very staunch believer in life and is therefore against abortion. I am very much pro-choice. I know that if I ever got pregnant by accident, I would never get an abortion. I couldn’t. I can’t even kill a lousy spider. But I believe that sometimes, if the girl really wants to get an abortion, and it would be beneficial to her health, and her life, maybe she should.
I have always been out here reaching, God. The things the priest said during the Homily at mass never really rang true for me. Most of what he said anyway. Other times, he just read the readings over again in his own words. Then, it was like water off a ducks back for me. I didn’t learn anything from what he said. I never got inspiration. I suppose that the lack of direction in my religion also had something to do with the lack of self knowledge. I didn’t even know who I was myself. How could I possibly fathom what it was I believed in. I suppose that everyone reaches this point in their lives at some time. Many turn away from You then, and it must be discouraging at times. Still, You reach out and call to each of us by name and try to draw us back to Your fold. That’s somehow, so wonderful: that no matter how often we turn away, You always are there, ready to take us back when we need You.
Although my way is still not very clear, I am nearer to You now than I ever was before, I think. I believe, and I love You. So much that it hurts. I want to become a better Christian, God, but it is so hard. It is hard to know what is good and what isn’t. Many times, I don’t know if, in disagreeing with some of the doctrines of the Church, I make myself any less Christian. But at the same time, I recall the words on a Christmas card that I read: "God made so many different types of people. Why then would He want us to worship Him in only one way?" That makes sense. Everyone should worship in the way they believe. In the way that agrees with their principles. (provided they don’t clash.) Help me to see this, but never let this be an excuse for slacking in my duty towards You.
Jan 20, 1997
I read a beautiful piece about Love and You, God. It was a beautiful piece of literature. It started out saying how we always are looking for that "special someone" in our lives, how we long for the perfect love and seek to give ourselves wholly and exclusively to another person. And then it says that until we are able to be satisfied with being loved wholly and exclusively by You, until we stop looking without and start looking within at the things You have given us and allow ourselves to be loved without longing and desire, only then will we find what we want the most. For the love and relationship we hold with each other is but a physical, material representation of the love You share with us.
I thought it was beautiful. And it holds a lot of truth. What is love but the encompassment of everything good in a person? And everything that is good is Yours to give away. You are the representation of everything that is eternally good. So Love and You are almost synonymous. Of everyone anywhere, You love me the most (and all Your children; everything You create!), and You care about what happens to me the most. Other people may care, but al the same time, there is a selfishness involved in that care. They want to be well so that you can be with them, or do things for them. They don’t know what they’d do without you. It is meant well, but there is always something there for them as well as you. But You care about us so much, You were willing to sacrifice Your only son for our sins and our benefit. There is nothing really that You could ever get out of it. Except perhaps love, but what You receive of us, You return a hundred-fold. So when we are willing to die to ourselves and be with You, we come as close to loving You with the same intensity as we possibly can. And when we are willing to allow You into our lives are we entirely transformed into something of that goodness that You personify.
And when we have that fundamental goodness, then can we truly appreciate love in another person. Only then can love be rewarding for both of us. Physical attraction isn’t necessary. And so many people confuse love with sexual desire! But when we experience the love of God, we know what it is to be truly loved and to love another person. Only then will it last.
I like to think too that there is one person that You have found out there for each of us here on earth. It’s almost as if, in order to ensure that we are never alone, You made someone especially compatible for each of us. It’s just a matter of time before we find each other and can be together.
Thank you for love, God. And let me learn to be unselfish about love to You and to those around me.
Jan 22, 1997
Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me for all the times I have fallen short of my side of the bargain. There are many times when I am mean to my friends, and I may push it too far. I often say things that are meant to hurt, God, but I never apologize. My pride won’t allow to admit that I am wrong. I can also be extremely selfish, God. Selfish to the point where my world entirely revolves around me. I always gripe about my day, but I never stop to listen when someone else does. They ask about how I’[m doing and I talk all about the things I did and what I thought, and how I suffered. But I never ask them about their day. I never ask them how things are going for them. While I can’t think of a time when I have purposely gone out of my way not to help anyone without good reason, I know that I don’t give enough of myself to people. Sometimes, I don’t listen to what they are saying, and maybe that shoulder that I can supply or that ear I can lend is the only thing they need right then.
Help me to become a better person, God. Let me love others more, for through loving them, I can prove how much I love You. It’s not easy, though. It never is, but let me try, and help me to go through with it. Let me reflect on what it is to be a good Christian, and follow through on it. I know that there is more than just praying and going to Church every Sunday. (though I know that sometimes, I don’t even do THAT!) Let me look inside myself to the good things that You have given me, and let me share some of that goodness with others.
But God, what of the beggars on the street. There are so many of them, and they all want money. Many of them just spend it on alcohol, but some truly need food. All of them do! I can pray for them as I walk by, though I don’t know how much that will do. Is there some way to help them pick up and turn around again? I cannot help every single one of them. And yet, I feel so guilty turning away from them. Shield them, God. Shield them and bring them to Your heart so that they may get out of the cold and into a life of relative comfort.
Amen.
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