Paying Student Fees: The Ordeal

Written 10/7/97 by Kat Lai

FADE FROM BLACK TO: University Library (STUDENT is at desk ready to take out a book. LIBRARIAN takes card and checks the computer. He gives it back.) LIBRARIAN: I'm sorry, you can’t take out that book. STUDENT: What? But I need it for my research project! LIBRARIAN: I don’t care if you need it to save the world. You’re not taking out that book. STUDENT: Something wrong with the book? LIBRARIAN: (as if student has committed a blasphemy) Of course not! Something’s wrong with you! STUDENT: ‘Scuse me? LIBRARIAN: Your student fees are way overdue. You can’t take out another book until you pay them. STUDENT: Okay, how much do I owe? LIBRARIAN: You can't pay them here, you have to pay at the Administration Building. STUDENT: Damn. Well, can you at least reserve the book for me for a few days? LIBRARIAN: Sure. STUDENT: Thanks. (STUDENT walks away. LIBRARIAN waits till he is gone, then chucks book in the "return" bin.) LIBRARIAN: Next! CUT TO: Administration office. We see some students in line in front of the counter. Most of them are either sleeping, covered with cobwebs, or are skeletons. Some are sprawled out on the ground, others leaning on each other for support. There is one ATTENDANT at the counter, though there are five or six partitions. ATTENDANT: I SAID, next!!!!!! (Second person in line nudges first person who starts awake, takes a little while to get oriented, then goes to the counter. Line shifts forward. Some people picking up others and moving them, or just stepping over them. Meanwhile, our STUDENT walks in. He goes to the end of the line.) STUDENT: (to last person in line) Excuse... Eeeeeeeiiiiiuuuuuu..... (as he and the audience find out that it is a skeleton.) Never mind... (He settles down to wait with a sigh. Attention shifts to clock on the wall. The theme to Jeopardy starts up) ****THREE HOURS (or so) LATER**** STUDENT is somewhere near the middle of the line. He is reading the small print on a miscellaneous form. His clothes are dusty. ****TWO HOURS LATER**** STUDENT is starting to converse with skeleton. Cobwebs beginning to form. ****FINALLY...**** ATTENDANT: NEXT!!! (STUDENT jolts forward like he has been asleep.) STUDENT: Hi. I would like... ATTENDANT: What’s your name and student number? STUDENT: Uh... (name), number (ID) ATTENDANT: Whaddaya want? STUDENT: I just want to pay my student fees. ATTENDANT: You don’t do that here. STUDENT: But I... ATTENDANT: You have to go to the Student Fees office. STUDENT: ...Oh... ATTENDANT: NEXT!!! STUDENT: Wait... where... ATTENDANT: I SAID, NEXT!!!!!!!! (STUDENT leaves, wandering aimlessly down corridors. SOMEONE passes by.) STUDENT: Excuse me, where’s the Fees Office? SOMEONE: Go back down the hall towards the Registration Office, then climb the first set of stairs you see to the second floor. There are signs. You can’t miss. STUDENT: Thanks. FADE TO: Student Fees office. There is no one in the room except a GIRL is sitting at a desk a little ways behind the counter. She is talking on the phone, obviously a social call. STUDENT walks up to the counter. GIRL: So then he says, "Well, whaddaya say, baby?" And I say, "Look tell you what: you let go of my dog’s throat, and I’ll consider putting you down..." STUDENT: (clears throat) GIRL: You think so? I’m beginning to think I was a little harsh... STUDENT: Excuse me? GIRL: (ignoring him) Well, I dunno, you really think I should dump him? STUDENT: HelLO!!! GIRL: (Puts up a finger to tell him to wait a second.) Yeah, I guess you're right. It's just not doing it for me anymore, ya know? So anyway, about that party last night... STUDENT: (starts jumping up and down and waving arms) HELLO!!!!!!!! GIRL: (looks up at him, then says into phone) Look, there’s someone here. I’ll call you tonight, okay? Alright. See ya! (she hangs up then turns to Student) Yes? STUDENT: I would like to pay my student fees? GIRL: Oh, you’re too late. We're closing for the day. Why don’t you come back tomorrow, and we’ll deal with it then. STUDENT: But, I’ve waited all day! GIRL: That’s too bad, but the fact is, we’ve just closed. STUDENT: Well, I had to wait till you got off the phone! Besides, I'm here, and you're still here. Come on, it can't take long. GIRL: I can't, I'm sorry. Look, come in tomorrow at eight, and we’ll help you out then. Sorry about that. STUDENT: It’s fine. It’s just fine. ****NEXT DAY**** Student Fees office, 8:00 am. GIRL from yesterday and another LADY are at the desks behind the counter. Student enters and approaches desk. STUDENT: Hi! GIRL: (calling from desk) Good morning. May I help you? STUDENT: I’d like to pay my student fees. GIRL: Do you still have any fee remittance slips? STUDENT: I don’t think so... GIRL: Okee dokee... (She moves to behind counter and pulls out a form. She hands it to the STUDENT.) GIRL: Fill this form out and take it to your bank. You can forward the payment from there. (STUDENT had started to fill it out, then hears what she says and stops.) STUDENT: What? GIRL: I said, fill... STUDENT: I walked into Administration, waited a whole day, got turned away at closing time BY YOU, and all you had to give me was a FORM??? GIRL: Well... STUDENT: Why couldn’t you just give it to me yesterday??? GIRL: We were closed. STUDENT: All you had to do was give me a FORM! GIRL: (as if talking to a raving lunatic) The hours on our door say 8:30-5:00. You should have come in between those hours. STUDENT: I did c...(ome before 5) GIRL: If we stretch those hours for you, we’d have to do it for everyone! I’m sorry. STUDENT: Well, then why can’t I at least pay it here? GIRL: You can’t do that. It’s our new poli...(cy.) STUDENT: But I’m HERE! GIRL: (firmly) And I’m giving you what you need to pay AT THE BANK. (STUDENT and GIRL glare at each other for a minute. Then...) STUDENT: Oh, it... (STUDENT grabs slip and storms out.) silence. LADY: Shouldn’t you have told him he can only pay from one of two banks in Montreal? GIRL: (returning to her desk) Who cares? If he’s gonna walk around with THAT attitude, let him find out for himself. BLACK OUT.

 

 

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