From the Heart and Other Places

Written by Kat Lai

For all those who know me and are wondering: no, chances are these poems are not about you (unless otherwise specified). No, I am not going to tell you who they are about. No, chances are that this is not about whoever you're guessing it is about either.  :)  Stop wondering and enjoy them for what they're worth.

 

The Grand Mistake

 For the first boyfriend I ever had

I try to write
But the words don't come
I try to call
But can't find the courage
I've finally realized
The Grand Mistake I made
But how can I apologize?

You were once my dearest friend
One who loved
And wanted love in return
But I could never give it to you
I was confused
Scared
Then I fled
Leaving shattered dreams behind
But now I've grown
And now I've realized
The Grand Mistake I made
I want to apologize

But what can it do?
Open the wound again
Tearing away the tissue
Until you cry in pain
It would never heal
The torture I bore on you
So now I torture myself
And hope time will heal
The Grand Mistake I made
For which you had to pay

      -December 1993


Caged
How like a bird
A free, free bird
Was I
Until he came
Captivated by my rarity

Now I lived caged
Unable to fly free
As I once did
And I fear for my future
Of facing only him

When I lived free
Free as the sky
I soared above the trees
Looking down
On the world below
Then he lured me away
And I loved him for it

But now I dream
Of the forests I once knew
And the many thousands of trees
That I could see before

Now he chains me to one
And I must face it
Caged
For the rest of my life.

      -June 1992


Why?

 Gotta love them adolescent boys

Why'd you have to tell them?
'Twas wrong of you to do;
Now they've made what's beautiful
So ugly, cold and cruel.

Now everybody's going to know.
Please tell me why you do it.
Is it because I'm special to you,
Or did you think that through it

You'd get whatever it is you want
At an expense of mine?
I sometimes wish I knew what you
Were thinking half the time!

Do you really like me?
Or is it just a dream?
Are you playing a trick on me?
Or are you what you seem?

      -February 1991


Chameleon

 Her eyes
Friendly and kind
Fill me with trust
She cares about me
She understands all
Her voice fills a void
And we laugh
We are friends

Her eyes
Determined and closed
Trusting no one at all
She wants number one
She'll do anything to be there
She will lead me astray
and apologize later
We are rivals

Her eyes
Indifferent and strange
Make me a victim
She twists a knife in my back
All respect turning to meaningless dust
I stand behind
feeling betrayed
We are enemies

      -April 1994


Talk
I see you from across the room
With him again
Clinging to him, your last
Life saver in a sea of trouble
Now you are silent
Holding on for life
For fear death may come
in an instant

I see you standing in front of me
Talking again
Words pour from your mouth
A broken spout gushing away
Unstoppable
So held up in your own merriment
That you don't sense the pain
of those around you

I see you still in the front of my mind
Laughing again
You past achievements flaunted
like medals on your shoulder
You are talking still
Shutting out pain with words
Hiding behind your oral shield
Unwilling to listen
Unwilling to share pain
Leaving me bewildered
Lost in a jungle of words

      -April 1994


Treasure

For my grandmother on her 70th birthday

Happy birthday!
A present is handed to you.
You open it,
And a chest is revealed.
It seems familiar
As if you had seen it before,
But you know you have never seen it
      And yet...

You lift the lid
And peer inside.
There is nothing at all to be seen.
You reach in
But feel nothing.
It seems the chest is empty

      And yet...

You look again,
And you are surprised to see
your own face.
Suddenly you can see
Your decisions,
Your accomplishments;
Suddenly you can feel
All the joy and pain,
Laughter and sadness,
Anger and patience,
Love and bitterness,
That you remember sensing
All those years before.
It seems so long ago.
The past seems so far away.
You begin to think you turn old too fast

      And yet...

You look around you,
And see all that your life has brought:
Your children,
And grandchildren,
Happiness and love;
Treasures beyond wealth.
But sometimes,
You wish for the old days.
You wish to be young again,
To start life afresh.
You want a new beginning

      And yet...

      -October 1992

 


 

 

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Dec. 6/89

© Kat Lai, 2002.
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