Head Vs. Heart

Head Vs. Heart

Written June 26, 2003
by Kat Lai

Based loosely on personal experience. Please read the disclaimer before continuing.

Heart is singing. Head approaches.
Head: Um, Heart? ... Heart? ... Yeah, hi. No, no. Over here. This way. Hi.
Heart: Oh hello, Head! It's been a while.
Head: Well, yes and no. But it's about time we had a little talk.
Heart: Oh? What about?
Head: Well... It's about that guy that you're... you know... after.
Heart: (sighs) He's wonderful, isn't he?
Head: Well, you know, "wonderful" is such a relative term.
Heart: He's cute, he's smart, he's into music, he's talented, he's such a gentleman, and he has this wonderful sense of humour....
Head: What sense of humour? The man is a walking 2 by 4!
Heart: He is not!
Head: No, you're right. A 2 by 4 has more personality.
Heart: Be fair! I mean, look, he's into outdoor sports and hiking, ...
Head: He's selfish, immature, doesn't know how to deal with women, least of all us, and "newflash!" We have nothing in common.
Heart: What are you talking about? Yes, we do! There's the aforementioned outdoor sports and hiking. We read the same books, like more or less the same music, same general malaise towards politics, and I'm sure that he'd be game for karaoke if we asked him.
Head: Okay, about the karaoke thing? Very few guys willingly sing in public, so don't get your hopes up.
Heart: Some of our guy friends have.
Head: Yeah, but they were either Chinese and into that sort of thing or they were drunk. Look, can we get back to the topic at hand here?
Heart: Well, how do you know he wouldn't be into it?
Head: I don't, but I have a feeling, okay? Again, back on topic? Please?
Heart: Well, I think...
Head: Actually, the problem is that you sort of don't. Which is why I'm here.
Heart: I do too think! And I think that he's the ONE!
Head: ... Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution rests.
Heart: What?
Head: The ONE???
Heart: Yeah, the ONE. He's perfect for us! What's wrong with that?
Head: To answer that, let's look at your past history of "Ones", shall we?
Heart: Oh, here we go.
Head: Dog-boy: the four-hour fling. "Special": the guy who turned out to be gay. Retrohair: whom our parents thought was a eunich. Frat-boy: do we even need to get into Frat-boy?
Heart: Okay, okay...
Head: And that's not even talking about the ones we've DATED.
Heart: OKAY!!! So, I've jumped to a few conclusions, and made a few bad choices.
Head: Yeah, if by "few", you mean "all".
Heart: Nuh uh. Not "all"! What about IdealGuy?
Head: IdealGuy? Are we still dating him?
Heart: Well, no...
Head: And that makes him "The One"...how?
Heart: Well, you're the one who made me break up with him!
Head: Because there wasn't anything THERE anymore. I mean, it's not much of a relationship when neither person says anything or does anything whenever they're together! I mean, forget you, *I* was dying of boredom there.
Heart: But *I* was willing to stay and work it out!
Head: By retreating to a corner and hiding? How does that help? Face it, honey, he wasn't "The One".
Heart: But...
Head: Heart, the only reason why you didn't dump him on your own is because you didn't want to hurt him. Right or wrong?
Heart: Okay, okay. Fine. I'm a big softy. Blah blah blah. But THIS time, I know I'm right. I have this feeling about it. This time, it's different.
Head: It's always different. You always say that. When are you going to fragging listen to me???
Heart: Give me one reason why he's not "The One".
Head: I can give you a whole bunch. One: we've never been able to have more than 30 minutes of solid conversation at a time. Why? Because Two: we don't have enough in common. Three: He never calls us or sends e-mails. Or when he does send e-mails, they're short one-liners in response to something we sent him. AND he responds about a month or more later. Four: Our personality and his are at polar ends of the spectrum. Five: There's the whole differences in religion thing and the culture thing. And Six: I don't think he's mature enough or patient enough to handle us when we're at our worst. Because Seven: he's kind of self-involved.
Heart: Okay, in order, One: No, we don't have more than 30 minutes of solid conversation at a time, but that's because we won't know each other that well yet, but we'll get there. Two: We have enough in common, as I pointed out so clearly before. Three: uh... What was Three?
Head: Never calls...
Heart: Right! Three: True, he doesn't send a lot of e-mails or call, but he's not that type of person. Besides, he always comes out when we suggest a get-together, AND it's not like we call him a lot either. Four: Two words: Opposites. Attract. Five: Culture can be dealt with while dating, if we ever get there and religion is a bridge we'll cross if we get more serious. And ...um... I knew there was a couple more...
Head: Six: He couldn't handle us...
Heart: We don't know that. For all we know, maybe he could.
Head: What about seven?
Heart: ... Okay, I'll give you that one. But you know, isn't everyone a little self-involved? I mean, when we start talking, it's just on and on all about us.
Head: Granted, but if he was any more self-involved, he'd be writing, directing, starring in and producing a mini-series about himself.
Heart: Your problem is that you just don't give people a chance.
Head: And your problem is that you never listen to me!
Heart: Look, if I listened to you every single time you started laying into a guy, we'd be old, and alone. With cats.
Head: No, we wouldn't. We're allergic to cats.
Heart: But you get my point. You're always saying "This guy is wrong for us because, that guy is wrong for us because." Well, what about the things about that guy and this guy that are *right* for us? I mean, no one's gonna be a perfect match, right? We gotta look for what's close enough.
Head: Uh huh. And by "close enough", do you mean "This guy is pretty close to what I'm looking for. Sure he's not perfect, but who is?" or do you mean your version of "close enough" which amounts to "Ooh! He was nice to me! He's The ONE!"
Heart: I do not do that.
Head: One word: MrNiceGuy. Or how about another word? FriendlyColleague. Or LadiesMan or Blabbermouth, or PlatonicKing or...
Heart: Okay, okay.
Head: ...or for that matter this guy that you're totally obsessing over now.
Heart: Hold up. What?
Head: You've gone on this total assumption that he feels the same way you do, and for the sake of argument, I've gone along with it. But in all honesty, what proof do you have that's he's interested in us? And I don't mean proof that you've twisted around to suit your own wishful thinking.
Heart: Oh, and you're so sure he's not?
Head: You know the Eyes? Directly connected to me.
Heart: The Eyes don't tell you everything, you know.
Head: You mean like how he hasn't made any effort to keep in touch with us in a month...
Heart: I've TOLD you! He's not that type...
Head: Uh huh. Or how the last time we hung out with him and our friends, he hardly said two words to us all evening.
Heart: True, but I caught him looking at us! Lots of times!
Head: Oh, sorry. We can break out the wedding banns now because HE LOOKED AT US!!!
Heart: Shut up.
Head: Look, I appreciate that you have very deep feelings about this guy. But really, he's not right for us, and that's all there is to it. Look, there are lots of guys out there, and I'm sure there's one who would fit with us better. I'm not saying give up. I'm just saying that we should let go of this particularly silly pipe dream and keep looking.
Heart: Uh huh. And every time I find someone, you'll jump right in and bash him to bits.
Head: Well, it'd help if you submitted to me for approval before diving head first into the True-Love-Forever pool.
Heart: Oh, like you're such a expert on love?
Head: Okay, I will concede that maybe, MAYBE, you have more experience than me in that area. But. I'm infinitely more qualified to decide on who's good for us in the long run.
Heart: Booooooorrrrrrring.....
Head: And this? Is why our relationships never last. Sweet Johnny H, what is it going to take for me to get THROUGH to you???
Heart: How 'bout if you listen to me for a change?
Head: I ALWAYS listen to you, which is precisely the problem! But not this time, ok? I am putting my foot down. I am drawing the line.
Heart: A compromise then. We continue to be friends with him, and we make more effort to get in touch with him. That way, you get to know him better, and judge him more thoroughly. Deal?
Head: I've already done that. I gathered a ton of info while you were sitting there dreaming. I've done a very thorough analysis already. I'm giving you my expert opinion!
Heart: But how much time have we spent with him on more than just a casual or group basis? Huh? I'm talking personal contact here. One-on-one. Look, you're not gonna convince me based on what little you have. Based on my own take on the matter, he is so right for me. If we got to know him better, you'd see it too.
Head: And meanwhile, you'd get to continue dreaming and obsessing over him.
Heart: Hey, it's what I do best! But if you do this, then I promise not try not to interfere with you. Okay?
Head: I'll probably regret this, but okay. So long as you promise to abide by my final decision.
Heart: You're the boss.
Head: And I get full gloating rights.
Heart: Now, you're pushing it.
Head: Full. Gloating. Rights.
Heart: Okay, okay! Fine! But you get off my back in the meantime.
Head: Consider me dismounted.
Heart: Okay then.
(They shake on it.)
Heart: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a few fantasies to weave.
Head: Fine, fine. Just don't you start projecting them at me, or I'll be down here like the angel of doom on your ass, do you hear me? I said, do you hear me???
(But Heart is singing and doesn't pay attention. Head gives up with a sigh and leaves.)

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