not quite a goodbye 12 / 13 / 97 I have had see-sawing thoughts for a while about my on-line journal and my web page as a whole. Not long ago, I wrote that I had decided not to write about really personal matters, and I deleted and edited some entries. This week I've felt the need to write about things which are really personal; some of my fears, insecurities, etc. have floated to the surface. I need to deal with those things, and writing them out is one method I use. However, I feel like I can't or shouldn't be open in this journal. I thought about moving my journal to give me more privacy, and not advertise it through rings as I have done. A related conflict I've felt with this journal is telling people I know about my home page. I want my friends to see my creation, but I don't always feel like sharing some thoughts with them. Not that I want to be secretive or want to hide things from them. Most of what I write (or have written) in regards to personal matters has come up in conversations with friends, or it is not something I'd mind sharing. However, sharing over a webpage is not a way I want to share personal things with them. I'd rather talk to them, either on the phone or in person, if I have something personal to share. I've thought about creating a separate page for people I know to see. But I'd want to use some of the same content that is here, like my lists of favorite things and my list of quotes by women. These solutions -- keeping a separate page or separate journal, moving my journal -- would create too much duality, too much of a divided feeling in me. So, what I'm taking a long time to say is, this journal will be ending. By the time this has been posted, most of my journal entries will be gone. I plan to keep some entries, perhaps in a different form, so old entries will reappear. It may take a few days: I am finishing the semsester this week, and having surgery at the end. Then it's off to my parents' house to recooperate and for Christmas. After that, I'll be packing up to move to a new town to start a new job in the new year. I could have waited to make the changes in this site until I get settled, but I want to start now. I also plan to post new writings on my page, but they won't be as frequent. For that reason, I'm considering a notify list. I probably won't call it a journal, then again maybe I will. No need to get bogged down in semantics at this point. I have left my original reasons for posting my journal on my site; a few other entries referenced in my bio remain too. Things have changed since I began this journal. I guess this entry is the reflection of that, although it isn't complete. I have tried different methods of writing, including keeping a paper journal, which has been very sporadic for years, and attending a weekly writing practice group, which I did for over two years. I have never kept a daily journal on paper regularly for a long length of time. I think that's what I want to try now. I have enjoyed and have benefitted from this journal, but I want a change. My journal will be moving, but not to another website. It will be moving to a blank book that is halfway filled with drawings, magazine cutouts, and words. home