|
|
Breaking the
Cycle of Abuse
This is
not an easy subject to tackle. I do not have all of the answers
and in many cases, it is beneficial to seek professional help
when dealing with something like this.
Disclaimer: I
am 17 years old. I am not a licensed therapist, phsychologist
or counselor. I am not qualified to give medical advice. This
is for informative purposes only!
Having said all of that, I will tell you
what I know and try to give you information to help you deal
with your own past. However, there are some very real differences
dealing with sexual, emotinal or physical abuse. Currently, this
is just a very general outline of leaving an abusive cycle. I
will try to deal with the main issues but every circumstance
is different and if I left something out that is troubling you,
I apologize.
When a person grows up being abused or
in a dysfunctional family sometimes they don't even realize that
their childhood was anything less than normal. Then they become
parents themselves and realize that something was very wrong.
Sometimes victims of abuse know exactly what was wrong all along.
In any case, I would really recommend that you speak with someone
qualified to help you sort through all of your feelings. You
may be surprised at how much better you'll feel.
It is normal to be angry at the abuser
and it is normal to be scared of doing it to your own children.
Feelings of self doubt and inadequacy often come to the surface
along with many other emotions depending on the person and the
situation.
I want you to know that it is possible
to get through all of it and to be a better person as well as
a wonderful parent. The key seems to be defining a healthy vision
of what normal should be like for you and the family you start.
I have a few suggestions to help you do that:
- Observe happy families and watch how the
members of those families treat each other. See what tone of
voice they use when they speak to each other. Pay special attention
to how the children are disciplined. Watch the children react
to their parents. You should see a bond of love and respect that
stays pretty constant despite circumstances. No family is perfect
and all families have their quirks and disagreements but it will
soon become obvious which are dysfunctional and which are healthy.
(Although please remember there are exceptions.)
- Ask yourself what kind of childhood you
want to provide for your own children and what you need to change
about your own life to accomplish that.
- Take anything from your parents and childhood
that was good and throw away everything that wasn't. For example,
if your parents yelled all the time and you want to create an
inviting atmosphere in your own home, make a promise not to yell.
Hold yourself to it and when you feel yourself raising your voice
take a time out and calm down until you can speak normally again.
If your family had a specific tradition or something you did
like, don't be afraid to pass that good to your children.
- Let go of any guilt you may have regarding
the abuse. It was not your fault! You are not a bad person
and you did not ask to be abused. In many cases of sexual abuse
the victim is told they asked for it and this is not true! Similarly,
many victims of emotional or physical abuse are told that they
pushed for it or are made to feel that if only they had been
better it wouldn't have happened. The truth is it didn't depend
on you. It never did. It depended on the abuser. You may be thinking,
"Yeah, well, you don't know what happened." You're
obviously right, I don't
know what happened
to you but I still know that it wasn't your fault.
- Last but not least, beware
of the supermom trap. You will make mistakes as a parent. You
can not give your child(ren) a perfect childhood. Giving them
everything you wanted won't fix things either. The upside is
that you can give them a good childhood and years of happy
memories. You can show them how to love and give them a solid
foundation to start a cycle of healthines. Don't be afraid to
try.
I know this just barely scratches the surface
of these issues but it's a place to start. Whatever you are faced
with, there is always a way out. Good luck!
[Index]
[Pregnancy]
[Sexuality]
[Marriage]
[Email]
|