I'm pregnant; what do I do now?

I remember it. I remember the little white stick and the pink line. I remember wondering what my parents would say. I remember wondering what my boyfriend would do. I was terrified. How could I ever take care of a baby? What would I do

Well, it doesn't hurt to know that you're not alone.

When you are pregnant, your body goes through some changes that tend to make you more emotional. One minute, you may feel trapped and cornered, the next you're fantasizing about what you'll name your baby. This is normal and it will eventually recede but for now, you will just have to put up with it. I used to wonder if I was going crazy.

When you are on a downswing, you are probably contemplating abortion or adoption, on an upswing you are probably contemplating motherhood and/or marriage. The trick is to figure out what you can live with when this is all over and it's no easy job.

I'm here to simply point out the realities and challenges each choice will bring you and it's up to you from there. You are the only person who really knows what you're going through and you are the only one who can make this choice. It helps if you take what I say and tailor it to your specific circumstance and personality.

I chose to keep my baby and marry the father. Time will tell if we were right or wrong. This is not something that I generally recommend, especially if you are 16 or younger. There are always exceptions, but generally speaking, when you're that young, you need to finish your own childhood before you can guide someone else through their's or before you can build a stable marriage. I now understand this through experience.

I thought I would find other people like me but I didn't. I did find a lot of drugged out irresponsible teen moms locked into unsatisfying and sometimes abusive marriages. :/ There are always exceptions. I fight every minute of every day to be one such exception. It's the only way I can see to make it.

Children demand all of you, every last speck, and as a parent you give it, especially when they are young. It's about sacrifice and if you aren't ready to sacrifice everything for your child, you aren't ready to have one.

So far as marriage goes, it may sound terribly romantic but the reality is so much harsher. Marriage is an every day challenge, just like parenting. It takes openness, maturity, stability, commitment, love, honesty, trust and a lot more. In short, getting married as a teen and building a strong healthy marriage is possible but not likely. You need to be reconciled to this fact before you can even begin to consider the possibility of marriage and so does your potential mate. You will have a host of other problems to consider on top of parenting and while I believe every child should have a mommy and a daddy, many times in crises pregnancy situations this is not the best way.

You also have to keep in mind - and this is something it took me a long time to understand - it does take two to make a marriage. Your partner has to match every ounce of your own determination for things to work. He has to be willing to make those sacrifices and love and cherish you. You can't make him turn into the perfect husband just by marrying him. Any bad habits that he has now will affect your marriage.

If you both consider these options and find them both impossible, there is a third option which will benefit all parties involved but also has it's own downside.

Adoption can be a wonderful blessing in a situation like this. Ideally, it allows both the mother and father to finish growing up, it allows the baby a stable home with two loving parents and it allows a childless couple an endless joy that they have probably been endlessly seeking. No doubt in most cases the adoptive parents want a baby even more than you don't want one right now.

The downside is that adoption is very emotionally painful and it is extremely hard to go through with 9 months of pregnancy ending with giving the baby to someone else.

Adoption is not what it used to be. Now the birthmother has a say in the choice of parents and sometimes the option of a sort of relationship with updates and in some cases even visitation.

I really think that you should consider this carefully and not reject it out of hand. It takes more love, maturity and courage to go through with an adoption than it does to have an abortion or in most cases, to keep the baby. I have to say that I have an endless respect for every mother who has gone this route, especially the one who gave me my husband.

The fourth and last choice to consider is having an abortion. This, like all the other choices, has it's own unique consequences. However, any upside is completely temporary. It's like suicide - a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Nothing will ever bring that baby back.br>
If you have any doubts that it is indeed a child then by all means go out and educate yourself. Get "The Miracle of Childbirth" or something. Or, if you want to dive right into the specifics of abortion stop by Silent Scream for an ultrasound of an actual abortion performed by Dr. Nathanson, former pro-abortionist. You must also understand that it's a medical procedure and with all other medical procedures it has risks.

You can't make this go away - you will carry this child for the rest of your life.

Abortion is isolating and in most circumstances becomes your 'dirty little secret', especially if your parents aren't in on it. A lot of women choose abortion because they are afraid to let others know that they are pregnant. The problem with this is that the abortion becomes a wall between you and your parents and friends. You no longer trust others because they weren't there for you in your time of need. They couldn't be, you wouldn't let them, but somehow you blame them anyway.

Another thing, abortion is almost always a painful procedure physically and it can result in infertility, death, emotional and physical scarring and/or a diagnosable disorder called Post-Abortion Syndrome (PAS) which includes a whole host of mental symptoms including depression, guilt, anxiety, anniversary reactions, thoughts of suicide, mental instability, a nearly overpowering urge to get pregnant again, nightmares, hostility, distrust, anger etc.

Some people say that this is very rare if it even exists at all but there is plenty of evidence that suggests it's more common than previously thought. Some studies estimate that up to 80-100% of post-abortive women suffered some sort of emotional trauma from mild depression to full blown attempted (even rarer succeeded) suicide. Some women felt fine up to ten or twenty years after the event only to break down or go through a period of depression seemingly without reason. I'm telling you this not to scare you but to make sure that you understand what you would be taking on.

If you are considering an abortion, I strongly suggest that you understand your choice before jumping from the frying pan to the fire. In this respect, treat it like you would any other medical procedure finding out what it is, what it costs, what are the risks and is it right for you. Read up on pregnancy and fetal development so that you know exactly what you are doing and aren't at risk for serious misgivings later in life.

Think about it this way, if seeing pictures of developing babies and realizing that you are actually stopping a beating heart with an abortion bothers you now, how much more will it bother you after it's too late? Make sure this is the best thing, don't let anyone take advantage of you.

There are tons of people who will help you through your pregnancy - I will personally put you in touch with someone if you can't find anyone on your own.

When it comes to this, don't let anyone talk you into doing something that you don't want to do. Not even your parents or the father. There are maternity homes who will help and there is always your local Crises Pregnancy Center waiting and willing to help in any way they can.

If you don't believe me regarding the negative consequences of abortion, (by the way, having an abortion uninformed makes you more likely to suffer those consequences yourself), here are a few links to shed some light on the subject:

Carolyn Gargaro's Pro-life Feminism Page

SafeHaven

Project Rachel

Abortion Report This is a must read!

There are many more out there, feel free to look. I have shared those only to show you that anyone who tells you that negative or painful consequences from abortion are exceedingly rare or nonexistent does not know what they are talking about. (No offense intended)

If you want more info or if you just want to talk, email me at Ilyssa13@hotmail.com Good luck to you, I know that you can make it through this.

Back to Index

This section has been hit times since May 19, 1998