Cohabitation: A road to divorce?

In America today, the amount of couples choosing to live together before marriage has increased 700% since the 1970s. Today, cohabitation is the thing. But is it the best thing?

Break away from your previously held sterotypes for a minute - I'm not thumping a Bible at you - these are all recent studies that you yourself can look up. Maybe there's some truth to saving yourself for marriage. Look at this and maybe you'll understand what I mean. In any event, no matter what came before, you always have the chance to start fresh. More about that later.

Consider the following exerpts from recent studies:

• Cohabiting partners "experience significantly more difficulties in subsequent marriages and with issues of adultery, alcohol, drugs, and independence than couples who had not cohabited." Marriages preceded by cohabitation are 50 to 100 percent more likely to break up than those not preceded by cohabitation. (William Axinn and Arland Thornton, "The Relationship Between Cohabitation and Divorce: Selectivity or Casual Influence?" Demography, Vol. 29, 1992, page 358.)
• Of all sexually active people, married couples report being the most physically pleased and emotionally satisfied. (Robert T. Michael, John H. Gagnon, and Edward O. Lauman, Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1994, page 124.)
• Cohabiting couples have less healthy relationships than married couples. (Jan E. Stets, "The Link Between Past and Present Intimate Relationships," Journal of Family Issues, 114, 1993, page 251).
• Males beating female partners are "at least twice as common among cohabitors as it is among married partners." (Jan E. Stets, "Cohabiting and Marital Aggression: The Role of Social Isolation," Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 53, 1991, pages 669-670)
• The number of cases of major depression per 100 people per year: Married and Never Divorced--1.5; Never Married--2.4; Divorced Once--4.1; Cohabiting--5.1; Divorced twice--5.8. (Lee Robins and David Regier, Psychiatric Disorders in America: The Epidemiologic Catchment Area Study, New York: Free Press, 1991, page 72.)
• A study published in the American Sociological Review found that for couples that cohabit with their future spouses, they explain: "Overall association exists between premarital cohabitation and subsequent marital instability. The dissolution rates of women who cohabit premaritally with their future spouse are, on average, nearly 80 percent higher than the rates of those who do not."
  Neil G. Bennett, Ann Blanc Klimas and David E. Bloom, Commitment and the Modern Union: Assessing the Link Between Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability, American Sociological Review, 1988, p.132.
• The University of California, Los Angeles, published research in The Journal of Personality Assessment, that looked at "problem areas" for married couples who did and did not cohabit prior to marriage. The study found the top three problems that distinguished pre-marital cohabitants from non-premarital cohabitants were drunkenness, adultery and drug-abuse (in that order).
  Michael D. Newcomb and P.M. Bentler, Assessment of Personality and Demographic Aspects of Cohabitation and Marital Success, Journal of Personality Assessment, 1980, p.16
  
• Brown University and the University of Michigan studying the nest-leaving process found that "only those leaving in conjunction with marriage were truly unlikely to return" to their parents' home. However, "cohabitors were very likely to return home for an extended stay," ibid. The study found 20 percent of cohabitants returned home and only 2 percent of marrieds returned. Goldscheider, et al. conclude that "it is difficult to argue that cohabitors resemble married people," ibid., p. 695.
  Frances Goldsheider, Arland Thornton, and Linda Young-DeMarco, A Portrait of the Nest-Leaving Process in Early Adulthood, Demography, 1993, p. 694.
  

This is only the tip of the ice burg. It's not just religious people who say marriage is better, the actual facts speak for themselves. In truth, most women who live with a man before marriage really believe they will marry him. It is supposed to be a kind of "trial marriage". It seems like a good idea at first but it doesn't really work out that way.

Only one couple in five who lives together before marriage actually ends up getting married. Evidence shows that, instead of taking relationship roles similar to marriage, couples just living together do not communicate or work through problems as well. This is generally because there is a lack of total commitment and they are not as comfortable expressing dislikes or problems for fear the relationship will disintegrate. The stress either becomes too much and they seperate or they go ahead and get married.

Those that get married have already established bad communication. I mean really, how else is "Bob" supposed to feel when "Jane" finally starts complaining about his tendency to fall asleep reading when she put up with it for several years before? Misunderstanding and resentment are predictable.

When you compare this partial listing of problems to few general benefits of marriage you will find a big difference.

• Married people live longer and generally are more emotionally and physically healthy than their unmarried counterparts. Goldscheider, Thornton, Young and DeMarco, Brown University and University of Michigan, “A Portrait of the Nest-Leaving Process in Early Adulthood”, Demography 1993.
• Married people articulate increased satisfaction and happiness in the workplace. Loscocco and Spitze, “Working Conditions, Social Support, and the Well-Being of Female and Male Factory Workers,” Journal of Health and Social Behavior 1990.
• Married people articulate decreased feelings of loneliness and boredom. Page and Cole, “Demographic Predictors of Self Reported Loneliness in Adults,” Psychological Reports, 1991.
• Marriage increases the demonstration of character traits necessary for successful living such as sacrifice, humility, flexibility, empathy and ability to delay gratification. Cunningham and Antill, “Cohabitation and Marriage: Retrospective and Predictive Comparisons,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 1994.
• Married people have the best and the most sex. ”Sex in America” University of Chicago Study, Time, Oct. 17, 1994.

This is certainly worth thinking about. The bottom line is that if you don't want to commit to marrying the guy then don't live with him and you'll both be better off!