As I'm sure we've all heard, there is love and then there is true love. Love is a feeling that makes you want to be with someone and share their life. It's a wonderful feeling that makes everything look like it'll be okay. It's a feeling I hope we all experience. Sometimes it's heart-pounding, pule-racing and exhilerating. Sometimes it's sweet, slow and creeps over you like a thief and steals your heart. That's love, but true love has something more, something that gives love it's forever. That's where the commitment comes in.
Love is a feeling. That shouldn't shock you, I think we all know that. Think about that, are you in the same mood today that you were in a week ago at 2:00? I think not. Are you experiencing the same feelings that you were a week ago? A day ago? An hour ago? Have you ever gone through a whole day feeling the exact same thing towards anything or anyone? How about a week? A year? Forever? Do you see my point?
Love, even the most magical topsy-turvy enchanting love, will not last by itself. It needs your help to continue to grow, develop and stay around. That help from you is your commitment to that person and to your love. Sometimes it's help in the form of love notes and steamy nights, sometimes cute surprises and romantic dinners. Sometimes it's by clean laundry and a hot meal. Sometimes it's from remembering at least one thing about your spouse that you cherish every day. I think it's most abundant forms are patience, forgiveness, kindness, mercy and trust. (For a really great list of true love's characteristics, try looking up 1 Corinthians chapter 13 in the Bible. Christian or not, that is an excellent reference for love questions) And yes, passion and desire are in the list as well.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that every couple has their problems. Don't dispair if you feel the love has gone from your marriage, work to bring it back. That wonderful feeling comes and goes from time to time and that's perfectly normal. You will get angry, disappointed, hurt, etc. during the course of your marriage and the elation of love will not always be there to carry you through but your commitment will and because of that your love will burn again even deeper.*** If you need to, it's okay to go to your pastor or a good counselor to help you both get back on track.
In real life, we all come to a point in our marriages where we wonder if our spouse really is the one for us or if there was some cosmic joke played and we've been wasting the last however many years. Trust me, chances are he is and you haven't been. If you're afraid that the love has crept out of your marriage, here are a few simple things you can do to rekindle the flame.
1. Sit back, relax and take a deep breath. Think back to when you both first fell in love. How did you feel? What attracted you to your spouse? Name three things that you love about your mate or three things that you appreciate about him.
2. Write him a love letter.
3. Make a date with him. Set up a time and treat it like you would if you weren't married. Get dressed like you want to put your best foot forward. Have him pick you up if you want. Let the kid(s) be babysat for a few hours and have a little fun. Forget about stress and just enjoy being together.
4. For at least 15 minutes a day, arrange time that the two of you can be alone together to talk about things other than bills and children.
5. If you both have something in common that you like to do or want to learn how to do, like pottery or learning another language or playing basketball, go out and do it together. It'll be fun and it'll help you relax and develop new ties.
Not all of you can do all of these, but I can't imagine anyone who couldn't do one of them. Don't be distressed if nothing seems to come of it or even if you get into a fight. Just take it as it comes.
Remember that marriage is a daily thing and sometimes the road to true intimacy can seem like one step forward 20 steps back. It takes time to really get to know eachother. You are doing the impossible of meshing together two totally different people and two totally different lives into one. That takes a lot of work and you're not always going to agree where to go. That's just part of marriage no matter who you're married to or how old you are. Give it some time.
***Please keep in mind that this is intended for healthy, non-abusive relationships. If your spouse has ever hit you or otherwise hurt you, please seek professional counseling. It isn't you fault that he's abusive and he won't change without help.
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