-----work in progress----

i sit, and i watch the beady eyes ahaed of me- their glowing redness exhudes from their being like evil from satan himself. they keep moving- those eyes, further and further ahead. . .my eyes follow them, so does my body.

the faster they go, the faster i go, they turn, i turn- whatever they do. . .i follow every move they make. they are my guide down this lonesome highway tonite, its just me and you babe, i keep telling myself- my empty car shows that, and the empty road the other.

now i sit and think, as the beady red eyes almost disappear in the distance, they've gone down a hill i've yet to approach, "why am i here? has my life gone down hill so much that i have to travel on a lonely highway at nite to get away . . . to escape from a life that i've obviously made for myself?" i sit here in this car tonite, alone, wondering, questioning my very existence, and the possibility that there's another growing inside of me...and i wonder- how did i get here. . . how did i let myself get here. was i so careless that i just let this happen...was i so out of control that i didn't care what i was doing to my body or to my life, or to the lives around me. . . or this life? was living the way i did so important as to alter the way i have to choose to live for the rest of my life...

i guess what hurts the most is his reaction... and i know- this nite, this nite spent alone driving on state road 37 at 65 mph holding my tummy tight and letting the music seep into my brain, trying to let it outscream what my head is saying, what my heart is saying. . . this nite- will represent the rest of my life. . . because this is what it will be. i have to make what i can out of it, cause i've made it this way.

the beady eyes are back- i can follow them clear to indianapolis if i wanted to- i'm sure. wait, i might already be that far. . . who knew you could zone out for so long and still stay on the road. i'm going to leave the beady eyes behind now. i stop. pull over to the side of the road and turn the music down. i'm sick of hearing the commercials, the advertisements, the stupid radio dj's making stupid radio dj comments. i'm sick of people- maybe that's why i'm out here- on the side of the road on state road 37 in the truck that's s'posed to be parked in front of my house, that they don't know is missing- without a license. . . without a clue. to clear my head maybe- figure out what i'm doing. honestly, its not even the fact that i might be. . . its the reactions i get to the possibility that will frame my decisions. because, i don't think i am. . . but what do their reactions say about them as people, as more than that- as friends...
i know its scary...oh hell do i know its scary...i'm here don't you know. i feel this pain- i did this you know. i knowingly did this--but so did you.