Grandmother- I write you this because I know you will listen, I know you are listening right now, and I know, I need to tell someone, other than people who give too much of a shit, or not one at all. I guess you fit the bill. *sorry grandmother for my language, but things have changed since you've been gone, and I'm sure you know I'm not the little angel you left behind* Grandmother, I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know why I'm here. I keep telling myself, if only I cut a little deeper, took five more pills, maybe I could join you wherever you may be but then I'm afraid that we might not go to the same place, and there I would be again, separated from you for another eternity. And what would be the difference between there and here if you weren't there. They would both be empty places for an empty heart to take refuge. Perhaps that's what I deserve. Grandma, do you hate me? I could see why you would, I hope you don't thoug. I think back to all the things I did to you, of not for you, and, I just feel like such a horrible granddaughter. Grandmother, I don't even know when you died. I don't know how long ago it was that you left me, and I don't know if its because I don't want to believe you're gone, of if its just because I was too selfish to care. or I don't want to remember. I remember being at your funeral. and grandma I tried, I tried to be good and not cry, and be strong for mom, because I knew she was hurting--more so than me. I knew it was a lot for her to lose you. But I was selfish again. and I had the whole family staring at me…sobbing in the corner, trying to hold tears back that wanted to come for years. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. I wasn't strong for mom, I wasn't strong for you. I was so selfish, I didn't even come to the hospital to see you before you left us. I acted like you would be back, just like all those times before, and you would be driving me to school again every morning just like always. But you didn't. You didn't come back and I didn't get to say goodbye. Because of my selfishness. I'm a horrible person. and I wonder, if because of that, you hate me. Because of that, you don't come to see me like you do mom. because I know she sees you. Sonia and her both. They talk to you, and Bonzai sees you…and all I can do is dream about you….and cry because I was such a horrible teenager. But what's different now. nothing. I'm still a horrible person. I still haven't visited you grave. I don't know why. It's too hard for me. I cant'…I won't go into hospitals. I went to see grandpa once…only because I didn't want the same thing to happen to him, that happened to you. I wanted to be able to say goodbye. to say I was there…but he's still with us. I onl;y wanted to go so I would feel better, I don't think it had a thing to do with him now that I think about it. grandma, I never thought I was a selfish person until now. but I am, more so than anyone I've ever accused of being selfish before. Moreso than Jake. And for some reason, that hurts me more than anything, cause …in saying that, I think it was my fault. the way things ended there. But… Jake…grandmother- was I wrong? I need someone to tell me that what I did was ok, and that I can live without him. I need someone to tell me…but I don't know if anyone but myself can. that doesn't mean that I still don't need to hear it. I can't tell mom. you know that. you were the only one I could ever tell anything…everyone else would tell the whole family, and then lil talia's cheeks would turn red cause everyone knew Talia got her period, or Talia had her first boyfriend…well this time. it can't be like that. Talia lost her virginity to a man that wasn't in Love with her. But she was in Love with him. But does that make it any better? I waited 19 years for the perfect man, and always told myself I would wait until marriage, because what would be the better gift to a person you were to live the rest of your life with, than your true heart and abstinence until then. but then I met Jake, and grandma, I think you did too. Did you? I had a dream one nite…and I woke up in tears, because I hadn't dreamed of you in so long…and Jake held me close and asked me what was wrong. nothing was wrong - everything was right for once. I dreamt that I introduced you to Jake, and you liked him. That had never happened before. Before I only got brief images of your presence or signs that I should or shouldn't do something (like Spring break in DC, I know that was you). This time it wsa like, you were giving me your blessing. It was the most amazing thing I had ever dreamt…but then, I didn't want to believe it was a dream. I told Jake about you. I told him that in my dream you met each other, and he smiled, and he embraced me and kissed my forehead. wiped my tears away. we went back to sleep. I guess I thought it was meant to be around that time. I thought. Jake became everything to me grandma. what I couldn't tell anyone else, I could tell him. it was like, he was you in a way. but not, because his temper out flared even grandpa's any day, and I know I get my passivism from you. but he was my best friend…and soon, he became my Lover. Mom doesn't know. She doesn't need to. I don't need her to, because I can't live with that look from her. I know she wouldn't think down on me, grandma, I know you raised her better than that. but she would feel bad. and she would try to comfort something that needs time to heal, and not a motherly hug. you know that. you would tell me the same thing, I know you would. but still, I don't know what to do. Is this me? Zachary tells me its not. but I don't know what's me anymore. What do you think- do you think just because I pierced my lip and my nose, and dyed my hair red, do you think I'm not me? do you think because I dress differently sometimes, and talk differently in front of different people- do you think that makes me not me? isn't that who I am? Zach wouldn't even walk down the mall with me because everyone was staring at me. He didn't want to be seen with me, but as soon as someone laughed or said something bad about me, he was all ready to go kick their heads in. Things don't make sense to me anymore. if this isn't me, then who is it? Grandmother? do you think I'm just doing this for attention? I don't like attention- you know that. I've always been one to shy away from it and give it to someone else…what happened? did I do it for change? so I wouldn't be the same little girl that watched her daddy hit her mommy and her grandmother nearly drink herself to death? is that why I did it? you tell me. you're the one up there not me, cause I don't know. I just do it. no thought. no preconceived ideas. Granted, I got the piercings to in a way replace the pain of the break-ups, but I think there was more to it than just that. was there? is my whole life not really mine? did I not really Love Jake? do I not really Love my animals and the babies, and Zach, and mom, and…everyone else? do I not like to write? do I not yearn to be published someday, even if that is in vain? do I not dream of taking pullitzer prize winning photos? do I not wish to have him back? are these things not me, or do they make up a me that zAchary just doesn't know? maybe that's the question. and the answer, maybe no one really knows me. maybe no one ever did- except for you, because you always listened. you always told me to do what made me happy. who cared about the money or what other people thought. I wish mom understood that. she thinks I'm here wasting hers. and maybe I am. maybe I'm not good enough to make it out there. maybe writing doesn't make me as happy as I once thought it did. cause anymore, it doesn't. it only makes me cry…because my muse is gone. I know he won't ever return. even If he does, I wonder if I want him back. I do…but…things will have changed so much…I don't know. grandma, there are no answer are there? there just aren't. Have I changed grandmother? am I not the same little girl you left behind years ago? Should I be? Grandma, I know I've changed, but in order to live, don't you have to? You can't stay the same 16 year old little girl forever can you- even then I was changing into what I am today. They all tell me it's college that has changed…hardened me. I disagree. It's never been school that changes me. It can't be an institution that changes someone, it's the people that make up the institution. It was Tori, Jen, Susan, Brea, Jennie, Heather, Walter, and Jake….mostly Jake. And maybe I say that because he's still so fresh in my mind…in my heart. But that's not all. They all know it. They all know he's changed me. HE gave me confidence in everything I did. He gave me light. he gave me life. Just because he took it away, doesn't mean I have to go back to the way I was, does it gramma? please tell me it doesn't, because everything around me is telling me it should. and I don't want to. I'm still not real sure if I like what I've become, but I know its better than what I was, who I was. It has to be. but I'm regressing. I see it in myself. I see me going back to the little girl I used to be. the one who wouldn't share her feelings, but would give her life to save anyone else's…the little girl who would cry in the refuge of her own room, and in front of you, but never in front of anyone else, the one who would constantly think down about herself and think she could never do any better than what she was at right now…grandma, I don't want to be that girl. I want to be able to be me- without HIM! I'm sorry grandmother, I didn't mean to yell, I'm just upset. I'm sorry for pouring this all out to you, I'm sure you watched it all unfold before your eyes before I even knew it was going to happen. But you knew I was going to write to you didn't you? You know me too well. . . you're the only one anymore. Grandma, did you know I was going to be this screwed up when I grew up? Why didn't you take me with you? Don't you think it would have been so much less painful, possibly for the both of us? Don't you think? I remember…when you would sit on the couch, talking to yourself, and I was scared, because, I didn't' know what was going on. I was afraid for you, I didn't want you to hurt. Ever. And I knew you did. You leaving us alleviated that pain…so isn't that my only answer as well? I know you lived a hard life- you told me remember? About your Daddy and Uncle Bill. You told me. I don't know if you meant to or not, but you did. I know you lived a hard life grandma, but I'm not as strong as you. Just dealing with the humiliation in my own head every day is enough to make me want to cut a little further next time- if only the knife were sharp enough. Did you do that too? Did you dull my knife so I couldn't join you- do you not want me there? Grandmother, you have to understand, and I know you do, but…I need to let go of this life. It's just not for me anymore. How did you do it? After all you told me, after living with grandpa and raising four children, I know your escape was often alcohol, but it doesn'' work for me. I may want to be where you are, with you right now, but I don't want to get there the same way you did.

its not done yet....its a work in progress.