I'll start on the day where my life turned around..... 18 weeks pregnant and everything seemed to be going fine now. I had been hospitilised for asthma at 14weeks and at 13 weeks I thought my waters had leaked, but nothing came of that. My 18 week aniotomy scan changed everything, (baby had short legs, no end to his spine and an eccogenic bowel), which could relate to Down Syndrome. I was recommended to have an amniocentesis, and one was performed that day. Two attemps were made and on the second one, enough fluid was taken. We did alot of soul searching over those few weeks. Everyone had an opinion, but I just prayed and prayed that the results would come back negative. 3 weeks later the results came back..... NO our baby didn't have downs. Because we didn't have any answers we had another scan. This time they found an end to the spine (which gave us hope). The other problems were still showing (bowel fluid and legs), but I thought they could fix them when the baby was born. I resigned myself then and there, that our baby would be OK as long as we could make it past 24wks (viable)!
At At 25 weeks, I went to see my midwife because I had a strange feeling. (I had an appointment with Doctor and to have a scan the next) My blood pressure was checked and was up to about 140/98, so wthinking that I was getting pre-eclampsia again, they did the scan.I had no-one with me at the scan and I was told....."It doesn't look good for your baby"! That was after about 15mins of scanning. They checked the estimated weight (to see if he could be delivered and maybe saved). I knew the weight of 474grams was too small for the outside world, but it didn't register with me until I was admitted and my midwife told me that my baby would probably die within the next few days. I just broke down and cried! The Doctor came up and explained to me that baby had a lot of fluid in his tummy, and not much around him. I could have delivered him then, while he was still alive, but I decided to let nature do what it was going to. I just wanted to go home, so the Doctor discharged me, and I arranged to return on Friday morning to have a scan to see what had happened. I went home and waited....I could still feel him move (even though he never had moved much). I called my midwife on that Thursday to find out the sex, and found out that I was right, He was a little Boy! That day I bought a blanket for him, and I slept with it that night and when I woke that morning, I whispered "Goodbye" to my sweet baby. That was the only time I actually said it. I went in for my appointment (late off course) and was given the scan. The operator searched for the heartbeat, I couldn't watch, but only look at my husband's face. He knew that he had died, but tried not to show it. Then the scan technician said, "sorry, we can't find a heartbeat". I couldn't stop the tears while was lying there and when they left I just burst into tears. They printed a few pics of my baby from the scan, just in case I wanted them.
I saw my Doctor and he and my midwife explained the situation to me. I could deliver now, but with an induction after 2 Caesareans, there is a chance of rupturing the uterus, which in turn could mean losing the womb altogether - if all goes terribly wrong. Sure, a small percentage, but I tend to fall in that small percentage somehow. The other option was to wait and see if I labour would begin naturally. I asked how long that could take, and they said that most woman choose to deliver straight away, so they didn't know. I did know that it was safe for up to 4 weeks, but they had to check that emotionally I could handle it! Come the following Tuesday...........I was in a terrible way. My asthma was really bad and I phoned my midwife. I asked what I didn't think to ask earlier. Would my baby be deteriating or would he be protected by the amnio fluid (which I thought was the case). She said that he would be deteriating, so I decided that was it, I just couldn't deal with it and I arranged to go to hospital at 10am the next day.
11ish (late again-"smile") they induced me, and straight away I felt the contractions, at 5 minutes apart...But they were bearable! That is until about 8pmish when I started getting pretty intolerant with everyone! The next dose was due at 11pm and I really wanted to have a bath (just because they had one!), but because I was sooooo tired, they gave me pethidine instead. That didn't help for long - the contractions were 3 minutes apart and lasting for just under a minute. They wouldn't let me have an epidural because they needed for me to be aware of any pain so they would know if my uterus ruptured! In the end the pethidine was not helping for more than 5 minutes, so they agreed to give me an epi. I kept waking Brendan, to go and push for them to hurry, and he told me that the midwife was hurrying everyone as it was. Then I got my worst contraction and my waters broke. I woke Brendan and told him, and he called the midwife.
The birth was really calm and peaceful. I didn't push, because I didn't want him to be damaged..so slowly he was born. First his little foot. The midwife sat on the end of the bed and I just asked her what was happening. She answered me soooo calmly and it was an extremely pieceful experience, despite the result. I was asked if I wanted to see him straight away and I said no - I didn't think I would be able to handle that! Now I wish I had of, because he looked his best then!
We arranged for a small funeral in the hospital chapel at 4pm. I couldn't bear to leave hospital only to return. The Minister who married me and Brendan, came out and a few special friends, my Mum and sister were there. Acacia and Cayleb were there too. I took one last look at Riley in his casket, gave him a letter and let him go. He was cremated with a special Rose Quartz dolphin necklace that I had worn for a week, his blue blanket and that letter, along with the clothes I had picked for him. I kept his booties that he had worn and his ankle hospital tag. I played Viva Forever at his service - and will always think of him when I hear it from now on.
Love you always
My Little Sister Bree (New Addition) My sibling in Heaven (Miscarriage)
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