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This
is domestic violence awareness month, a heightened urgency to
raise consciousness, awareness and to educate ourselves about
domestic violence, and more importantly, to find out how we can
help stop this violence. It's devastating to me to read in the
newspapers recently that 6 people were murdered in the past few
weeks as a result of domestic violence. Given this rash of murder,
it may feel like that we as individuals are powerless to prevent
this kind of violence. But I know this is not true. I myself
am a survivor of domestic violence and can attest to the fact
that individual people and their actions saved my life. I would
like to share with you a little of my story to let you know that
you can make a difference in the lives of people who are being
abused. My ex-husband was violent to me for 2 1/2 years. Before
getting married we dated for 3 years, with no instances of violence.
After our marriage we moved from Virginia to Nashville TN, where
he started work on a PHd. The violence began within the first
week of our marriage, where he pressed his hands against my mouth
and nose attempting to smother me. After this incident, my ex
husband would become violent almost nightly often for no apparent
reason. One of his favorite assaults was to strangle me with
my back against the wall, my feet dangling a foot or so above
the floor. He would get right into my face and scream, "What
makes you think I won't kill you and then kill myself?"
He would keep me up all night, often lecturing me endlessly and
if I got sleepy he would attack me, often times choking me. I
was in a constant state of exhaustion, sleeping an average of
2 hours a night. His violence was controlled and directed at
certain parts of my body so that the injuries were not visible
to co workers and friends. The welts from his hitting me were
often on my head or my torso, covered by my clothing. The only
time that my bruises were visible was the fat lip from that very
first bout of violence, where he pressed his hand against my
mouth and nose, smothering me. Only one person asked me about
my swollen lip, and directly asked if my ex-husband had caused
it. I was terrified that my husband would kill me if I told anyone,
so I said no. This co worker never again brought up the issue.
My ex
husband decided to transfer to a university in St. Louis. I was
also hopeful that the violence would stop if he was happier in
school. My hopes were dashed almost immediately. After one particularly
awful episode of violence, where he attacked me while I was sleeping,
I got up very early the next morning and ran to our church, which
was one block from our apartment. I talked to the priest and
told him that I was afraid that my husband was going to "accidently"
kill me. He told me that the violence wasn't my fault and that
I should leave.
During
the last 2 years of our marriage I tried to leave many, many
times. Each time I attempted to leave he would accelerate his
violence. Once I got as far as getting into my car, but he opened
the car door before I could lock it. He bashed my head against
the inside of the passenger door and dragged me screaming all
the way down the block to our apartment. Not one out of the hundreds
of neighbors who heard me called the police, or ever asked me
if anything was wrong.
4 months
after visiting the priest, I got my courage up again to try to
leave. I was on my way out the door to work when he begged me
to stay home and threw me to the floor. I convinced him that
we needed the money, so he let me go. Rather than return from
work, I stayed in a shelter sponsored by my church. I called
work and told them my situation. My supervisor was very supportive
and gave me time off from work and wanted to know how she could
help. One week later, my ex-husband got into a serious car accident
and begged me to return. He was very remorseful and made promises
that he would change and get help through counseling. I returned
to him, fueled by promises of change. Over time, however, these
promises proved extremely empty. Slowly, he returned to using
violence against me. The most memorable episode was on my last
birthday with him, when he stood over me with an axe, threatening
to kill me.
One month
after this episode he became violent one morning and began to
choke me and then threw me to the floor. He then proceeded to
literally walk on me. A light bulb went off in my head that he
was actually walking on me like I was a rug. I thought, he's
financially, psychologically, emotionally and now physically
walking all over me. This was the final straw. I knew at that
moment that I was going to leave him for good this time. Part
of the reason that I knew I could successfully leave was because
a women with whom I worked was very open about her experiences
with her violent ex husband. Part of me knew that if she could
do it, that I could do it too. I got up off the floor and ran
to the car. This time I had enough time to lock my car door before
he got to the car. I quickly drove away. All I had with me were
the clothes on my back, my purse and the car. I stayed in an
abused women's shelter the first night and contacted work the
next day. The response I received from my office was one of incredible
support. I knew that my co worker would understand my situation
but I wasn't prepared for the generosity of my supervisor. They
both met me for lunch and my boss took me to her house and gave
me an adequate assortment of clothes to wear and told me to take
off as much time as I needed. She also invited me to stay at
her house which I declined because I felt safer at the shelter
for abused women. I returned to work the following week and found
numerous e-mail and voice mail messages from my ex husband. I
got a restraining order on him and was helped by the campus security,
who drove by my office around the time of my leaving to make
sure I was safe. As time went by, I felt supported enough to
tell my other co workers, believing that the more people that
knew my situation the safer I was. I returned to school and was
determined to stay in St. Louis and continue my life. However,
because I had trouble renewing my restraining order, I again
felt unsafe and I joined a friend in San Francisco.
It was
the combination of many people over time that helped me to leave.
Each persons statement and action contributed to my ability to
leave. I remember the first co worker in Nashville who asked
me if my fat lip was caused by my ex husband. He may of felt
that it didn't do any good, or that he was wrong to ask. But
by asking that question, it planted a seed in my mind of what
was happening to me wasn't right. I know it's frustrating to
see people stay or go back to abusive relationships. But, there
are many factors involved with staying and in returning. The
biggest factor for me was fear for my life. I returned once because
I still loved him, I loved the man that was my friend, who would
go hiking with me, who would cook me dinner and comfort me when
I was tired or sick. I loved the man who would play me music
on his guitar, who would read me poetry and who would tenderly
tell me he loved me. I wanted to believe that man existed. But
when his promises proved to be lies again and again, I was supported
enough by other people in my life to see this and to leave. I
want to stress how terribly important the role that my co workers
played. True, I got support from the counselors at the abused
women's shelter, but part of me felt they gave me the support
because it was their job, unlike my co workers who did it because
they knew and cared for me. It wasn't because it was their job.
I don't mean to say that the counselors weren't effective, they
were. But it had even more impact on me when other people in
my life gave me the same messages, that there was no excuse for
my ex husbands behavior, that not being happy at school, nor
our financial situation, nothing gave him cause to hit me. If
you are currently involved in a violent relationship, believe
me, life can be better. You deserve it. I never thought I would
enjoy life as much as I do now, unhindered by a constant threat
of violence. I am working successfully and have joined the Advisory
committed of the Funds Survivors Mobilization Program. The Family
Violence Prevention Fund's campaign "There's No Excuse for
Domestic Violence" carries this same message. You can participate
by endorsing and promoting this message, "There is never
an excuse for Domestic Violence".
If you
know someone who is being abused, or is abusive, you can help.
Please call 1-800-END ABUSE. When you call this number you'll
receive a kit that will tell you specifically how to help someone
who is being abused or whom you suspect is being abusive. You
can make a difference. Act now. Call 1-800-END-ABUSE. |
