dorothy parker
Resume
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
hear dorothy read the above poem herself by downloading the real audio file below:
i also wrote a horrid small entry monday.. click the arrows below or go to the archive to read what little there is..
the past few months i've had intense periods of really horrid depression and anxiety mixed in with periods of feeling just as fine and dandy as usual. because i have always had a mood-swingy existence, it felt like all was normal until november.
"what happened in november?" you may ask hypothetically. well, nothing special, really. at least nothing external and tangible. "what the fuck does that mean?" you might not hypothetically ask, but i'll answer anyways.
my anxiety and depressions took on a more serious nature than i have ever experienced before. i took to sitting on my old warm baby comforter on the cement floor outside our apartment for hours when nobody else was around. no, i don't mean 2 hours on a nice afternoon - i mean any hour, for as long as i could, including sky-gazing for hours past midnight.
during thanksgiving when everybody was gone i'd wake up around noon, get dressed, make breakfast and go sit outside our apartment for about 3 hours, get cold/bored and walk in, snap on the tv for half an hour, then go back out for another 2-4 hour stretch, etc, until i'd 'give up' sometime after midnight or a bit later and go to bed.
sitting there, there were only two things i seemed able to do - obsessively thinking about everything bad in life (my life in particular), and then when the thinking got too heavy i'd pick up my skimpy paper-journal and write on the same topic for a while, and then it'd be back to thinking some more. highly boring, and typed up like this, probably highly melo-dramatic and pathetic as well.
and then came december rolling in with an avalanche of anxiety attack. suddenly i was unable to sleep in my room because i would literally think myself into an attack during the time i was supposed to be sleeping. the solution became to move out into the living room where i could let television outvoice my head until i was so exhausted i'd fall asleep on the couch.
the company of angela, gabbi and jessica certainly helped, but in the long run, you're there with your moronic head thinking and thinking and thinking until you can very barely breathe and feel like... well. anyway.
the point is that all of it escalated around the end of december and i found myself thinking in circles i have never thought of before, including the not so fabulous stretches into "i ought to just jump off a roof." lucky for me, because this is a very abnormal way for me to be thinking, it set off a lot of alarm bells in me. and then - bam! i found a possible pattern.
thanks to this journal i've been able to link the times where i am having really low patches to *drum roll* - my period. now, funky chemicals does not form words and sentences in your brain, true, but it does coincide exactly with when i have found myself in a state where i couldn't recognize my thoughts anymore. so. there ya go.
it's still only a theory, but it's suffice to say that considering i found myself spending an entire day recently thinking 'rationaly' and without much emotion about suicide in 5 minute increments only to realise that my period started that very same day, and that as soon as i realised i was finally able to ignore the disturbing thoughts, i'd say it might hold some sort of water, and my counselor has acknowledged this as a possible theory so... there ya go.
anyhow. i think i just really wanted to write this. so i did. um, i think i also want to say that "i'm okay, really" and that i am very aware right now of when things are wacky, and thankfully, i've been able to get some outside opinions that seem to be very helpful, so.. yeah.
i'm on my way, and as my counselor says.. : i can do anything. hopefully even this. :)