I hold up my palms and read "Stupid" and "Ugly" and I can never convince myself that the same words haven't been stamped onto my forehead and I forget that it wouldn't matter because they are stamped onto my brain and that is enough.

Make no sense. Okay. A while ago I was talking to someone who makes a lot of sense and she said out loud the things I already knew about myself. Hearing her say it was very good and I am glad that she did, but it also made me a bit sad because I didn't want to be so right.

I don't know how to start these paragraphs and I don't know how to get it in "the right order", so I'll just ramble. I was talking to yet another friend (I'm constantly amazed that I can refer to "friends" and not just "friend".) and he was trying to encourage me into pursuing a man that I have been gushing a bit about. The main reason seemed to be because "I should have a boy/girl friend." I know he meant it in a nice way, and I know he did not mean to imply that I am odd for not having a person around, but it did anger me a bit because I could not figure out how I could explain my reasons for being "alone but not always lonely" to him in a way that would make sense to him, or me, or whatever, without telling things about me that I simply did not want to share with him.

I did share it with yet another friend though. Hmm. I said I seriously don't feel "ready" for anything with another person, and I don't think I ever have been before either. At which point he protested with a "I don't think anyone's ever 'ready'" and I know he's sort of right. I know I'm right too, though. I'm not sure what I mean by being ready.

Certainly not to wake up one day and say "I love myself I love life I am so ready let's GO!" It's more.. um.. hmm. I don't know how to explain it. Okay. Let's see. I think I would like to learn to like myself better, and to see if I can get my selfesteem and anything else that's small and tiny right now to grow a little bit.

I once tried to pretend I was ready and so I threw myself into what should have been this tiny little thing and then when I was a bit crushed afterwards I really thought it was because I had been in love with a person. It took me a whole year to understand that all along that whole thing had just been a sneeze and that the real problem was much older and based on me, not on some other person who I now realize didn't mean much at all when I look closely on it. Sometimes we need to see that what we are looking at is just an empty puppet and that we really need to rip that thing off to expose the hand inside of it so see why it's shaking.

And yes, I know the person I am referring to may not believe me (because you know that I know that you are reading this, and yes, it sort of annoys me, but only very mildly because I'm sorry but through your actions and things you have said, and frankly, through the fact that it's been almost -3- years since whatever it was took place, you have been reduced to a person I shake my head at when I am reminded and laughingly yell "What was I thinking??" and so I can't even muster up enough feelings to bother even being annoyed for longer than the blink of a second. I don't quite understand why you keep reading this, checking in every day, but you know what? I don't even feel like speculating, because it really doesn't matter. It is simply your problem - not mine. I would like to tell you to stop and live the life you have chosen and stop peeking into this. You know? But whatever. If you get something out of it, I guess that's up to you.) when I say "whatever happened was a pathetic thing that in reality affected me very little" but then.. so be it.

Or something.

On another note, something I haven't featured in a long time but really want to - it's time for.. Jessica and Jennie silliness at CN!

Sessions:

12:29:54 - 23/04/99 - KafKa- aLanis is cute.
12:30:37 - 23/04/99 - aLanis- fixing typo - 
it was to say "kafka is cute." 

Warnings:

12:30:48 - -=> KafKa warns aLanis: You are cute =:P
12:30:58 - -=> aLanis warns KafKa: STOP IT!!!!!
12:31:11 - -=> KafKa warns aLanis: what's wrong, 
cutebunnypie?
12:32:18 - -=> KafKa warns aLanis: you are cute, smart, 
funny, and hey, you even own a cocteau twins cd, so I 
think you're pretty special
12:32:31 - -=> aLanis warns KafKa: I'LL LOG OFF! :P
12:32:37 - -=> KafKa warns aLanis: NOOOOO =:(
12:33:03 - -=> KafKa warns aLanis: I'll take this to sessions =>)

I do love you, honeybunnygirl, and I'm glad. And that was that. Oh wait, except Gene just e-mailed me to gloat in the fact that he just got Ani tickets for June for him and some friends and I won't be here and can't go and am so jealous my face almost matches my hair. And on my left hand it says "LIVING IN CLIP"! In thick, black maig marker. Because I need to have an Ani album, and because I haven't bought any Cds since I think january, and because I think I deserve it. Especially considering my phonebill's barely around $40. Yey. I've been good. Haha.

And I want to end with the lyrics to the song where I got the words for the tags I wore on my shirt yesterday - "Both Hands":