thursday, july 15
prelude: the scream inside my head whyyyyyyy do i get sucked into reading things on a whim and end up doing it for hours? i just logged over 300 posts read at rec.music.tori-amos, and the entire archive of immy's journal. the first was a bit cringy because we're suffering from a lot of flamewars at rmt-a right now, and the latter made me want to send off a big box of chocolates and a "will you marry me?" note.
the first illness immy simply rocked, and i can't claim to have found her all on my own like my ego would like to; i started reading her journal today from a link in em's journal. i am sheep. hear me baaa. it seems though that i have been infected with a strange disease. it could be called rampant journal reading disease. you see, it's not that i haven't thought any other journals out there worthy of reading, but despite me writing in this thing, i just haven't been much of a journal reader. yes, i know. i totally suck. apart from my friend jessica's journal, i haven't read any journals on a frequent basis since a long time ago when i found my first diary (background avail. here) and then a few weeks ago i got all panic stricken when i forced myself to redesign this crap and found myself jumping from journal to journal to get inspiration (read: steal ideas from other people and twist them so they couldn't sue me). i think that's when the whole webring thing started. i'd see all these webrings on people's journals and nifty collaborations they were in on and a voice in my head started to scream "i want to do that too!" and i suppose that's how i ended up with this for an index page. all good an well, i suppose... it was just some harmless tries to get into that ever elusive journal community i hear so much about but haven't managed to get myself stitched into more than sending a lame appreciative e-mail every 6 months to a journaler and then not dare to reply when they against all odds e-mail me back. but then somehow in the process of journal jumping like some fickle slut, i discovered that there were a few i ended up bookmarking because i found myself going back just to see what they'd say in their next entry.. and next.. and finding myself cussing at the screen when three of them hadn't updated yet. you know. classic addiction symptoms. and now i don't know what's up. i have 10+ journals bookmarked. i just went through immy's entire archive. in a way it makes me feel like i could, if not even should just quit this thing because i think these other people are so much better at it. you know. the inferiority thing. oh stop sulking. you know i won't. i don't let myself give into random impulses (stop laughing!) like that anymore. i'd rather give into a sudden urge to have a big bowl of vanilla yogurt right now. which leads me into my next illness... (journal obsessiveness and food in one entry - however will you be able to handle such graces?)
the second illness i'm not into food right now. no wait, scratch that. i'm not into food i used to be into. i haven't bought a piece of chocolate in weeks. potato chips? you must be joking - i can't be bothered with the oily greasy stuff anymore. several times these past two weeks i have found myself in a supermarket with actual m o n e y, only to walk out of there with three yogurt's and a cinnamon bun. each visit has consisted of hour long walks along the aisles, poking at chocolate and frozen pizza's and bags of chips without stopping to even pick an item up and ponder buying it. i'm sick, i tell you! all of a sudden everything just seems too rich, too greasy, too exhausting to make... not even buying a gallon of rocky road and gobble up seems appealing. the only things in the entire place that vaguely appeals to me are those pre-made little portions of chocolate puddings and vanilla yogurts. two days ago i bought two lemon yogurts, one vanilla yogurt and a litre of apple juice. i went home, ate and drank it all and felt good!! it wasn't until yesterday i had to step back and shudder over myself, though. get this - instead of using my one dollar in change to buy some loose chocolate, i went into the dairy section, looked at the priced down goods that are close to their expiration date and bought one litre of raspberry yogurt - light!!! now that action in itself wasn't the most frightening. what was truly horrific was that i went home and passed on my mother's ready made spaghetti and caprisciosa sauce, with plenty of bluecheese on the side. instead i poured myself a large bowl of yogurt and ate it alongside with 3 (garlic) cheese sandwhiches, and that was all i had yesterday! yick, i'm getting all grossed out just thinking about it. i'm clinging onto the only reason for this horrid style in eating (i bought a _light_ product! eek!) i can think of right now - i'm blaming the heatwave (25-29 degrees celsius for almost two weeks) for making me into this health monster. oh ghod. all this talk of vanilla yogurt is making my tummy rumble. fuck fuck fuck fuck!! i have friends! honest! i was talking with a friend yesterday who said maybe i shouldn't come to the library all day but instead hang around at home and have fun with friends. eep! i had to clearify something, and i figured i would here too, just in case you were sitting there shaking your head at what a loser i indeed am. despite it seeming like it, spending my days down here doesn't kill my social life - in fact, it's quite the opposite. see, it's like this: when i decide to stay at home, i do nothing. no, i mean nothing. i have no desire to call people, i don't go on spontaneous walks and stumble upon friends - i stay indoors and watch tv, read and talk to sammy (my cat). when i go to the library to fropple around online, i instantly end up talking to people all day. i know i don't mention it much in this journal (in fact, a lot of the time i don't mention a fraction of what i've done during the day, but then that's another story...) but people tend to visit me throughout the day. yesterday my friend ahmed came by and we spoke for half an hour... then my friend mariana came by and i chatted away another hour. today i've had visits from my friend ricky, and maria and her boyfriend came by to invite me over tonight. when i'm at the library, people know where to find me. if they're downtown, they often make it a point to come upstairs and check to see if i'm here even if it's just to say hi. when i'm at home, people never drop by. and that's just how it is. ah well. enough about that :) unnecessary info out of nowhere i subscribe to something like 16 mailing and notification lists. 14 of those are on onelist. i also run two lists of my own. lists i actually post to regularly - one. that's my own list to notify and rant to some of you people. today i got a mail from a list i didn't even know i was subscribed to for updates at serialkillers.net. oh stop looking at me like that. i caved in, anyways, and got an e-mail account there, as if i needed another one to remember. hence you could now theoretically reach me at:
i'll try and remember to login at least once a week, heh. also - sorry for being so horridly boring and opening an account under my real name, jennie. i wish i was one of those people who could think of really great nick's, but i really can't. people rarely call me anything but jennie anyways (well, some do 8)
no, you're not crazy this is an insanely long post. that could be because i started to write it around 3 p.m. this afternoon giving me a span of 4 hours to complete it, as opposed to starting 40 minutes before the library closes as i usually do. i wonder if you can tell the difference, though ;) |
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