"what am i supposed to fill all this space with?"

in the past that question have been so easy to answer because i had so many projects in my head waiting to be realised, like the enormous pj harvey site with the largest image gallery online and sounds and videos and articles and all i was going to archive at the site and all i needed was the space, and then i got it, and for half a year or so i really was the biggest on the block and it felt really neat.

and then it got too big and working on in felt more like a must than a want-to. it would probably still have been up had i not run into my usualy money-demon shouting "enough! enough!" and stomping the account away with it's feet and for a while i panicked because i felt i would be letting all these people who were putting 2-300 hits a day to my site down and the people who had contributed and typed and sent in pictures and given input would see their work wiped out but i really didn't have enough money to keep it running so it simply was deleted.

but anyways. back then i had a reason to seek out webspace and i could fill it literally within seconds. but now. i couldn't think of a thing. and then i thought hey, i'll turn it into a pure personal site documenting everything about me, not like the journal, nono, but rather in retrospective.

i started to make plans to grab every photo-album i could find and scan every single picture i had either taken or was in or both and put them all up, and i made plans to, instead of a journal, put up memory texts similar to this split-up entry today where i would simply document every memory i could think of, like the time i had deja-vu eating icecream in grandma's kitchen and things from school and all.

and then i got off the couch and saw myself sitting there, writing feverously on the back of an envelope things to do for the site and what to scan and what the design would be and i didn't get what i was doing and so i made myself stop, and then i tore up the envelope and just thought.

why do i want to document all of me? no i'm not really talking about this journal - i know most of the reasons i run this journal and why it's online. no. this is different. i simply can't figure out why there's a part of me that really wants to put every memory, every image, every thought of me online, not necessarily for others to view, but just making every single scrap visable, tangible, solid.

exhibitionism? i don't think so because i don't feel a need to make things visable to others, but i don't feel a need to keep it private either. the idea isn't to put things up for others, or even to put it up just for me, it's simply to put it up. maybe it's some misguided attempt at making myself more visable to me. i don't know.

and then i think about how had this been half a year ago, i might have done it. but i didn't, and i don't know if that means that i've changed or simply that i'm learning to give myself boundaries. but then i also don't think i would have had a problem with it if i had put it up because in a way i would support the decision and i wouldn't start to think i was sharing too much. in fact, when i think more about it it isn't really about boundaries at all, it's not about being afraid of sharing too much because i never feel it's too much. maybe now i'm trying to teach myself to keep some things hidden. kept. mine.