siouxsie? i mean, tori? uh... :)

i spent yesterday with angela and found myself doing and thinking things that seemed light years away from how i used to be -mainly, it was the way i was able to act around her 2 year old son, garrett.

see, because i'm the youngest in our family, because my brother is so much older (he turned 32 on halloween! [suiting birthday, eh?]) than me, and because the rest of our relatives, especially the kids, all live far away to a point where i get to see them perhaps once or twice a year (now that i'm in america, even less, boviously), i have very little experience with children.

it's not that i dislike them, i actually think they seem like nifty little people, it's just that i have't physically been around them for longer periods than perhaps a few hours or a day at a time. because of this, i've found myself feeling extremely awkward around them, and there hasn't been much i could do to change that.

my 10 year old cousin sanna helped somewhat, as whenever she'd visit she'd immediately cling to me and want to play with me, but it also made me feel like an utter freak because i would end up not knowing what exactly to do with her after letting her try putting make-up on me and learn how to braid on my hair, and i would end up making excuses like "uh, so i have to study now, so if you could go play with your dad or something, that would be great" and then hide out in my room feeling guilty and evil for hours at a time avoiding her.

i wanted to be good with kids, and kids have always seem to like me, yet the mere thought of being alone with one has scared me endlessly, and the whole imagery of me having to hold a baby has been nightmarish (what IS it with parents who disregard it when you tell them that no you don't want to hold the baby, and persist, and nag, and eventually just shove the baby in your arms? i'm scared I'LL DROP IT, you nimwitt, so why are you handing it to ME?? give it to the aunt over there salivating at the mere thought!)

but garrett has sort of changed things. oh, in the beginning, all was as usual. as me and angela started to hang out, garrett sort of came along with the deal, and for a long time i was actually sort of scared about it. here was this kid that would grab my hand and ask me to help him up on benches, and who wasn't yanked back by his mother and treated sort of like a pet.

it took a long time for me to figure out how to have a friendship with this 2 year old. i have never been the type to under-estimate kids, and i never pat them on the head and baby-talk them, but how do you communicate with a person who has a 20 word vocabulary?

and then, little by little, we've learnt. he has learnt that i'm just as able as his mom at adjusting his socks, and carrying him when he doesn't feel like walking, and that when we're by a parkinglot, my hand's as good to hold without having to be told to. and it's been so strange and weird and cool.

and now i'm proud. i befriended a 2-year old, and he seems to have befriended me. it doesn't create havoc in my brain and nerves when angela asks me to entertain and watch garrett for a short while when she needs to go to some store. and it's pretty cool to help him talk to the pansies by the parking lot, or watch him run from room to room laughing his 2 year old boy laughter.

and i kind of like it.