wednesday, december 22

HOORAY!! i did it!! yours truly, that is, i, figured out alllll by myself how to fucking calculate the phone bill between me and gabbi, BY hand, no calculator, on the cent right. i rock the casbah. haha. --- in other world shattering news... well, there aren't any, really, which, in itself, is world shattering, because what am i without drama? i'm drinking the contentment up like it was hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshallows on the house. --- i saw the green mile and dick and austin powers 2 and mrs parker and the vicious circle and hilary and jackie and all sorts of other movies and tv shows, and enjoyed it all a lot. pick any of those movies to watch and be happy is what i say. --- it is still a treat to have jessica around. to think it's now been a year since i visited her in arizona, and now she's living in my room. quite mind boggeling. the difference, i supposed, would be that this is so clearly not just a visit. we act natural around each other without expecting to be constantly entertained and in each others' company. she is able to go to her (well, my) room and read all night while i watch tv and it's all fine instead of a forced "must do everything together!" i try and give her as much space as i give any of my roommates, and expect the same back. i think it's also nice without the pressure that belongs with short-term visits where you as a host feel obligated to fill every day with entertainment. now i feel as everything is as it should - i can spend my nights on the couch watching my shows, or reading, in an old t-shirt in the same manner i like to spend my spare lazy time without worrying if jessica is entertained or not - she's in charge of that on her own. and hey - she got a job! woo. :) --- you know. sitting here thinking about the feast i was able to cook and eat last night is making me all gushy and thoughtful. (mashed potatoes, veggy burgers, green leeks, fried broccoli, bread and beer. it's enough to make a weight watcher cry, i'm sure :) it's been quite a year so far, and i'm only now beginning to understand just how big. you know how sometimes we look back and think "but i didn't really do anything much" ? i'm tempted to say that about this year, but that would be ignoring so much. concerts. friendships. good meals. travelling. fighting. crying. laughing. learning. growing. i think growing is the word i want. i have grown. whoa. it feels so weird to say that, like i'm all of a sudden putting myself on a maturity piedestal. in fact, just devoting a few paragraphs to this makes me feel like a log of cheese. bah. but it's true. i can feel it. i have grown in so many areas. all of a sudden, i can handle situations that made me claw my skin off in the past. it applies to everything. i suppose it has shaken my world up a bit. i can pick up a phone and dial a number and talk to the person on the other end without feeling like i am going to die by doing so. i can order food in a restaurant and be specific as to what i want, and i dare do something about it when i get bad service. i can tell people the truth. i can handle silence. i can recognize when i am feeling disgustingly bad and know that it will pass, always, no matter how long it will take. i can let my heart stay inside it's protective pouch when i don't think the person will treat it gently. and there it is. --- merry (insert solstice celebration name of choice) and eat well. i'm off to have some mind-blowing fresh from the farm eggnog and be merry myself.

GOD says: "yo.. don't ya'll go do something stupid these holidays that involves bombs and guns and stuff... okay?"

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